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#28810 - 10/29/03 06:41 AM So confused
v1tach Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/28/03
Posts: 3
Loc: PA
Hey guy's, first off my name is Bill and I have only been a member for a brief period of time so please bare with me.

Brief history, I was abused throughout my childhood begining at age 11 and lasting up through my late teens. Then I got into trouble and ended up in jail for 2yrs(I got released 15years ago). It was when I was in prison that I finally disclosed to a counselor that I was a victim of sexual abuse. She told me that I was acting out my pent up anger when I commited the crimes, note they were not sex crimes. I finally got that monkey off of my back and I felt better. I then got married and things were going well then my wife had a miscarraige and was diagnosed with Uterine Cancer. That really took a toll on our relationship and still is for that matter. I considered myself as straight but now things and feelings are changing. So far during my 12yr marriage I have had 2 sexual encounters with males, both of which were younger than myself (above the age of consent). I did the bookstore thing and the gay park thing but it is tough being married. My wife is aware of the abuse that I endured and still endure for that matter. Our sex life has really started to suffer, it has almost become non-exsistent. I have thought about going to the local catholic church to talk to a priest about what is going on and my feelings but in light of all the sex scandals and stuff I am not sure how receptive they will be for a adult male coming in and talking about all of this type of stuff. My self esteem is at a all time low, I hate the way I look physically and sexually. There are many times that I am impotent in all facets of sex, even by myself. I even went to a Urologist to see if there was a physical problem but he said that everything was fine and there wasn't any problems in that area. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am affraid to go to a hospital Mental Health center because of the possible reprecussions because of the work that I do. I am just so damn confused. Help me if you can.

#28811 - 10/29/03 05:22 PM Re: So confused
Brayton Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis

I'm not really qualified to give you expert advice so I won't try.

Just know that we are here and listening to you. You are not alone.

After the abuse you experienced over the extended period of time that you experienced it, it is natural to feel confused.

Seek professional help if you can. There must be a way that you can do that without alerting your workplace and co-workers. The new HIPAA regulations should prevent mental health professionals from sharing information about your treatment with anyone without your permission.


Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

#28812 - 10/30/03 09:50 AM Re: So confused
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I first say, 'welcome' to here. This is place of good understanding and support, and I am sure that you will find it as such.

That been said, I wish I can be more help of you. I am not married, not in relationship, and really, never have been. I have had one girlfriend in past, but never in intimate relations with her. I have never been in such kind relationship with anyone, so really do not know that I can give you any advice of this at all. I wish you have someone more experienced in this area to respond at you, I am sure they will.

I wish you well, and I hope I can help you some day.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#28813 - 10/30/03 01:39 PM Re: So confused
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA

We had a discussion here on the board of some of those issues earlier this summer. It's hard to talk about this stuff, and it's even harder to get answers without talking!

Take a look here .

Brayton is right about the HIPAA stuff. Your records are supposed to be absolutely confidential short of a court order unless there's some reason to believe you will hurt someone. If your situation is more complicated, you may need to analyze priorities, work vs. health. I'm doing that now.



"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

#28814 - 10/30/03 05:42 PM Re: So confused
theo Offline

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
the men here are a great bunch of brothers and we will all listen and share each others journeys'. the only thing i want to add at this point is to not try to stay away from the comfort of the soul in fear of the sex scandals of isolated individuals in the church. i am a theologian and am fully aware of the scandals as well as the devastation of the abuse from that particular corner of this spectrum. what i can tell you is that seeking comfort and sustenance from the church sould not be contingent on certain events. what i would suggest is calling the local crisis center for info on the participation of local priests in the service center. they should be able to give some information about the receptiveness of certain clergy to this issue, especially regarding male victims. the sex scandals in the church are highly volatile, but i am conviced that the perpetrators within the clergy are of the fringe. most religious are appalled at this travesty. please, do not be afraid to seek the embrace of our Father because of isolated scandals the media have exploited. i am in no way minimizing the subject here, nor am i dismissing the victims of these clerical perpetrators, i am just trying to say that you would be welcomed by the vast majority of clerics in your search for spiritual wholeness. many might not understand the special needs of male victims, but they would want to help nonetheless.

journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

#28815 - 11/02/03 03:27 PM Re: So confused
v1tach Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/28/03
Posts: 3
Loc: PA
I want to thank everyone that has responded to my post. The demons are still there at times, I find it hard to get a good nights sleep at times. I am not really sure why this has reared its ugly head at this time in my life but I guess that I will have to deal with the demons one day at a time. I especially want to thank theo for his advice, not to single him out, but I never thought to contact a crisis center.

#28816 - 11/03/03 12:38 AM Re: So confused
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada

You are one of us now. Brothers in the best sense. You will never be alone again.

Now to the demons.

When I hustled on the street so many years ago I slept with the stuffed animal. He was my demon slayer. And for the most part it worked. I came to trust him to keep me safe and then he protected me all the time. Give it a try.

Welcome aboard. :p :p



#28817 - 11/03/03 04:27 AM Re: So confused
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1984
Loc: Flint, Michigan

First of all, welcome. You have found a great bunch of guys here. I can't express to you how much they have helped me.

Second, my brief history. My SA started about my 11th birthday and was continuous until I was 20. With some incidents after that. I had a total of five perps, both male and female. At the age 15, I buried my anger/rage, after accidentally injuring my mom seriously. I am just beginning to work it out. I have been through two divorces. My first marriage took its downward spiral after a third trimester miscarriage; I carried the fetus, our baby-to-have-been, to the hospital in my own hands. In some of my deepest long running funk, in my mid-twenties, I did the bookstore routine; in which I was the giver and was physically unable to receive.

Finally to your post,
I got into trouble and ended up in jail for 2yrs
The SA can bring some major anger/rage and you may not realize the intensity. The jail counselor may have hit it right on the head on why you ended up in jail.
I then got married and things were going well then my wife had a miscarraige and was diagnosed with Uterine Cancer
A miscarriage can take a great emotional toll on the parents-to-be and thus the marriage. This is very common. In your case it was complicated by the cancer. This had to have been very difficult on your wife emotionally.
My self esteem is at a all time low
I don’t know you personally, but I’d be willing to bet that you are a good person. Why else would your wife had married you and try to create a family with you. I know it is hard to see the good in yourself in such a funk, I’ve been there and done that.
I am affraid to go to a hospital Mental Health center because of the possible reprecussions...
There are many things set up to keep your treatment confidential. The HIPAA explains the reasons that the information can be released. These include to protect you or someone else from imminent danger, by order of the court, inter-facility use (to make sure the T is giving you the proper care, used in a general context for training, and the such), to bill your insurance company (and this is a general overview and does not contain the details of your discussions, I personally review all notes back to my insurance company and okay its release), and the like. You get to read the privacy statement and the use of information prior to agreeing to treatment and can call almost any office and they will discuss the policy with you before you even make an appointment. You should be able to address your privacy concerns with the facility you choose before committing to T. I recommend that you at least check out going to T. The decision to go has to be entirely yours.

Be good to yourself and take care of yourself. As Mickey said about the stuffed animal, I sleep with a bunny. It's not the same as a warm body of an understanding and compassionate wife or significant other, but it doesn't kick back or interupt you.

Take care, and feel free to PM if you want.


Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong


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