For the longest time in my life I had never thought that I had been sexually abused as a child. I just knew that I had some serious anxiety issues and thought that there was something wrong with me. I basically did not remember anything about my childhood other than I was usually nervous and alone. It was not until i went to a therapist for my ongoing anxiety problems that issues began to arise. My therapist started using a technique that was somewhat similar to hypnosis but was not actual hypnosis (i forget the name of the technique). This would spontaneously bring back memories of things that happened to me which were very scary and made me want to run away.

I grew up in a small town in northwestern Indiana, near Chicago. My father was a steelworker and my mother, a teacher in a catholic school. Our house was 1 level w/a basement, my room was at the back, separated by my brother's room and then my parents at the front of the house. As far as I am able to remember, my abuse started sometime around when I was 8 years old and continued for the next 3 years.

I would go to bed early, usually before 9pm because of school the next day. My father worked odd shifts at the steel mill but usually would come home and watch tv in the basement before going to bed. It would be on a random night (but frequently and weekly) that I would be awakened by him standing over my bed. After a short time I knew what would happen next. The next part is the hardest for me to say. He would then rape me with full penetration of my butt, doing me different positions on different days. Other times I wouldn't be raped but forced to give him a blow job. I learned that I had to submit to his wishes because on several occasions if I did resist, I remember being choked, held down with my face against the bed so it was hard to breath, or on one occasion, thrown against my bookshelf. I had no clue what the hell my mother was doing during that time but I do know that she knew exactly what her husband was doing because she would be rubbing vasoline on my sore asshole. I don't know what type of hold he had on her but she did nothing to protect me. I felt completely vulnerable.

Because of what was going on in my life, I became very nervous. I was afraid of everything especially other males and did not trust anything or anyone. I had very few friends. I felt as if there was something wrong with me, like I was a freak. My mother would ridicule me for being shy and sensitive (I cried alot). I had difficulty with sleeping, stomach ulcers, panic attack, and irritable bowel all before i was even 10 yrs old. I was never given any therapy as a child but my parents did have my medical problems treated. The doctors had me on a medication to relax my stomach called donnatal as well as a good dose of valium. My parents appeared to be the 'normal' family during the daytime. The would buy me and my brother many of the things we wanted (I guess to soothe their guilt as to what was going on). My mother bounced me from the public school where we lived to the catholic school where she worked, it was public school for 1st grade, catholic school for 2nd grade, public school for 3rd grade, catholic school for 4th and part of 5th grade then public school for the rest of my schooldays.

My father died of lung cancer long before my revelation of my childhood experiences so i was never able to confront him on these issues. My mother was and still is in complete denial, stating that i am the one with the problem and that my father would never do the things to me that i say he did becaused he loved me. Whatever! I am still to this day suffering the scars of those 3 years of abuse, although I am better than I was before. I still am a very anxious person and have trust issues. I still have a fear of men that i am unable to get rid of despite therapy (all my friends i have had were women and we are so comfortable with each others company that to them i'm just like one of the girls) I still have anger that I lost a normal childhood and will NEVER be able to get it back.
That is my story.