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#287525 - 05/14/09 11:12 PM Some help with a personal issue-anyone have someth
BBDV74 Offline

Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 13
OK....this is a hard one for me to talk about.I have difficulty talking about it with my wife but we do but wanted to see if anyone has a similar difficulty in their sex life.
First off I am deeply in love with my wife and we have a good sex life.I am and remain incredibly attracted to her and she to me.
How do i put this without embarassing myself to a degree to where I want to crawl under the desk.One of the things I have always liked with my wife is anal play.I mean when she touches me and uses toys on me in that area,I always find it very enjoyable.For a number of years now she and I have talked every now and again about using a strap-on for fun and I recently bought one for us and am waiting for it to arrive.Half of me knows I would probably enjoy my wife doing this,and she is into the idea,and the other half of me is utterly disgusted with itself.
Now the thing is even when she touches me in that area and I enjoy it I feel hugely guilty and incredibly ashamed and feel like there must be something wrong with me.My wife reassures me that it is because that area on my body is connected to the rape and was sexualised against my will at an age I was unprepared for and in a very violent and negative way so that is where my feelings come from.I have come to a realisation that it may be because subconsciously I feel that if I enjoy this with my wife then on some level I must have enjoyed this during the rape.This is clearly ridiculous and my reasoning,rational conscious self knows this but I wonder if the subconscious part of me is unable to cope with it.
My wife continues to say that there is a world of difference between our very healthy and loving sexual relationship and the brutal way I was sexualised as a child and I know that is true but I still have terrible trouble shaking these feelings of guilt,shame and embarassment at this part of my sexual life even though I enjoy it and my wife is the only person I have ever explored that sexual area with as she is the only person I trust enough to do so with.
Do any of you guys have similar difficulties or experiences?I hate feeling like this.

#287531 - 05/14/09 11:33 PM Re: Some help with a personal issue-anyone have someth [Re: BBDV74]
canadian-usmc Offline

Registered: 04/29/09
Posts: 1
Loc: south cali
yeah man, i feel the same way, and well i dont really think to much into it, i just kind of go with the flow and try and enjoy life and sex, especially if your wife is cool with it, that should be an all green lights to go thing

#287549 - 05/15/09 02:22 AM Re: Some help with a personal issue-anyone have someth [Re: BBDV74]
christianfather Offline

Registered: 05/04/08
Posts: 116
Loc: TN
It's not unusual for men to enjoy anal play. It is one of the erroneous zones for men. I know a lot of men who are married who enjoy it. If you and your wife enjoy this type of play then so be it. Don't feel guilty enjoy what ever makes you and your partner happy in the bedroom.

#287555 - 05/15/09 03:39 AM Re: Some help with a personal issue-anyone have someth [Re: BBDV74]
joelRT Offline

Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Come out from under that desk, mister smile I would definately take my wife's lead on this one.

It is not at all uncommon for heterosexual men to be erotisized in the way that you describe. Sadly it is not something that is openly talked about simply due to the homoerotic stigma that is attached to it. However, if you were to consult with a qualified sex therapist and put the question to her/him, you would find that what I and the other guys are telling is spot on.

There are 400 nerves endings in the head of the penis that all fire during sex play. There are almost as many nerve endings in the anal ring; add to that that when the prostate is properly stimulated it can become as sentive as the break on the penis and can be provoked to very intense internal orgasms (ok, I have too much time on my hands and I read A LOT). Your body is simply responding in the way that it is designed to.

Deal with your rape issues in therapy. Your rapist has already taken so much from you over the years, don't let him have your very special intimate connection with your wife too.

Edited by joelRT (05/15/09 07:39 AM)
Edit Reason: typos
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

#287571 - 05/15/09 06:53 AM Re: Some help with a personal issue-anyone have someth [Re: joelRT]
michael banks Offline

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca

I also find the anal area of my body to highly pleasurable and there is nothing wrong with it. A strap on seems a little extreme to me but if you and the wife find it a pleasurable part of your sex life then go for it. Sounds to me you have one hell of a wife. So enjoy any and everything you two find mutually satisfying. Life is too short to allow guilt to get in way of your sex life.


To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

#287578 - 05/15/09 11:59 AM Re: Some help with a personal issue-anyone have someth [Re: michael banks]
BBDV74 Offline

Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 13
I appreciate all the replies.
I don't know why I can't get past this.My wife also says this is a perfectlt natural thing and it was a joint decision to try this new thing.We talked about a few times and she suggested it might be something we could try and I am open enough to try new things with my wife as it keeps our sex life healthy.
I resent that these thoughts are in my mind at all.
I am glad to know that I am not alone with these problems!
And,yes,my wife is a very special woman.

#287716 - 05/16/09 05:24 PM Re: Some help with a personal issue-anyone have someth [Re: BBDV74]
AndyS87 Offline

Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 310
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
What Joel said is true. The prostate is actually often referred to as the male G spot and the anal area does have a lot of nerve endings, so it makes sense that it feels good. I've tried it myself and I just feel really really weird with it, not to mention most of the times I tried it didn't really feel all that good, and more often then not it just felt uncomfortable. Sometimes it did feel good, but most of the time not. And again, you're lucky to have a wife that's so understanding.

Me personally, I don't enjoy it all that much. I don't think a prostate orgasm is all that much better than normal one, so I like to keep my rear exit only. A few girls like to try and get adventurous but generally I'm not down for that. A little stimulation on the outside I'm ok with though.

I do get the whole split between it feeling good and you feeling shame over it though. After all, we're bombarded that if you ever got any pleasure from any kind of anal stimulation you must be gay. That can also put a pretty big stigma on it for CSA survivors, especially if someone either tried to or did sodomize you. I know one of my problems is that if I do let a girl or myself kinda test it out down there the thing I immediately flash back to is my cousin trying to do his thing to me, and that sets off a lot of negativity and self doubt for me, and I have no desire to mix that negative thought with what would otherwise be a physically pleasurable reaction. That would create an awful lot of confusion for me. So I look at that and I look at the fact that it really isn't THAT much better to me, and I just decided I didn't really need to go there. But, for you, if you enjoy it, you're lucky to have a wife who can help you with it and who can be there for when you feel negative about it.

#287761 - 05/17/09 02:58 AM Re: Some help with a personal issue-anyone have someth [Re: AndyS87]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington
I know, exactly what you mean about having feelings of guilt,shame and embarassment. Personally, I feel (in the end) my abuser owns ALL of these feelings and it took a long time to both process and figure this one out. (and still sometimes, when I'm not carefull...the old tapes still start playing...).

Still, I believe that reclaiming a healthy sexuality to be an important part of one's own personal recovery process. (and what works for you, might not work for me...but will work for the next person...and so on and so it's really a... your mileage will vary...sort of thing).

...and if two loving and consenting adults are into strapon play aka pegging...or(name your flavor)'s like more power to ya....!!!

Know that your not alone.

Time for me to fly.

You're All I NEED (White Lion)


Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#287768 - 05/17/09 03:48 AM Re: Some help with a personal issue-anyone have someth [Re: 1islandboy]
expom Offline

Registered: 01/07/09
Posts: 126
Loc: Australia
One of the things that this reminds me of is that we often want to recreate similar situations where we were violated as children, when we are adults.

The "acting out" problems that many of us have are often based here. The idea I am told is that if we recreate the situation as an adult then we have two options 1) is to take control over the situation that was abusive as a child and get it to stop and / or 2) we are able to experience similar feelings but with the adult giving the current consent to the current situation. This then can have the effect of robbing the childhood assault of a lot of its power. The childhood situation was abusive because it happenAed at an inappropriate age when consent was not possible. Applying some consent to a similar situation as an adult places the original abuse rightly where it belongs - in your childhood - and allows you to reclaim any and all of your current sexuality.

Go for it - in my opinion - only when you are both feeling safe and when you have a previously agreed emergency exit strategy.


I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.

#287783 - 05/17/09 07:23 AM Re: Some help with a personal issue-anyone have so [Re: BBDV74]
brokensoul Offline

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
Wow it has been awhile since I have made a post here but I have been peeking in here now and again to see how my brothers where doing. But I'm down a bit and peeked in and see your post and your confusion and wish to share my thoughts with you.

Without a doubt our experiences have impacted so many areas of our lives it is near impossible for us to sort out the people we would have become had we not had to deal with the things that we have endured.

I too fought with if the fact that I liked anal play and if I was acting out or would I still have liked it even if some of the events of my life had not happened. The answer I keep arriving at is I don't know but I don't know if that really matters because I am the person that I am and I can live with that. If you feel the same way or can work towards that goal I think your guilt and embarrassment could be greatly eased.

I hope you can grasp at what I'm about to say I'm not good with words on stuff like this but I'll give it a try. I have both acted out and have taken part in anal play with the women in my life including my current wife and love of my life. I don't know if anyone can add to this or even understand me when I say that I think there is a big difference between the two even if they might be related. When I was acting out I did so without a safety net. There was no saying stop and no way to put the brakes on if I became uncomfortable. But anal play with a woman I was in a relationship with is different. I know If I wanted to stop I could do so at any point so I felt safe. Except with my ex wife but that is a long story I won't get into other than to say be careful with those you trust.

What ADen said about an " emergency exit strategy" is a very important and key part of this jigsaw puzzle of the life we now live if we take part in this type of play.

I don't know if this helped any but I hope so.

Take care.

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