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#29023 - 02/27/04 02:17 PM Should I confront my perp?
uselesstheories Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/18/04
Posts: 23
Loc: USA
i'm afraid of being mothered
with my balls shut in the pen
i'm afraid of loving women
and i'm scared of loving men
flashbacks coming in every night
don't tell me everything's alright
- Peter Gabriel

Background: SA happened from about 2 through 6 years of age. Perp was my female parent, and is still alive, living in another state.

I have been wondering if I should confront her - let her know that I now remember what she did to me. Will she admit it? Never. Will she call me a liar in front of the rest of my family were it to get out? Absolutely. Do I still want to confront her? Sometimes. Will her denial cause me further and unnecessary pain?

Maybe it's out of anger that I want her to know that I know. Maybe some naive part of me wants to think that, her knowing I know means that she will share not only the burden, but perhaps I can transpose some of this guilt and shame back where it truly belongs.

I know in my heart that my primary goal has to be to help myself - fuck the perp, I matter now - to allow myself to feel, to experience... and what a concept - to perhaps actually love another human being someday; love is an enigma for me, and always has been.

For those of you who have confronted your perp, did it help? Was it cathartic in some way, merely releasing this buried secret from your past? Could it simply be spite, revenge, and anger that wants me to make her feel a small part of what she put me through?

Life is pain your Highness; anyone who tells you differently is selling something.
- William Goldman

#29024 - 02/27/04 05:36 PM Re: Should I confront my perp?
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1984
Loc: Flint, Michigan

Confrontation is a major decision that shouldn't be taken without much consideration.

Read Ken Singer's article Disclosure and Confrontation: Considerations for Survivors

Take care,

Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

#29025 - 02/27/04 10:42 PM Re: Should I confront my perp?
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here

I would agree that you should consider every aspect of a confrontation carefully. Be prepared for ANY reaction. Be expecting the unexpected. And plan in the best possible way, to keep you with the 'upper hand'.

I confronted my abuser, first by letter, then in person. The letter was somewhat freeing, although it rather scared me, with the amount of emotion I actually had in it. I also sent a copy of the letter to another person, as evidence of what it said, and chose my words carefully, so he can not come back and say I threaten him. (although I wanted). The physical confrontation, it came at a time I was not prepared for it, I had been planning it for a time when I knew I would be having to see him, but it turns out I seen him before then. It did not go well, and it did become physical at one point, but I do feel I left it positively, with him knowing he can not mess with me no more. Also, myself and other athlete made statements on him, so that he can not be alone with anyone under age 18 to train. It is not everything, but it is something.

If you do choose to confront, I hope you consider everything beforehand, and I hope it goes well for you. Good luck.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#29026 - 02/28/04 02:53 PM Re: Should I confront my perp?
Texas_Mike Offline

Registered: 01/17/04
Posts: 135
Loc: San Antonio, Texas-The Lone-St...
Confrontation is strong....

it may set you free.

at the very least-you'll feel better about yourself.

good luck.

"Passion, excitement, and confidence are the important medicines that you need every day"

Run 2 Live-Live 2 Run

"The Desert Runner" Mike

#29027 - 02/28/04 05:17 PM Re: Should I confront my perp?
uselesstheories Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/18/04
Posts: 23
Loc: USA
Bill: Thanks much for the link. I've not only read the article, I've printed it out to review a few times before I make a decision.

Leosha: Thanks for your words, but I'm sorry your confrontation was somewhat difficult. But kudos to you and your friend; helping prevent the abuse of others is a GIFT you have given these kids, although they will never know that true impact of what you have done for them. I applaud you.

Texas_Mike: Thank you. Freeing myself of this silent burden... perhaps that is my key.

I appreciate all your input and support.

Life is pain your Highness; anyone who tells you differently is selling something.
- William Goldman


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