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#285306 - 04/25/09 01:21 PM Question for all
riz Offline

Registered: 10/08/08
Posts: 123
When someone remembers and subsequently discloses csa, is it possible for them to just seal it back up again, never to resurface? People will say no, but I'm sure there are lots of people who never get treatment and end up just fine. There have to be, right? Statistically?

In general, or in comments specifically to me, people talk about the relationship while he is in "the early stages of recovery". But my husband has asked me not to contact him anymore. And he says he doesn't want to talk about "that anymore". I am trying to forget him, but how do I pretend all this didn't really happen?

And I hardly ever contacted him. He contacted me.

I guess I wish him the best and that he is happy and healthy, but from everything I read, it seems he is probably in hell...oh well, non of my concern anymore, right? I guess now I what? start going on dates? That seems so crazy.

I feel so crazy. Is it possible he is happy? that he will just be happy and ok? Can he just stuff it all back in? Don't people survive and thrive in places where there is no such thing as therapy or other treatments? Geez, Louise. I feel so crazy. This is just none of my business anymore. Yesterday it was and today it's not.

See ya later. I have to go to the gym so I can start going on dates :-)


#285313 - 04/25/09 02:25 PM Re: Question for all [Re: riz]
kolisha54 Offline

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Nooooo!!! Maybe not in hell, but definitely in DENIAL!!!

Can't say what "happy" means, but the poor guy would probably just settle for "functioning."

As for the dates... send me a PM & come hang out with your BFF GrrrlFriends!

You are not crazy, you are just suffering (WOW! What a great deal, huh!). You are most definitely not crazy!

With Love,


If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

#285321 - 04/25/09 05:00 PM Re: Question for all [Re: kolisha54]
wes-b Offline

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Riz, my dear sweet sister.

Thanks for posting. I feel the love and concern in your words, letting go is difficult and "pretending all this didn't happen" is not an option... my decades of pretending just made it worse... You lived with a survivor and have been affected by being emotionally connected with him... Sister Riz, you have your own journey of healing to walk out I must say. From my place I grew up with Alcoholism and I was affected by that deeply (I am coming to know) and even during my decades of denial it affected my life... I fell I am losing my train of thought ;-)

Crap I'm losing my focus... Hell, I want to paint a picture and soften my thoughts so that "Everyone will be happy" That boy in the middle of his rageful alcoholic father and emotionally abusive and controlling mother AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!...
Look up CoDa or an Anon program and follow your spirit to where and who it leads you to for you own healing.

As I believe, if you go back out into the dating world without healing you will find the "same" bag of challenges in your next partner.

Love ya sis, and I hope I stayed on track ;-)


Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

#285326 - 04/25/09 06:55 PM Re: Question for all [Re: wes-b]
fromtoday Offline

Registered: 10/04/08
Posts: 74
Loc: UK

I like Kolisha's term "functioning", this would apply to my husband most of the time, he works, he eats, sleeps, talks, to most people around us he would appear "okay", but the above is seasoned with short periods of utter despair and self harming behaviour.

Who knows how your husband is? maybe he is in his own personal hell, maybe he is in total denial, maybe he's blissfully managed to stuff his feelings and is "happy".

I'm so sorry that your husband has detached from you in this way, I've lost track of how long we have been chatting on this forum, 6, 12 months I'm not sure, but I really hope you have happier times soon.

I've noticed recently that the posts of several survivors partners (me included), have concentrated on the aspect of healing ourselves, I know I have come to this conclusion because this really is all I can do.

It's time for me to live my life, and I hope this for you too.

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see.....
Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody

#285386 - 04/26/09 12:04 PM Re: Question for all [Re: fromtoday]
riz Offline

Registered: 10/08/08
Posts: 123

Kolisha - Thanks for the reassurance that I have not lost my marbles. I heard a samba band last night with lots of big drums and I thought of you.

Wes - I always appreciate the openess of your replies. It is so helpful to see where you've been. I LOVE this "I want to paint a picture and soften my thoughts so that "Everyone will be happy" ". What a beautiful thought.

Fromtoday - Yes. 6 months I've been here. I feel like an easy, open and shut case compared to what you and the others have been through, and are going through, and in a lot more complicated situations than mine. Still, I'm happy to have you to go through this with. Thanks for pointing out the progress we've made!

You know the weirdest thing? I feel guilty. I have a photo of him as a child. Really I am haunted by that photo. And now I feel like I have left that little boy sitting on the side of the road all alone. Like he ran away from home (again) and I didn't bother to go looking for him.

(And whether you are his mother or not, most people don't want to turn away from a little boy they find sitting alone on the side of the road.)

In the past he has told me good bye. But then we always talked and I reassured him that I still wanted him around. This time I didn't. I feel like I have gone back on my word in telling him I will always be there for him...whether or not we are married.

You know the knowledge that I have gained of CSA has cut me to the core. I feel like if I turn my back on him, I turn my back on it, on the knowledge of it, on everyone here who has suffered. I can not just walk away and forget, but....?????


#285390 - 04/26/09 12:27 PM Re: Question for all [Re: riz]
kolisha54 Offline

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY

Here's what I've told myself in the past when we've gone through periods of complete shut-down:

I haven't abandoned him as long as the love is still there in my heart. But. Sometimes it is self-defeating for me and painful for him if I ACT on those feelings of love.

Then I send him some kind of communication that affirms the unconditional love but also says something like "I'll see you when I see you."

And I try as best I can to just let go & return to my own life & live it as fully as I can.

I do agree with you 100% that we cannot - and should not - forget. But sometimes it really is best, although excruciating, to just walk away & continue to love from a safer distance.


If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

#285398 - 04/26/09 03:58 PM Re: Question for all [Re: kolisha54]
roxanne Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/22/08
Posts: 16

We all understand. Many of us are living with our CSA survivor guys but know that although he is living with us he has already checked out of the relationship (if he was ever really in it in the first place) and we also live with the very real likelihood that any day he'll walk in and say it's over. You might feel crazy (who wouldn't under such circumstances), but you're not. You're the opposite of crazy. Sane.

About the guilt, my therapist describes it as survivor guilt, the same type of guilt that survivors of the Titanic or another large tragedy feel: why did I make it and so many others didn't? Why was he sexually abused and not me? She told me to always speak out about what you know and believe, about CSA and what you've experienced, never sweep it under the rug. But as far as your relationship is concerned, she said to view as a ship. Your man invited you on his ship and told you it was sound and seaworthy, then you both wound up in the water. You almost drowned and you barely made it to shore, and now you're lying there trying to get air, and he refuses to get out of the water. Do you jump back in after him?

That analogy helped me to keep my position in his life in perspective. Meantime, feel angry and sad and everything else you need to feel. But about the guilt, remember, you could have left him at any point and you didn't. You stayed. You gave him love. He chose to leave. He isn't that child in the photo any more. He is a grown man. He can choose to accept the help that is offered. You loved him. You are a good person.


#285402 - 04/26/09 04:39 PM Re: Question for all [Re: roxanne]
soapy bubbles Offline

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london

If the titanic were sinking and I'd got to safety and he was refusing to save himself, yes I'd jump back in. In a heartbeat. How do I learn to leave him drowning?


Edited by soapy bubbles (04/27/09 09:08 AM)
Edit Reason: i was hijacking the thread a bit too much
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

#285589 - 04/28/09 09:55 AM Re: Question for all [Re: soapy bubbles]
riz Offline

Registered: 10/08/08
Posts: 123
Kolisha - Thank you. Very good advice. Perfect. I'm only struggling with the fact that I didn't leave the door open. I was too hurt and I needed to protect myself. Like I keep telling everyone else, one day at a time. Maybe one day I'll tiptoe over and open the door just a crack. Maybe not. Today I'm just tired.

Roxanne - Thank you. I totally get what you're saying. I think I do. And it's a very helpful analogy. I get hung up because I feel like it's not a case of him refusing to get out of the water. It's that I worry he doesn't know how to swim.

SB - Thank you. I read your post and I didn't think you were hijacking this thread. I think it is helpful to hear someone elses long as they stay on the same topic...which I think you did. It's not like you brought up a completely unrelated concern that had nothing to do with what we are talking about.

Interesting: my husband one time told me that he loved me more than I loved him because if I were in stuck in shark infested water, he'd jump in to save me...and he didn't think I'd do the same for him...hmmm...would he have done it for me? or would he be doing it for himself...for his own peace of mind? ego?. What is the difference? Where is the distinction? I struggle with this all the time.


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