The first part of this is under the Male Survivor Forum titled Part 1 I feel that that post may have been under the wrong forum so I am now under this forum because I feel that it may be the right place for the issues I will be talking about if my feelings and emotions will allow.

Continuing from the earlier post

After the first night that Marcus beat me with that belt in the office I was in total fear of him and did everything he wanted. He was about two years older than me. I was a little over thirteen years old and he was a almost sixteen. He started having me perform oral sex daily on the boys there so he could get money or drugs for it. I could have told on him but I was scared of him and after a short amount of time I grew to like him alot. Don't get me wrong though, I was mostly scared of him but there was a side of him that only I saw. He could be like your best friend or your worst nightmare. He grew insanely jealous of me after a short while. He started hitting me for what he thought was lust I had for other boys in the facility. I tried to stay neutral. I really had no interest in it, I hated sex with a passion I couldn't stand performing oral sex. I couldn't stand the taste of sperm in my mouth and I couldn't bare the thought of swallowing it when they forced me. I started having nightmares of it. I would wake up in cold sweats screaming. The staff wanted to help me because most of them had no idea what went on. They provided me a CASA worker. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs to her to help me but didn't because I was, for one, ashamed and , also, I grew to really like Marcus because he could be so sweet to me. He always made sure that I had cigarettes and when I started drinking, alcohol. He made sure I had money when we went on outtings, and when nobody was around he would treat me so sweet by holding me and singing to me - oldies - he had a great singing voice.

The main thing that bothered him was that he wanted me faithful to him. I was his 'bitch' and if he didn't give me a dude to orally gratify I was to be celebite. I was to because he allowed me to have no contact with anyone but Carlos and I am so happy for that because Carlos became my best friend. He was there for me like a brother but I will talk about him some other time he is a big part of my CSA eperience because without him I would not have made it - neither would Marcus. One boy in the facility was raped a few times by Marcus and became angry with me because he felt that Marcus was good to me I was fourteen at this time. Up to this point Marcus never raped me he really was attached to me and jealous of me. But this boy told me it wasn't fair I told him that at least he was forced to suck dicks all the time. He went and told Marcus that he saw me having sex with another boy. (I didn't know it at the time but found out later) One night Roland woke me up and told me to go to this special room reserved for kids that were out of hand or got into fights. I told him that I didn't do anything wrong. He told me he'd restrain me if I didn't willing go. I went. Marcus was waiting in there with three of his friends. I tried to beg Roland to let me go but he pushed me and I fell to the ground. Roland closed and locked us in there. I crawled to Marcus and kissed his feet begging him not to hurt me. I told him that whatever I did I was sorry and it would never happen again. (I had no idea at that time that I was lied about) He told me to stand up and face him I did. I can honestly say that I was mostly able to sway Marcus and make him calm down and soften to me because he grew real attached to me. He was softening and as I recall he said something to the line that he didn't believe that I wouldn't do it again but one of his friends told him that I was a whore and would keep doing it or something to that effect. Marcus got mad and hit me hard. I fell down. They tackled me and raped me twice each it was terrible more painful then the guy when I was twelve. After it was done and they were buzzing for Roland to come get them I watched Marcus and he was crying telling me that I made him do it. I told him I know and turned around crying. I didn't know who to feel sorry for. I remember thinking that I remember thinking that I did everything he wanted and more to make him happy I tried to think about what I could have done to deserve that. I didn't know at the time that he was lied to about me. I was so sad Roland told me to shower and go to bed. I will write later

Part 1
Part 3

Edited by ModTeam (06/22/09 11:07 AM)