I remember building a clubhouse with my brother out in an old barn behind our house in arkansas. we worked really hard on it. i hav ememories that seem so real that i can even smell tha dirt and chicken feed. we built a two level loft club. the bottom level was dirtand i remember standing there with my brother looking at what we just finished and him pulling me close to him and rubbing himself against me. them we moved to the top level that was hidded on all sides. he laid me down and started to undo his pants and mine. when exposed he started to rub against me. then all i remember is his penis going in my mouth and me sucking him. i think this was when he started to go through puberity because i remember have a salty bitter taste in my mouth and something stinky in my mouth.

I dont remember every incident, only a few over a period of five years. I feel digusted because I went along with it and I feel as if i liked it. it become normal for me. i am sitting here feeling everything physically, but emotionally i am only numb, almost disconnected.