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#284873 - 04/22/09 06:02 AM Just sharing.......
joelRT Offline

Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
I have been resisting making this post for days now.

Recently it has been brought to my attention that I have most probably been – by my attitude and/or my manner of expression – hurtful to some on the site.

This has caused me be a great deal of distress.

Perhaps I have been mistaken in my belief that my motivations, and thus my posts, were meant in the best of intentions for all. Truly, right now – in this moment, I don’t know – I don’t know anything, anymore.

What I do know is that another male survivor has caused me, by his comments to me, to hurt me more deeply than any of the memories that I have of my past sexual abuse.


…..I’m sharing with you the song that has been helping me to get through this rough patch as it has helped me through so many other hard times past.

My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

#284888 - 04/22/09 12:47 PM Re: Just sharing....... [Re: joelRT]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509






Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#284896 - 04/22/09 01:15 PM Re: Just sharing....... [Re: joelRT]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
joel, i hear your dismay, and i am sorry for wait.....i'm glad for it.

i know you too well to think you would not see a conscience pricked as an opportunity for more enlightenment. i am sorry when anyone suffers, but when it leads to deeper self-understanding then it can't be all bad.

i have been reading and thinking about attachment issues a lot these days, so of course everything for me is all about attachment issues. crazy it is what i am currently using to resolve some of the the questions that have arisen for me lately. but it makes sense to me at least that some of my deepest pain is activated when my matriarchal connections are felt to be under attack.

what is my matrix? it is the breast that i suckle for providing my fundamental nourishment. take that breast away from me and yes i begin to question my safety. attack my belief systems and you attack my foundation, which is firmly rooted in my relationship to my matrix. take away my matrix and i revert to an earlier stage of existence, back to the womb where i hide in a cloistered world where no one can touch me.

i think that no matter what stage of life i find myself in, i am eternally bound to live out of the patterns that shaped the paradigm of my earliest matriarchal relationship. that is until and unless i do something to recreate a better model. my own relationship with my birth mother did not provide a good pattern foundation. but all my life i was cursed to keep replicating them in every relationship that i encountered. it never dawned on me before recently that my unrequited relationship with my mother was the root of a major defect in terms of how i failed to connect with others, including myself. she was emotionally and physically unavailable, and the earliest attachment imprints never got wired, leaving a deep hole in me, which got filled when my older brother started using me as his sexual outlet. and in doing so he became my surrogate mother, loving and affirming my entire psychic and physical being.

when he later rejected the relationship i was devastated because it was as if my own mother had disowned me. so after that breast was denied me i was destined to find another matrix to take his place. so, i got married. it wasn't as if i wanted to get married, but, implicitly i knew that since i could not have neither my birth mother nor my surrogate brother/mother it was an easy life to chose because my ex-wife was someone i had known all my life and since we were both single at the time and both 'available' we latched on to each other. in this relationship i would attempt to connect to that larger matriarchal paradigm that society holds out as the relationship par excellence: marriage.

well that was not going to work, those years of 'marriage' were like trying to kick start a motorcycle without spark plugs. after we split up my new matriarch became recovery, and that kept me going even though i still did not understand what deep hole i was expecting it to fill. the other larger matriarchal forms of my life became my 20 year educational journey, my nearly 35 year career in church music, and in both of those things i can see that what i was merely trying to do, was to win the approval and engage a connection to that original person who carried me for those first 9 months of my existence.

so for today, i have two mothers: male survivor, and my spiritual community, mcc. and they are the most nurturing matriarchal forms ever encountered in my entire life. my relationship with both of these is very easeful and natural, and in them, i do not have to earn the love and acceptance. it is built in to the relationship. it is causing new wiring to happen for me, helping me to shuck off previous desperate and dysfunctional attempts at inducing nurturing connections.

sorry i didn't mean to capitalize on your pain here, but what's a brudda for? i guess this does not really having much to do with your original post, but what the heck i got a piggy back ride outta you. i owe you one....... where was i......

Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#284918 - 04/22/09 04:42 PM Re: Just sharing....... [Re: Sans Logos]
wes-b Offline

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Joel, my dear Brother;

Sorry to hear that the questioning has caused you deep hurt. In the same vein as what Ron said, I suspect you will gain benefit and knowledge of your self through the pain that was trigged in you. From where I sit you are a source of encouragement and support. You give me contrast to my "normal" perspective and your view/take helps me see where I am blind, aiding my growth.

Warm Hugs from you Brother on the Prairies :-)

Always, Wes

Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

#285196 - 04/24/09 01:16 PM Re: Just sharing....... [Re: wes-b]
joelRT Offline

Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Pete, your support and your friendship are always a blessing to me - thank you smile

Ron, your inane ramblings could not have hit the mark any more precisely than if you actually knew what you were talking about grin - thank you, I needed to hear precisely that.

Wes, the warmth and the love always come through your posts with alarming transparency - thank you, you are a true gift to me cool

My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

#286361 - 05/05/09 05:30 PM Re: Just sharing....... [Re: joelRT]
michael banks Offline

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca

Hey,you are who you are and not everyone is going like you. That holds true for all of us. If you hurt someone unintentionally all you can do is make amends and apologize to them. Then it is in their court to whether they will accept it.
If you are hurting others because of some character defect on your part. Then you need to take action to change this behavior. But that decision is yours.
You are a good man and friend.

PS Knew something was up with you.


To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009


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