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#293482 - 06/29/09 07:49 AM Boyfriend molested as a child
fashionista79 Offline

Registered: 06/29/09
Posts: 2
hey everyone, i am going through a lot with my fiance. we have been together for almost 2 years now and when we first started dating sex was amazing. now that 2 yrs have passed our sexuality has gone down hill. We don't have much sex. He was molested by a priest when he was 9 years old. He says when he gets emotionally attached to his partner he refuses to have sex.

Also, he says that having sex with me reminds him of his mom. I dont know what to do. We thought of seeking a therapist. Any suggestions?

#293503 - 06/29/09 11:13 AM Re: Boyfriend molested as a child [Re: fashionista79]
sedanman Offline

Registered: 05/28/09
Posts: 43
Loc: Northeast
You can't drag him to therapy. If he wants to go, then support him. Support is not easily defined. Your fiance will have to provide the definition of support in the context of your relationship. Suppport may be having patience and listening. Support may be goint to therapy with him, or the two of you seeing different therapists.

There are several books which will be helpful to both of you:

For you "Helping the adult survivor of child sexual abuse, for friends , family & lovers" by Kathe Stark

For him "Victims no longer" Mike Lew , "The sexual healing journey" Wendy Maltz
Go to the book section here to find more, I am only going to comment on the books I have read myself, I haven't gotten to the rest of them.

For both of you, a little down the road. "The complete idiots guide to amazing sex" Sari Locker PhD.

#293516 - 06/29/09 12:31 PM Re: Boyfriend molested as a child [Re: sedanman]
Trucker51 Offline

Registered: 05/21/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
You might want to take a look through our Family & Friends forum. We have a number of gals who are trying to deal with this issue together there. Another book not mentioned is Mic Hunter's book ABUSED BOYS, and Dr. Hunter also has several books for couples available too.

You may have to be willing to work gently with your husband and take things at his pace. Sometimes survivors view sex as something that is done TO someone else, and when an emotional attachment develops they become leery of doing something to someone that they are attached to. They are afraid of hurting you or loosing you, but they react in exactly the wrong way. Maybe just try to enjoy some good time together on the couch watching a movie and being close. A hug and a kiss will go a long way. Don't be afraid to initiate if you have to.

Try the family forum here. I think that you will find support for this issue there.


"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark

#293527 - 06/29/09 03:07 PM Re: Boyfriend molested as a child [Re: Trucker51]
cstjude Offline

Registered: 09/05/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada

It can be a confusing experience dealing with sex for anyone let alone when a couple is handling such an emotionally charged issue as physical intimacy. Mark and Sedanman are very right in their advice. I will only add that, if you can, try not to take the lack of sex or the quality of it (right now) personally if you can. One of the best books I've read on this subject is "If the Man You Love was Abused" by Browne and Browne.

Supporting someone through recovery is not easy and it can feel like the ground is always shifting. But recovery is possible! If you are both thinking of seeking a therapist, then that is a good thing. But you might want to consider keeping couples therapy different from your fiance pursuing indivdiual therapy with someone well versed in men's CSA issues. When he chooses to pursue recovery, he will need a safe place all his own to work through the effects of CSA.

Keep coming back to F & F anytime you like; we are here to listen and to offer resource and to share experiences but never to judge.

Be well,


Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

#293538 - 06/29/09 04:41 PM Re: Boyfriend molested as a child [Re: cstjude]
fashionista79 Offline

Registered: 06/29/09
Posts: 2
Thanks everyone for your response! I really appreciate this. We have openly talked about going to couples therapy, but nothing is done. I don't want to drag him there either. He does seek professional help and has his own therapist where he is dealing with those issues.

He is a therapist in training himself! So is completely open to the idea. We have great communication but when it comes to sex I feel I have my needs too and possibly don't understand where he is coming from (as far as his abuse).

I guess I have to be patient. I will check out the books you all recommended.

Thanks for the support!


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