So Superman is standing in front of train... and I wonder if Superman ever doubts his own powers? How do you ever find the end of your capacity but to find the point just past failure.
Failure... is that an option? To die is to stop living. But what if we never truly lived? Dont we have to fully come to life to have a chance to even die? So then I must live and be full of life but know that to truly live and find the fullness of what God made me for, I will face the points of failure in every area of my life. I will push, I will run, I will jump, I will climb, I will avail myself to the find the unseen boundaries of my cocoon and push them out so that I may fully fly.
The attornies circled the wagons, now the bogus lawsuit will be defended and attacked. In so many ways I could destroy the aggressor but yet I pray and am heavy hearted that these people are foolish and desperately seeking greed. When confronted wih the already gathered and tested evidence of my innocence and purity of work, I would love to have been the fly on the wall. I wonder what they thought... but I wont grow angry. You cant do that to me. You cant take me somewhere I dont want to go. I dont want to lose the peace in my life and so I wont respond to you with anger. I will let life settle that conviction its own way. Life gives far greater justice than I could imagine for them.
And work, taking on expanded roles and leading teams. I am challenged beyond myself now. Beyond all organization, motivation, energy level, professional level, personal confidence... it hurts. It is so crushingly humbling and I feel so frail leading each day. I look at those that look to me and I wonder at their faith and confidence that I can. Who am I? That is what I am learning. Who I am.
And relationships, oh my! My mentor that died, his family and mine are close. It is such a priviledge to be there for his kids and yet it is a heartbreak everyday. I see his children growing into men and women and I know how much he would have enjoyed this. What would he tell them about dating, about women, about money, about work, about life, about God, about...
And my own children, the finest. Beyond what I could ever hope and imagine. I live real. I hope it is enough for them. I pray that they will stretch their hand to God as they let go of mine in life. I am so incapable of being what I know I need. They say its fine, they are happy, healthy, doing well... but do they realize that deep inside I have no idea what I am doing as a dad let alone a husband?I have no spare time because it must be spent on my knees begging God for guidance and understanding to do what is right for them. My great experiment... be a man, a friend, a father when coming from broken.
And my wife, God bless her. I love my wife yet the love I have is so incapable and so constrained. I dont know what I dont know and sometimes I see the shadow of what should be there and isnt. And I cringe. The unknown, the unseen... what deficiencies exist in the life I live and share with her. Deficiencies that will shortchange her and them as bad soil to a tree. I dont have enough time. How do you fit it all in and do it all?
And God... I am left at His complete mercy. I can neither minister or live without Him. I can neiter husband or be a father without him. I was made by him but I dont have the manual. He has it. I wish I could turn ahead in the pages and see where all this goes, how does it turn out? Yet I am left with nothing but to kneel here and wait, wait for guidance, understanding, help, love, something. And what I get is all I have to give. From hand to mouth as fast as He can give it I can consume it and hopefully give it out.
And ministry to family, to friends, to strangers... they are everywhere. The broken hearted, the destroyed, the wounded and the needing. Everyday, every evening, every night there is another. I love God, I love helping people. Yet there are so many in such wounded world. And again I am a the point of incapacity that after family and work the wounded come one after another. I could spend a life on each and yet I have only one life.
And so I am at my end in so many areas. I fall into bed at night, I awake running in the morning... and I love it. Yet it challenges me so much and is so hard. I am so incomplete and unable for the tasks ahead of me. I hold to an unseen hand that guides me and I enjoy the small victories as they come but each day, each and every day I live as a giant yet so afraid. So unknowing, so unable, so lost at times but when I turn around there are so many that I keep going. If, If, If God can lead me then maybe they can get what they need. If He can be my completeness then maybe they will hold to Him. If He will just sustain me then He can take over as I fall aside...
To live life as a slow burning meteorite through the atmosphere of life making the brightest impact I can, to shine after such a darkened start. Somewhere in here to find me, to find maybe who I am, or will be...