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#286713 - 05/08/09 08:13 AM Advice
AH Offline

Registered: 02/23/09
Posts: 6

my friend has been a victim of abuse, and has only spoken to me about it. This has been going on infrequently for 2 years, and despite me trying to encourage him to get help, he is convinced he is ok. to an outsider he does look ok, however there are a number of issues always bubbling under the surface. My friend is a master of dis association, and when he talks about anything in life the storey changes. its almost like the most positive outcome is teh right one, however this borders on being so positive that its not right.

he said to me yesterday that he cannot remeber anything happening, other than an incident then he was 6 and a girl was 8, however during the same conversation everything changes, and there is major inconsitancies in everything. he also admits that this one incident does not explain how he knew so much from sucha young age, but then said that he was not sexually aware until he was a teenager. this is not true as he has abused a cousin two years his junior from the ages of 8 -12. He admits that he just cant remember anything with what has happened to him, so that it probably didnt happen, but does not seem convinced about that.

I suspect a family member as there relationships does not seem to be right with each other.

anyway, what i am wanting to help with is for him to indetify what has happened, and to speak with anyone who has gone through this dis association, and how to help with that. what are some good boooks that can help him to identify what has happened?

#286715 - 05/08/09 08:15 AM Re: Advice [Re: AH]
AH Offline

Registered: 02/23/09
Posts: 6
as at the moment he is still not convinced anything has happened, or that i it has he cannot remember it.

#286720 - 05/08/09 10:01 AM Re: Advice [Re: AH]
kolisha54 Offline

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
So sorry to hear about this! Every new story brings sobering sadness....

That being said, those of us who are partners have to be very very careful to examine our own motivation in asking that our survivors seek help. In my own case, we are not what anyone (except the survivor himself) could call a "family" & with all the distancing behavior, we aren't what I would call that "close" any more, although each time we connect, he makes tiny little steps of progress.

So - my need to have him seek healing really boils down to my deep desire to have a closer relationship - because it would be wonderful for ME to have my dream fulfilled.

My Dear One is not harming himself or anyone else by being in denial. But it is my sincere feeling that he is not living a complete, whole life by remaining in his self-imposed cloud. Nevertheless, I have come to realize that this is his choice and given the terrible LACK of choice he had when being raped by an intimate, how can I seek to impose my own agenda on his healing process???? And yes, of course, I think WHOLEHEARTEDLY that my agenda is 100% right & good & healthy & loving!!! But it's MY agenda & not HIS!

This is incredibly painful because it means that my own needs are consistently rejected and undermined.

The only way for me to handle this is to learn how to LET GO! I have to learn to love him as if he is a beautiful wildflower growing on the edge of a highway. If I stop to pick the flower, it will die in my vase.

If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

#286736 - 05/08/09 02:16 PM Re: Advice [Re: kolisha54]
AH Offline

Registered: 02/23/09
Posts: 6
thats really true, never thought of it like that. I do think that for me, my motivation is not to have a closer friend, it is based on him being happy, and not getting ill. I know he could be happier, and more importnatly he has has severe stress related illness before, which happened when there was so much stress in is life, which resulted in a heart attack and near death. Ultimately letting someone live in denial is one thing, but i know as pressure builds again in his life, it may end in another stress related illness, which as someone that cares for someone i will do anything to prevent it. But your right, i have to let some things alone. Its very difficult.

#286893 - 05/09/09 08:52 PM Re: Advice [Re: AH]
bluefairy Offline

Registered: 04/05/09
Posts: 52
What you're doing is good and you should keep encouraging him to seek help and be there for him, but don't try to take control that might have the opposite effect. Have you told him about this website? maybe he doesn't want to admit it, but would like help, he could anonomously use this website.

There will always be a place for you in my heart

#286899 - 05/09/09 10:38 PM Re: Advice [Re: AH]
profryr1974 Offline

Registered: 05/07/09
Posts: 9
Loc: arizona
There are so many pieces to so many stories that it is hard not to stop and think sometimes-- wait is that . . . Then no- that is another person's story.

I don't want to presume to know better for the situation you describe and yet I have heard many people speak at length of the need for this or that person to fll live his or her own truth or life, and as one to whom itis said on ocasion I sometimes want to ask what that means? I think I know what you mean and it is a fine sentiment and one I hold with you probably in most ways. Yet the powerfull need to individuate which is to some liberation is unmatched to another for whom the step- the threshold that keps them from entering the home of their own life or self as it were- is not the same as yours or some others. There are many whose ability to find self will grow within a relationship or better yet network of relationships in which to do so is safe- encouraged even.

I also afirm your ability to remain caring and present and perhaps suggest you do yourself a disservice in charachterizing yourself in relation to this person as one seeing a flower along the highway. Your thought and energy as well as love suggest something much more like a gardner-- but see how like the road a garden has many wild free places where you can not be the boundary of all life and your friend can feel invested and conected to things of greater meaning and constancy than automobiles wizzing about their own lives.


"I have not hands to stop every mouth so there is nothing but to speak the truth and trust God." Queen Elizabeth I

#286908 - 05/10/09 12:56 AM Re: Advice [Re: profryr1974]
An Offline

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
wow , i like that expresson, "entering the home of your own life". Thank you for that. An


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