I have livwd my life very naked and exposed. In part I think it stems from CSA. Overcompensation of insecurities, fear, worry, anxiety, doubt, and vulnerability. I have often been overinvolved, over committed, or over indulged in one area lacking balance to other areas. Often time with a proensity for laziness, avoidance, general conceit or self centeredness. That has been changing yet as much as you pluck a duck it still quacks and walks the same. But in the end there is an appreciation for who I am, who I am becoming, and who I will be.
I think several things give me courage and hope. One is the ever enduring qualities of Love. No matter where I look it is woven in the tapestry of mankind to seek and give love. True often conditionally, often corrupted, harbored, or wounded but it is an indelible desre in the heart of man.
When I look at love it is a painful and truthful mirror. It will not lie nor will it over promise gain in my life. Often I looked in the mirror and didn't see the wounded, hurt and lost child that I was. Often I did see a reflection that was more in my mind than it was in reality. Isn't that the Truth though, we are superheroes in ours and our childrens mind. Someday one of those comes to reality, not always both.
And that is painful, to one day look in the mirror and not see Superman or for my preference Batman or better yet Ironman. I am faced perpetually with a figurative image of an often beaten and bloodied boy in a mans body staring back at me. In his arms he holds boxes of the sins, shames, imbalances, inadequacies, and errancies of our life.
Sometimes I see in the mirror a man exhausted from running. Espite all I have faced and dealt with I find that man in the mirror trying to evade a confrontation with the reality of himself and God. Its as if a train were coming and he has to get out of the way and hide from an inevitable collossion.
Fear of death, fear of lonliness, fear of the unknown darkness surrounding the emotions... often it is from this fear I am caught running. I wondered after getting so tired what would happen if I no longer ran... what if that train hit me? What happens when we daily face all the dark things? They aren't kryptoniite or life ending. Painful yes but in the end surviveable.
So I don't and won't run. I can't and haven't run ran this time around. Despite the nervousness of it all I have simply sttod on the tracks whike a whistle blew. But this time there is also a semse of deeper peace that after this train its over for quite awhile. Hmmm.... I like the idea of a rest.... of peaceful vacations.