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#286510 - 05/06/09 11:00 PM Crap I don't want to think&can't say outloud-Trgrs
Survivinguy Offline

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 318
Loc: Colorado

1. I've been having body memories of being raped off and on all day. I did a lot of work on those memories yesterday in therapy with chokra and energy work - quiet intense - and I'm glad for having done the work/therapy but the damn body memories won't quit and being at work all day means I get to just sit through waves of these feelings and pretend to everyone around me that nothing is going on, all the while I want to scream and cry.

2. I'm feeling very isolated. I know it's mostly self-imposed. I could call my therapist if I "had to" but I'm not in emergency mode and I don't want to waste her time. I could call a friend who knows my history but he just got back from vacation and this is probably the last thing he wants to think or talk about. I could talk to my wife but she has so much on her plate right now with her own family that I don't want to add to her stress. So I sit here with all these feelings and memories without much of an outlet and no healthy release in 'near' sight.

3. I haven't been on the MS site for over a month, maybe longer, and coming in here and just dropping all this crap on the website after not contributing to the site in several weeks seems pretty damn selfish.

4. I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot going for me so part of me feels like I shouldn't be posting at all. I've never been to an AA or NA meeting before but this post feels like if I were to go to an AA meeting and after everyone else talks about the costs of their battle with addiction, I stand up and say I'm drinking about a six pack a month. Maybe that's a bad analogy - like I said - never been to a meeting - but really - hell I don't know maybe I'm minimizing, maybe I'm maximizing - I have no idea. Wow so want to delete this.

5. I'm in a new place with my recovery (12th year overall) - I've recovered a lot of new memories in the last 6 months and while I was at the lowest mental/emotional/physical point of my life 3 months ago - I'm in a new place now and mostly it's a good place - I have a far deeper understanding of the abuse and I know what I need to do next (confront Mom again, disclose/confront brother, act on my recoevery experience, write more, maybe someday reach that "final" stage and more) but there are days I feel like I'm starting over again. These 'start overs' are shorter and shorter in duration but still quite intense.

6. Hi. My name is survivinguy and I'm a survivor of male childhood sexual abuse and incest. I feel like I need to say that about 100 times a day.


I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

#286514 - 05/06/09 11:27 PM Re: Crap I don't want to think&can't say outloud-Trgrs [Re: Survivinguy]
michael banks Offline

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Hi brother,

Glad to hear from. Wish you could be in a better place. But right now this is the place you need to come and dump that shit you have been carrying for years. We are were to share each others burdens and there is no require leg work to be entitled to share your burdens with us.
I have been thinking about you lately and god gives you a reason to be here. We don't have to stay in our self imposed prison of isolation if we choose not too.
In a way the guys here are my real family because they have walked in my shoes and felt my pain. As a family we need to be here for in each other in our times of need. because we will all have them.

Take Care my friend
Please stay as close as you can.


To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

#286521 - 05/07/09 12:32 AM Re: Crap I don't want to think&can't say outloud-Trgrs [Re: michael banks]
Anarion Cti Offline

Registered: 03/23/09
Posts: 157
Loc: Eastern US
Survivingguy, I've been having those same body feelings lately, and feel very much like you say you are feeling now. Please know that many of us understand, given similar backgrounds. Please don't hesitate to post whatever you need to say; you're among friends now. Please don't worry about minimizing or maximizing; this is the place to vent; you can sort it out later, hopefully with a little help from your friends here. You are not being selfish at all. You have every right to post, and we want to hear you.

"Thou, O Lord, are the shield about me;
You're my helper,
You're the one who lifts up my head."
"Whom have I in heaven or earth but You?"

#286523 - 05/07/09 12:36 AM Re: Crap I don't want to think&can't say outloud-Trgrs [Re: michael banks]
starman77 Offline

Registered: 04/04/09
Posts: 36
Loc: Illinois

I can relate to you in several ways. FOR ME when the body memories are strong, I try to ride them out and don't fight with the feelings.
The other is I isolate when I am hurting the most. That is the worst thing I could do. I havn't been on this site for long but I found this is the place to come when you feel like shit. Let it out here, the guys listen well.
My T tells me to reach out, and be nice to myself. And don't forget to eat well during these times.
Hope that helps.

Take care.
Come here often.


#286532 - 05/07/09 02:12 AM Re: Crap I don't want to think&can't say outloud-Trgrs [Re: Survivinguy]
christianfather Offline

Registered: 05/04/08
Posts: 116
Loc: TN
your not dumping crap. Your trying to heal. That's what this place is for so you can vent and fell safe. I believe that's something you told me when I first started here at MS.

#286537 - 05/07/09 03:23 AM Re: Crap I don't want to think&can't say outloud-Trgrs [Re: christianfather]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986
I have my own body trauma issues, and I know I very much dislike it.

As far as number 3 goes, don't worry about it and share away. I know the guys here would just like to listen and lend a hand if they can.


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