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#295879 - 07/19/09 07:24 AM Does This Mean Anything?
Clockwise Offline

Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 304
Loc: Pennsylvania
One thing that has helped me through the years is writting. It mainly sarted in high school after the death of my father. I would write anytime I possibly could. At school during class, at lunch in the cafeteria, on the bus and train home, in my room, on the internet outside of the roof - anywhere I possibly could.

I still have most, if not all, of my writtings and every now and again I sit on my bedroom floor and read through some of them. Some with the day and month, some with the year too, some with the time and place, all full of hurt and sadness. I sit there reading through pages and pages of fear and grief. I sit there and think to myself "This boy is so sad, I wish I could help him."

My first T at my college was suprised to hear that I didn't identify with the person in those writtings. When I read them I don't see myself, I see someone in desperate need of a hand, someone who needs a friend or just a kind shoulder at the moment, but not myself. The boy behind those sentences and pagraphes feel so far away from the person I am today, yet we are not that different. I'm still hurt, I'm still confused and lonely. I still yern for someone, anyone, to want me. I still regret the bad things I've done and the bad things that have happen to me.

So what does this mean? I don't think I've gotten any more mature since my highschool days because inside I still feel like the lonely, awkward 15-year-old who wrote those words that I read. My life has changed since then but only in terms of setting and the number of people, not really in terms of stability or sanity. I don't know whether to be proud or embarrassed at this realization. It's just confusing.

Thanks for reading,

Yet another 24 hours.

#295911 - 07/19/09 04:20 PM Re: Does This Mean Anything? [Re: Clockwise]
wes-b Offline

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Big Hug from the Canadian Prairies Terrick;

Your words felt sooo very familiar as I read them... I had not done much writing before I began my journey of healing and recovery, what I did I feel distant from. When I look back at my life I see where I very often felt separate from my life and self. I recall many times feeling like I was observing myself and all around me... I was this far distand observer... Soo much disconnection :-\ I now see that as protecting me from the world of terror and fear I grew up in. As I walk along the road of discover and healing I find that I have less and less times of disconnect and more moments of presence...

I had a 2 hour drive with my youngest son last night, back to the cottage, where I felt present and we had a great talk about his thoughts and ideas. I felt soooo connected to him it was awesome. Through this and my other communities of support and healing I was able to give my son something I did not receive as a child, Thank-you family of my choosing :-)


Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

#296828 - 07/26/09 12:35 AM Re: Does This Mean Anything? [Re: wes-b]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I read your post and I wonder if you are just not connecting with the boy you were only a few years ago. Survivors often compartmentalize like this because at some level they fear renewed hurt. This is a skill they picked up as young boys, of course. Does this sound familiar?

The key to abandoning this protective strategy is to recognize that while it was a tool you needed as a boy, because you had so few tools available to you to help you cope, now the situation is different and this strategy is no longer necessary.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#296903 - 07/26/09 07:34 AM Re: Does This Mean Anything? [Re: roadrunner]
Clockwise Offline

Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 304
Loc: Pennsylvania
I understand what you mean Larry. I've been thinking about this for the past few days: should I throw away all of my old writtings? It's something I've thought about doing many times but when it comes down to the moment it feels like I'm throwing away a person, a real live person, even though I don't fully identify with that person. I don't know. I'm still pondering it. Thanks again.


Yet another 24 hours.

#296904 - 07/26/09 11:24 AM Re: Does This Mean Anything? [Re: Clockwise]
riz Offline

Registered: 10/08/08
Posts: 123

I just want to say that I have been writing since I was in high school, too, and I still have every journal. I have moved a lot, and I have purged myself of many unnecessary couches, knick knacks, pieces of clothing...but those notebooks go everywhere I do. I sometimes read back with awe at that freaked out, scared girl I was and I can't believe I am her. Parts of her are still with me today and parts are long gone. Sometimes I cringe at all the unhappiness in those pages and sometimes I think that getting rid of them would help get rid of bad energy from my past. More often they make me see my progress on the days when I feel like I am still 15 (I am 45). Anyways, good or bad, they are me and I want to accept everything I am and was. The "bad" parts make me stronger, maybe more of a weirdo, maybe more unique, artistic, free-thinking, and real. Whatever I am, I am ME and that has to be ok.


p.s. Sometimes it's fun to look for "found poetry" in all those thousand and thousands of words. When you are writing stream of consciousness thoughts, sometimes beautiful things come streaming out and you don't even realize it till you re-read it later.


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