First, let me say what a relief it was to find these website. I've always used optimism to cope with the abuse I've endured but over the past few weeks, I've realised how I feel about a lot of things and it's rather overwhelming, definitely hurtful but also releiving. I think I'm ready to talk about things now, let off some steam and hopefully feel better.
People I've spoken to before (my mother, my boyfriend, my counsellor) seem to miss the point of my situation on a variety of levels. Firstly, they fail to see that I am a man. They can't grasp the concept that I am indeed male, and that I'm just trapped in a female's body. Secondly, they seem to think that me wanting to have a sex change is a result from my abuse. It's not. I've been a guy for as long as I can remember. I was abused from age 12.
I won't go into detail of the abuse (I'm not in the right frame of mind to do so anyway), but it was reported to the police by my mother. However, when it got to the part where they wanted to film me while I was describing anything, I chickened out. My mum seemed very depressed and kept blaming herself. It was heartbreaking watching my mum beat herself up over something she didn't know was happening. I'm 16-years-old now and I still can't talk to my mum about it (not because I feel she doesn't care, but rather it'll upset her and she won't fully understand).
I play online games a lot and recently met a guy through a game. He seemed very trustworthy, yet I didn't know him very well... and for some reason that made it very easy for me to tell him everything. He was on webcam at the time and I saw that I'd made him cry. Aside from feeling overly guilty for having placed a burden on him, I felt very releived. I now feel attracted to him, like there's a bond... he knows exactly how to comfort me when I'm feeling down, aswell as make me laugh when I'm feeling happy. We recently started an online relationship and swapped phone numbers.
My mum would go absoloutly mad if she found out...
I'll tell her soon... hopfeully >_<
I'm now 16-years-old and I wouldn't say I've completely survived yet. Flashbacks and bad dreams about what my step-dad did to me keep coming back frequently, and there are still a lot of days where I just snap and shout at everything that comes my way. I have a lot of anger inside me that I keep taking out on my sister, but I think she understands.
My mum is very supportive with my gender identity issues. She's promised we'll look into hormone therapy some time this summer. So, optimism for the win, eh?
Oh wow, just relaised how.. pointless this post was... sorry guys >_<