I've posted a few scattershot things on this site already, so I figured I should tell my story.

I've made a couple of false starts at joining this forum, but anonymity issues have prevented me from participating with any regularity.

Anyway, I'm male, 33 years old, a victim of CSA. I was about 7-9 years old, she was my cousin and babysitter, age 10-12. There was also one time with a babysitter aunt. And some "exploration" with my younger female cousin (age 6-7?) and my younger sister (same age).

I don't know how much detail to go into about the nature of the abuse (triggers and whatnot). I'll just leave it at lots of sexual "play", attempted intercourse, and nothing violent. She would persuade me to do stuff with her, but never with a knife to my throat or anything. I think it was like "I won't play ___ with you unless you play ___ with me."

I was afraid, but I went along with it. She told me to keep it a secret. That we'd get in trouble if the grown-ups found out. It was scary, but I learned to enjoy it.

One time (probably early on), my parents noticed I was acting weird one night, and they asked what was wrong. I said she made me do things I didn't want to do. They didn't let her babysit for me anymore. But it still happened, behind closed doors, in closets, in back rooms, etc. One night my father walked in on us and got quite upset. That was the end of it.

My parents gave me the "don't let anyone touch you there" talk. I nodded appropriately. But like the victim of a vampire, I was forever changed.

I became obsessed with sex. When the abuse stopped, I was enjoying it, and I still wanted sex. I fantasized a lot and used erotic material a lot. I was (and still am) very uncomfortable talking to people, especially girls. I wanted, and never got. I was very depressed. I still am.

I got a girlfriend in college, and it was like heaven on earth. I lost interest, but I kept it going because I was afraid to be alone. Eventually "wanderlust" kicked in, and we broke up.

I became involved in a string of shallow, dissatisfying relationships, always initiated by the Internet (still can't talk to girls).

I got engaged to one of them, and became determined to make the marriage thing work. We realized I was a sex/lust addict, and she was codependent. MUCH conflict. MUCH instability. I found out I have an anger-management problem--that's a euphemism for screaming "FUCK YOU" at my wife a lot, and often coming close to hitting her (I thank God I never did).

I feel like a failure. Like I will always be unstable and toxic. Not just miserable, but dangerous. Like anyone unfortunate enough to end up with me will end up worse off because of me.

Thanks for letting me share.


The sun has left the sky, now you can close your eyes, leave all the world behind until tomorrow.