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#287830 - 05/17/09 07:42 PM How do other wives of survivor's deal?
wifeofsurvivor Offline

Registered: 05/16/09
Posts: 9
Let me preface by saying, my husband knows he was abused by his father. But he has no actual memories. He is OCD. But my question is in regards to our sexlife.

I get zero foreplay. And when I complain, he get's angry. It's always on his terms and it's always roleplay of some other person. And if I dont say anything, the next time is more vocally inappropriate.

I love him and will stand by him, but to me, this is like rejection and I honestly blame my weight gain on the sexual side of our relationship. I know it sounds like an excuse and cop-out, but I can only pretend to be someone else so many times before I take it personal.

Will he ever be able to make love to me and not his own fantasies? Before him, I loved sex. But now, it turns my stomach because I know I am going to have to listen to his fantasies for him to be happy.


#287879 - 05/18/09 03:50 AM Re: How do other wives of survivor's deal? [Re: wifeofsurvivor]
ChristineTrying Offline

Registered: 06/24/08
Posts: 36

My husband does a lot of the same thing. I never knew about his issues until 2 years into our marriage. Now I'm stuck. WE haven't had sex in over six months and even before that we never had what I would call sex. I don't consider mutual masturbation a healthy sexual and intimate relationship. He too has mentioned things from his past during sex and like you, it turns my stomach as well as completely shuts me down for sex at the time. I too have gained weight, over 35 pounds in the last 1.5 years.

I don't know what the solution is. My solution, at least as far as sex goes, is to do it myself whenever I want it and forget about him. He doesn't even want sex anymore. You can try couples counseling or single counseling for yourself. I don't know if he's gotten help yet but you need it for yourself. Whatever people say about relationships, sex is important and those of us who don't get any or get some weird, twisted kind of non-intimate, non-personal sex are getting the very short end of the stick.

Just my 2 cents.


#287892 - 05/18/09 08:55 AM Re: How do other wives of survivor's deal? [Re: ChristineTrying]
didi Offline

Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA

My son and nephew were CSA'd by a neighbor. I really cant tell you what a Male survivor is feeling when they are trying to be intimate with the person they Love with all of this in his head, However, I can tell you how I feel as a Mother..

Since this has happened I have had a very hard time not visualizing what happened to the boys while trying to be intimate with my boyfriend. I did not have sex for almost a year after this happened. Every time we went to therapy and my son revealed (or remembered) something else that had happened, I had that in my head. I like to be sensual and sexual, I just cant. How could you stop what is in your head? Sure, you could try and "go through the motions" but that is not fair to anyone. I am just honest about it, It simply makes me physicaly and mentaly ill sometimes just thinking about having sex. Before this we had a very healthy sex life.

The therapist let me know that this is normal and it will take time. I am not pushing it. If I have a good day (which is a day with my son having NO triggers and a good therapy week) and if I have a clear head and can concentrate on my boyfriend and I and nothing else, then I will be intimate....

Take care,

*I posted this in another section as well

Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

#288793 - 05/25/09 04:51 PM Re: How do other wives of survivor's deal? [Re: didi]
wifeofsurvivor Offline

Registered: 05/16/09
Posts: 9
I would really welcome some feedback from other wives like Christine. Every time my husband makes love to me, we have to talk about his fantasies. He talks about things that are terrible but would never act out on them. What on earth do I do to deal with this? I feel like I have no value as a wife - if he wants someone else every time we make love. Why am I even here. Could I please have more feedback. Is Christine and I the only one that are dealing with this?

#288811 - 05/25/09 07:37 PM Re: How do other wives of survivor's deal? [Re: wifeofsurvivor]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Hi wifeofsurvivor, Sex...that is the million dollar question. When I first met my husband, it was so vanilla. I too, was not getting any type of foreplay, I wasn't even finishing. He would be all, " wow, that was amazing" and i'd be thinking "HUH!" were we even talking about the same thing???? I told him flat out it was not working. He was pissed, said no one ever complained before, explained that everyone is different, and you must learn how to please each individual. For a while things were great. He seemed to make an effort, and I liked to push the envelope.

When he told me about his past, it reverted to the beginning again. It was so bad, I dreaded it...I felt like I wasn't even needed, it certainly had nothing to do with making love, to be frank, I felt like a hole he used to get his fill. It has been many years now, and at times when he is going through a down period, he reverts back to it sucking. Now I refuse to sleep with him during that time.

You do not have to sleep with him. It is not fair to you, when the men get like this, it has nothing to do with love. He is using you, do not let him. I am with Christine, when my H zones out on me in the bedroom, I take matters into my OWN hands...LITERALLY. My H always comes back, and it gets better. Even when things are going well, at times it will seem like he is leaving in the middle of the act, I just tell him to look at me and say my name. It works.

When two people make love, both parties should be respected, and everyone's needs should be met. By allowing him to just have it his way everytime, your needs are being ignored, and you are getting resentful. Maybe you both could compromise. He can make some times all about you, and you can tell him exactly what you want, and in return you will participate in his fantasies. Talk to him, don't let his anger, scare you off, if he is not willing to meet you half way...cut him off. You must think about yourself first.

People shy away from the subject of are not alone...believe me, come on her out. Guys too, how can she get her needs met without making him feel worse about himself??????

Edited by NY Daisy (05/25/09 07:39 PM)

#288822 - 05/25/09 09:41 PM Re: How do other wives of survivor's deal? [Re: wifeofsurvivor]
QuiteNice Offline

Registered: 05/25/09
Posts: 1
Loc: Norway
Hi! I have been reading the posts here and I don`t know if my view can help in any matter for you girls and sorry for my writing. I`m from Norway you see :O)

I`m a male survivor who was sexually abused in young age and I`m now in my middle life and I do recognize some of the issues you are talking about here, cause all thru my life I always have had a lot of fantasies, all about girls and mostly all the fantasies are about "the perfect match" and the girl who "understand the broken" me. And mostly the fantasies also contains great sex where both are really enjoying it.

In real life things have mostly been the oposite, I have had a lot of issues about early ejaculation and sometimes I still can have them, and they comes more often if I`m "down" or really mentally tired. When saying that then this is a subject I have really spent a lot of time to try to understand cause I really love the act of love and enjoys it to much to stop dealing with it. What I found out about digging into my self was that I was really shamed about the early ejaculation and a all to long foreplay would even "set more pressure" to it and it was nothing that I found easy to talk about either. So yes, I can see how you girls have it and I can`t speak for your husbands either, but maybe that can bee a issue to them too.

I don`t know where or why the fantasies came to me in the first place but as a Male Survivor then having "hiding places" in mind can be as helpful and they can be destructive. You really need to know that it`s a hiding place, not the real life.

Anyway, today I mostly have a very good sexlife where foreplay almost must do thing to me as well and I love to know that I also can give my beloved one orgasms and to know that she enjoy having sex with me. As I said then I have "flash backs" of the early ejactulation issue still, but the difference came when I met a girl who I could talk about both that I was a Male surviver and my issues around it. She where cool about it and we talked about what she liked and what I liked and my need for fantasies got weaker, and when I was not so uptight about the fear of not being able to give her orgasms then I also got better in doing that too.

Things about sex are mostly connected to the "mental" ways of dealing with your specific problem. To talk about it with all to much pressure on the issue is a good thing. Being relaxed about it will give room to try to deal about in good way.
I really do see your frustration about the problem and I have great understanding about how you feel about it. To love each other is about giving and when you give more then you gain then you dry out so I really do hope that you all will find a way thru it before your lovelife with your husbands dry out.

#288863 - 05/26/09 05:14 AM Re: How do other wives of survivor's deal? [Re: QuiteNice]
An Offline

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
edited cause i put this response totally in the wrong topic strands. Apologies, An

but must say Quitenice's post was wonderful....thankyou,
Hope and Healing,An

Edited by An (05/26/09 09:45 AM)

#288873 - 05/26/09 07:27 AM Re: How do other wives of survivor's deal? [Re: wifeofsurvivor]
Zooey Offline

Registered: 11/23/08
Posts: 8
Loc: FL
for me and my bf the sex was really great when we first met and saw each other casually. as soon as he became emotionally attached to me, the sex disappeared. for him, emotional attachment/love is totally separate from sex. that's a topic that's been rehashed over and over again on this site.

"what am i doing here?" that's a question i ask myself everyday. i understand the concept of the madonna/whore complex but i'm at my wit's end.

#288960 - 05/26/09 10:05 PM Re: How do other wives of survivor's deal? [Re: Zooey]
wifeofsurvivor Offline

Registered: 05/16/09
Posts: 9
Zooey, I agree that since he is emotionally attached he cannot "make love" to me...... My husband is the most loving person I have known as long as he is standing up. And I know he battles to not have sex with me as long as he can - becuase he doesn't want to "make me dirty" or "hurt my feelings". Then when he finally's dirty talk about things that leave me feeling like a bad person afterwords. I guess I just need to better learn how to understand and deal with this myself.

#289434 - 05/30/09 02:17 AM Re: How do other wives of survivor's deal? [Re: wifeofsurvivor]
LowSky Offline

Registered: 05/30/09
Posts: 35
Loc: Glen Burnie,MD
I used to be a in bed but now for some reason I can't seem to climax. So my wife and I enjoy as much foreplay as she can take and then we get together. I have found that pleasing her is my pleasure. So what if I don't... and after all those years of quickies she deserves enjoyment. Your H is dealing with a lot and if self serve is how you deal, more power to you. Sex is great but it is just a part of being married. I attribute my quickness with my abuse as I wanted it over as soon as possible.

Edited by LowSky (05/30/09 02:19 AM)
Hate destroys not the hated but, the hater.


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