Welcome to Malesurvivor, Erik.
I'm going to offer my thoughts on some of your questions, I hear what you're saying and have been through a lot of it myself. Sorry it's long, but I wanted to share fully my response to what you're saying.
"I love them both so very much. I want to learn how to love someone becuse hating myself is so easy and seems like the natural thing to do. I dont know how to show how much i love and care about them. I miss them so much."
The love is already there. You just need to say the words to them. Maybe cut and paste those lines and send them off as an email. Have you told your wife about the abuse?
"I am a Police officer and have to be "The strong one". I often am done with calls and drive away thinking "Wow i am such a hypocrate, how can i help these people when i can't even help myself" This is one of the hardest ones to see. You are the strong one. Your strength helped you survive. Now its helping you help others. The problem is it also created patterns of survival that you no longer need. The shutting away of feeling and not sharing the love are some of those old patterns. I call them my shell. I need to crack open the shell, knowing its safe to love.
"i have pretended to be ok and strong for all this time and now it is staring me right in the face everytime i look into the mirror." Erik, I don't think it's faking at all. You survived. You lived through hell. When you're going through hell the definition of OK and strong are different from when you're safe at home. We're like soldiers coming back from a war. We learned to be OK in tough times. Now we need to learn the rules of OK at home.
"I hate everything about me, I feel fake. I feel if people knew the real "ME" they would steer clear." So many of us go through this, and I used to try to get in fights so someone would beat me up so I could feel anything again. The fake is just the shell, the old habits. Those can be retained. There really is hope. I'm so much better now than I used to be that it's like being a new person. ONly the beautiful part is, the new person is just the little kid inside me finally getting the treatment he deserved so he could smile and know the world was a reasonable safe place. Once you see the real you again, so much can change.
"I hear people tell me that its not my fault and i shouldn't blame myself for anything thats happened but i just cant believe that, somehow it has to be atleast partially my fault. " Try now to worry about blaming anyone. It's so much better to let go of the past and live in the now. The more I thought about what happened the more I realized the real issue was here with me, it was my daily thinking and acting that needed thought, not the past.
"When will i be a survivor?" To me the fact that you're asking shows you've survived. When we're caught in the abuse we barely know it's happening. It's only when we start to get free of it that the realization hits and the survival techniques become a problem instead of the safety net they've always been.
"Is this as good as it gets? Will i ever be someone thats not "messed up"? will i ever be good enough?" It gets way better. Infinitely better in my case, so that I'm happy most of the time and the abuse seems far away. There really is hope. Healing is possible. The behavior and thought patterns can be changed. I hope you'll come to see yourself as not just good enough, but really fine.
"Will the hate ever stop or atleast lighten up? Will the pain ever stop? Will i eer stop pushing people away? " For me? Yes, yes, and yes. It's possible to stop hating and to forgive. The pain can come and go and maybe finally leave. It's possible to love very deeply again and to show it freely.
The fact that you're here and talking is the key, and it shows an incredible amount of courage. For me breaking the silence was so stressful it gave me an out of body experience. Those first weeks months, whatever, of sharing the story are the worst ones (they were for me at least). Let it all out. Feel free to write and write. Let it be like opening a sore so all the pus can run out then like running warm water over it until the wound is really clear and clean.
Again, welcome. I hope the site is as helpful to you as it has been for me.
ps: lots of people recommend therapy. I've never had it, so I don't know how it works. For me the key has been meditation, and here's a post with some techniques: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...4629#Post284629