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#2886 - 04/07/03 06:16 AM Re: desperate...
Ron_dup1 Offline

Registered: 05/13/02
Posts: 87
Loc: Arkansas
WOW your comment really hit home with me!
having to room with 4 guys in a room with only two twin size beds was completely uncomfortable. I feel so uncomfortable around other guys. Especially when they are all making jokes about sleeping in the same bed as another guy and those things. It hit me right in the heart, and I was left speechless, just trying to laugh along with all of those comments, knowing deep inside that I have been raped by another man.
I have never been able to put it into words or even really identify why rooming with guys on trips freaks me out so badly. I never feel fear since they are all my close friends, but it always brings up issues with me. I think your comment helped me to understand myself a little better. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us and thank you for helping me grow.

#2887 - 04/08/03 02:49 AM Re: desperate...
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hello Despair,

Someday, hopefully soon, you will change that nick.

It is good to have another young man here, confronting your abuse early in your life. You did one of the things most people tell us to do when we are in depression...that is, you have to move depression. Playing a game as part of your college team was just what you needed.

Des, I am an elderly man, 66 years old and feeling most days more like 86 yo. What I see you doing is so common for us who have been raped. I am always a little embarassed to use that word to people who do not know me well. But that is what happened again and again.

Hating your cousin, really hating what he did to you, and how he thought only of himself and his pleasure, that is all 100% normal.

But we older survivors have learned that we cannot let him be the victor here. We can't let our perp win. If we feel self-loathing and useless, he wins.

You are a good young man. When we honor you as a survivor it is because we all know what it takes to be a survivor. Many of us let the perp control our feelings and we got drunk, used drugs, sold ourselves on the street, climbed into a hole and really just stopped living.

I hope that you will not do that. Look at yourself in a mirror and tell yourself that you are going to have a really good life and be successful and you are going to enjoy life.

For us men, I think that there may be nothing so emasculating as being raped. We felt so powerless at the time, we had no choice but to let the perp have his way. But you are no longer powerless. You have admitted what happened to you, you have come here and talked to us about it, and even though you felt crummy, you went with your team mates and played a taxing game. Celebrate that.

Des, remember that none of this was your fault. It is not at all your fault that you did not fight him off. You did not willing do any of this. Nothing is your fault and nothing is something for you to be ashamed about--you are the victim, he is the perverted perpetrator. But he may have bad feelings about himself for doing that to you too.

As you cintinue to come here you will see other men hating themselves and thinking that they are less of a man etc. You and all of us know that thinking like that is accepting lies that have been told to us. We know the truth now and we reject those idiotic lies.

You have met some guys here who will be very faithful friends to you. You can count on us. Be sure you can love yourself. You are a courageous young man and you will get well in time.


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#2888 - 04/08/03 03:45 AM Re: desperate...
guy43 Offline

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
From your second post, this really, really resonants with me:
The night I first posted here was a horrible one for me. I go through those nights almost every night, and most days. The weekend went really well though, despite my self loathing tendencies. I did not want to go, but was talked into by one of my teammates. We played a game on Friday night, and all I could do was completely doubt myself, through the whole game. Thoughts like, I suck, I am a failure, I should have never ccome on this trip were plaguing me all day.
All through my twenties and most of my thirties, I experienced a similar sort of all consuming self-loathing, especially in any social situation. Sometimes to the point of having to leave because I would get to a 'I'm going to explode if I don't get out of here' intensity of fear and loathing.

It's hard now for me to say what has helped the most, years of therapy, or finally finding the proper antidepressant. A lot of the newer meds actually help with other symptoms besides the depression. For me, Effexor has helped reduce my social phobia and perhaps the self-loathing to a much more manageable level.

Between your two posts, it sounds like (and this doesn't make it so) you might have depression and or some big anxiety problems that could be helped with meds.

The last thing I want to do is advocate for taking all these drugs of questionable efficacy and unproven long-term consequences. However, it might be something to explore with an MD, preferably a Pdoc. Sometimes the results make it worthwhile, life-saving in my case.

I'd write more but I'm toooo depressed (just kidding).


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