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#287729 - 05/16/09 07:05 PM How does a wife deal with the issues?
wifeofsurvivor Offline

Registered: 05/16/09
Posts: 9
Let me preface by saying, my husband knows he was abused by his father. But he has no actual memories. He is OCD. But my question is in regards to our sexlife.

I get zero foreplay. And when I complain, he get's angry. It's always on his terms and it's always roleplay of some other person. And if I dont say anything, the next time is more vocally inappropriate.

I love him and will stand by him, but to me, this is like rejection and I honestly blame my weight gain on the sexual side of our relationship. I know it sounds like an excuse and cop-out, but I can only pretend to be someone else so many times before I take it personal.

Will he ever be able to make love to me and not his own fantasies? Before him, I loved sex. But now, it turns my stomach because I know I am going to have to listen to his fantasies for him to be happy.


#287782 - 05/17/09 07:18 AM Re: How does a wife deal with the issues? [Re: wifeofsurvivor]
Barney Offline

Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Have you tried taking him to counseling and have a counselor help him undersnand your need to be you and not someone else? You not in a healthy place and he shouldnt be treating you the way he is.

he is poisoning the relationship and needs help or he will lose you. good luck


#287789 - 05/17/09 11:55 AM Re: How does a wife deal with the issues? [Re: Barney]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
Dear Wifeofsurvivor;
I think now you have yourself on the right track, your husband may not progress at the same pace and the issue is maybe? now top priority to iron out and get life going again, it's a journey that requires all the endurance and mettle you have, sometimes more. My cheers, tears and prayers go with you.

The Friends and Family Forum, and all of the forums are probably the largest realtime resource available on the subject of male sexual abuse. For Free. 24/7/365.

I'm sincerely sad you have this in your families lives, I see so many stories of the wives who hurt and are baffled just like the survivor as to what is going on and how did it get so big. We ask; how big is it? The conditions grew slowly and may take some time to understand in a healthy, adjusted manner.

People affected by the victims sexual trauma are known as Secondary Victims. You can help, support and guide your husband but I'm sure you know his solution is for him to find. Try to research info on 'Secondary Sexual Abuse Victims'. google those words.

Malesurvivor is a down to earth and a lot of the members use first names. Lifelong friendships and support. You'll find lots of info and support here, the men and women will see your username.

So.. hang on, utilize support, research info and peace, understanding and comfort will take place. Try to see your husband as a person who is not well yet, most ill people are not easy to live with and you need some immunity against becomming infected with his stuff.

I hope this helps, and seriously my former wife thought for 29 years it was her weight gain that affected our sex. I experienced flashbacks during arousal, it was so frustrating for both of us. When I told her about what happened 3 decades ago in July 2007 she said she wished I had told her, we probablly could have worked thru it together.

Just remember:

The rewards of triumph are located beyond the pitfalls of dispair

Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

#287802 - 05/17/09 03:27 PM Re: How does a wife deal with the issues? [Re: men_of_hrts.dbw]
joelRT Offline

Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada

Welcome to MS, I am very pleased for you that you've found us. There is so much information to be gleened here on the issues faced by our partners.

I would suggest to you to re-post in Familly and Friends Forum where you can get feedback from the gals on the site as well as women are asked to not post in this particular Forum.

Please do stay around and read the posts, both past & present, and feel free to ask anything that you need to, we'll all do our best to help you settle in and find your way here.

My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

#287829 - 05/17/09 07:39 PM Re: How does a wife deal with the issues? [Re: joelRT]
wifeofsurvivor Offline

Registered: 05/16/09
Posts: 9
Thank you to each of you for your warming and comforting responses. I had contemplated posting in the family section, but did not, as I thought it might be a little inappropriate since it was discussing my sexlife. I will repost there. I truely appreciate your responses and have learned a great deal already.


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