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#283027 - 04/10/09 04:02 AM seeking advice
wfs3189 Offline

Registered: 04/10/09
Posts: 6
I am not a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, but I recently became involved with someone who I have good reason to believe might be and I'm not sure what to do. I think I'm a pretty well adjusted gay man due in part from help from counseling in my early 20's, wellbutrin, and a network of good friends. Sure I have my flaws, but I know I'm a loving person with a big heart. Please excuse me if I end up being long winded here.

I met "G" through an online personal ad about a month ago. We'd been exchanging emails and last week I gave him my phone number. I like "G", he's witty, intelligent, fun, warm, friendly, and extremely cute.

Well long story short, we were talking on the phone Saturday night for about two hours after we had both gotten home from birthday parties (so we'd both had some alcohol prior to the call). In the course of the conversation he mentioned that he hadn't been with a man. Based on my own experiences I figured that if I were to be his first I was capable of the possible emotional results, and because I knew already that he was someone that I admired. A bit later, he asked if he could come over and spend the night (not necessarily have sex). We had talked about getting together the next day as a sort of date, but I consented. If I had thought for a moment that he wasn't sure what he wanted, I would have turned him down.

He came over, it was after 1am. We were talking and his 'maid' called with a dog problem (I figured maybe it was his exit strategy if he felt he needed one). He said he would have to leave soon, but asked if we could cuddle for a bit, so we did. He talked about a recent event where he and a guy he met through work got together socially, and something he did was interpreted as a sexual advance resulting in the other guy bolting and G feeling totally rejected. I could tell while he told that story that he was extremely lonely. I figured he was as starved for love as I was 15 years ago when I had my first experience. I didn't force myself on him, but at the same time I know how to make a guy want to be sexual with me, and we ended up being sexual. He wouldn't kiss me though.

Afterwords, he seemed to be having several emotions going all at the same time. It was kind of like an "oh God what have I done?". He expressed regret for having supressed his desires for so many years. I was trying to empathize with everything he was going through at that moment and paying attention to what he was saying. And I didn't think much of it at the time, but he then mentioned that he had jacked off with another guy as a teenager. He left. I wasn't sure what to think, but decided to pursue the plans we had tentatively made to get together. I sent him a text message at 12:21pm, then again at 3:52pm. He texted me back and said "sorry hangover. In bed still. Cant go anywhere till headache goes away". I thought to myself that he must have gone home and drank more, which troubled me as I took it to mean he wasn't handling it well. I called about three hours later, but no answer. In fact, it's now Thursday and in spite of calling Tuesday and again this evening he hasn't called me back. He has responded to a couple emails though. Monday afternoon he said in a message that he was out of minutes and text on his phone. Yet he has a 'maid'? So we've been communicating by email last couple days. I'm okay with that for now. But usually guys don't automatically distance themselves from me like this. I'm confused by his behavior, but I keep coming back to what he said about jacking off with another guy when younger. I had recently re-read Joe Kort's book 10 Things Smart Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love which talks about childhood sexual abuse and that's part of why I think there is more to the story than what he said.

So while I'm still attracted to "G", I know when I see a soul in torment, and his is most certainly so. Now I think he was being honest about not being married and having a live-in maid, even though part of me has to be skeptical about it just as a matter of principle. But my personality is very people focused and I'm always trying to figure out why people behave in certain ways (for those of you who are familiar with Meyers-Briggs, I'm an ENFJ). So I'm asking you gents what should I do? I do care about the "G" and want to do the right thing? I know that pursuing sex with him is probably not a good idea, correct?

#283030 - 04/10/09 04:12 AM Re: seeking advice [Re: wfs3189]
joelRT Offline

Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Been there with 'first timers' more often than I care to remember. Most, not all, but most get the fix that they need and then move on to the next guy so that they can be a 'first timer' all over again.

If he really wanted to be with you, he'd be at your door by now with a box of Pizza in one hand and a six pack in the other.

When you give this a little more thought over the next coming days, I'm sure that you'll see all of the red flags that I certainly do.

It's shitty that this has happened to you, and I'm sorry man.

Edited by joelRT (04/10/09 10:43 AM)
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

#287010 - 05/10/09 09:11 PM Re: seeking advice [Re: joelRT]
DJsport Offline

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
There could be a lot of reasons for him not "kissing" you or calling you back.

I wish I would have had someone like you in my life as my lover (my ex was terrible) 4 years ago when the memories started surfacing.

It is dangerous to "think" for another and to want them to have such aweful events happened to them like sexual abuse. I do not know you but will assume your just seeking advise "in case" HE was abused. Maybe you want some "clear" sign that we was abused.

Anyway, I support you in your efforts to be there for him.

Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option


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