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#289030 - 05/27/09 07:01 AM Things I realize
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2686
Loc: durham, north england
Going on from what I was thinking in This thread

I've realized a few thins about me and operation S, ---- and i really don't know how to deal with them.

first, my own reactions absolutely terrify me.

If I have an E (rhymes with direction), I start to feel incredibly scared, ----- even if it's in a dream, or just alone.

So, as I said in the above thread, I've been using mb as a control method, making sure that the only time Iactually experience any reaction from my body is when I am in perfect control of it myself, then mb'ing as much as poss so as to get everything done then and avoid things happening the rest of the time. Even in dreams, I wake up feeling scared and incredibly bothered about what happened, ---- and quite often if I have a dream associated with an E, it's hugely unpleasant, and I wake up shaking.

I realize that sinse having an E often quite literally caused abuse to happen, ever sinse I've been a teenager I got into this habbit.

If I have an e in any sort of company, ----- whether alone, or with another person, I start to freeze! suddenly I'm going into shut down mode, preparing for an insult or worse.

This is one reason i can't stand physical affection, in fact I do remember one occasion when a girl unexpectedly hugged me. Not only was there a fear sinse she was interested, but there was also an absolute freezing, sinse I was concerned about my own reaction.

I have also realized, that I'm profoundly jealous of girls.

Not only do they have the useful social function of just sitting there, waiting for someone to be interested then rejecting or encouraging, ----- where as men are generally expected to do the chasing, but also female physical reactions are not visibley obvious, so there's no need to worry about hiding them.

If I was the least bit interested in men, i'd actually considder having my genda changed, ----- unfortunately sinse I'm not, it would just cause further problems, ----- pluss I like being a tenor rather than a soprano.

How do I stop being afraid of my own reactions? Always when I've fallen in love it's been a slow process, going on over at least several weeks, ----- and there's always been a sense of distance about it. I now realize even if **** or E, or any of the other girls I'd fallen in love with had shown any interest in me, and made it abundently clear, I'd have stil frozen just because of the physical reaction.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Has anyone got any advice? I really feel stuck with this, sinse all of the reactions seem incredibly ou of my control.

#290791 - 06/08/09 06:34 PM Re: Things I realize [Re: dark empathy]
h.beat,h.break Offline

Registered: 06/05/09
Posts: 124
Loc: New York
Are you seeing a therapist? I don't think use mb for that purpose, but then again, I'm overwhelmed by the fact that I was even abused anyway, so, I'm seeing a therapist this week.

It sounds like, to me, that the fear of your own reactions may stem from a desire to please other people or to be accepted around them. We've all done something to make sure that everyone else around us was happy, while taking a little control away from ourselves.

But I would definitely suggest seeing a therapist if you are not already seeing one. Actually, statistics have shown that more women go to therapy than men. I really hope that this helps you.

Hey, if "black sheep" means you're the only non-douche of the family, take that with some pride.

#290872 - 06/09/09 03:56 AM Re: Things I realize [Re: h.beat,h.break]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986

I know what you are saying. I don't really worry much about it though. If it happens, then I just make "adjustments" so it doesn't show. Of course, if someone is physically close to you and it happens then I understand the anxiety, though really if you try not to focus too much attention on it then it should be less distressing. I can't remember how I heard it said, but it was something like "is that a [can't remember] in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Just a little humor on the matter, though really I am not trying to discount the anxiety about this because I do understand. Also, I think excessive mb can make it worse actually in the long wrong (and I have been there on that, so I base it on my experience). Well, not sure what else to say on the matter so hope it helps.


#291545 - 06/14/09 02:01 PM Re: Things I realize [Re: ericc]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2686
Loc: durham, north england
Yes, I am seeing a T, but I've only just started with her, so we're stil trying to work into things. I have raised this topic, and we'll probably get onto dealing with it next week.

When I say a visible E actually caused my abuse, I mean that literally. Sinse my abuse occurred in school, a visible e would actively often result in incidence like my trousers being removed and my thing being grabbed, or being forced to touch another person.

This is why I got very much into the habbit of keeping the thing under control, trying to make certain that I didn't show any reaction, ---- that my body didn't betray me.

I have a few memories of actively trying to stop myself having an E at school, taking, trying to get my mind so involved in something different my body would react elsewise.

The worst thing is, as such matters started when I was twelve, I literally can't imagine what it's like to have an E and not feel at the least nervous, ---- at the most actively petrified.

With C (who I actually mentioned on this board last year), she gave me a hug, and suddenly I was reacting, ---- panic!

It's not that I think there's anything shameful or wrong with the thing in general, it is just my own reaction and a huge pavlovian response to them.

I'm also not sure about pleasing others either. my abusers were distinctly not people, and all I wished to do in that situation was to survive with as litle bad stuff happening as humanly possible.

Outside of my abuse, ----- I have no idea at all how another person would react to me having an E.


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