**Warning -- Triggers**

I was raised by an uncaring alcoholic mother until i was 10. The first sexual abuse came at 8 by one of my first real friends. He wanted to rub tummies. I can't remember any more of that, but i always remember there was more. I thought of it as just play. I did the same thing to two other friends. They were all male. Next came an older girl maybe 13 or 14, she was babysitting me and asked me if i wanted to lie down with her in the bed, i said hell yea. I remember sucking on her tits, my mother was big brested, so maybe there was some connection there.

The funny thing is i remember watching t.v one time, at about the same age and Big Time wrestling was on, it was a big time program back in 1976, and that's what they used to call t.v. shows, programs. Anyhow, i was watching the fat bellied wrestlers, and i remember getting aroused sexually, and Joe my firs perp fat bellied. I don't know if there is a connection, but that was the first time i had sexual arousal, not an erection, just arousal.

Well, they ended up taking me away from my mother because she was unfit. They put me into an emergency foster home with some other kids. There was a mexican girl there, but at first she wanted to beat me up, so i didn't bother her. It was later that some of the older kids put us up to mess around, but she the latina wasn't going for it. I didn't care, I never tried to touch her or anything.

I forgot about something. Back when i was with my mother, i was over at friends house David M_______, and he had a sister and i kissed her, but that was it. I had had some form of girlfriend since Renee in the 2nd grade, she came after me though, like most of the others.

I consider all this behavior benign, have been told by a counselor,when kids do stuff with kids its just play, so i don't think it impacted me to negatively, except for that sexual arousal i got after Joe had perpetrated me.

They moved me to a permanent foster home and on the second day i was told by the dad that i could bathe with him or the other male foster kid, but Randy the other foster kid was uncircusized said the dad, and made it sound deformed. Never having a dad before i wanted his attention, so i said i would bathe with him. I was 10 years old. It wasn't long before he was giving me blow jobs everynight in the bathtub.

The mother and the two new sister new nothing about this. At about the same time I tought my younges sister Patty how to french kiss, I think we did once. She was 6. I just didn't have much interest in it it was play. And the father if he wanted to suck my dick i let him. I did't really like it with the adult, but i did it to gain his love.

Things escalated sexually between the father and me, he would take me fishing and in the back of the van we would roll aruound together kissing and stuff. I wanted his love and if this how i was going to get it, so be it.

I think this is when jealosy arose from the mother, she became more distant as time when on and there came a day when she wanted me gone, I was still 10. I have to say at first she was real friendly, her and the girls, just playing pinned me down and licked my face, I liked it, it wasn't sexual they were just giving me a hard time. But like i said as time went on i think she sensed that dad and i were getting too close. I screamed and cried when the dad came in and said i would have to leave. I begged them to keep me. And so they did. They ended up going through the adoption process and changed my name.

We moved to the country, from the city of Fresno, CA. The intimacy between my new father and i continued. He started to do more things sexually with me. He showed me how a calf (baby cow) would suck on any thing, and he put his dick inside of the calfs mouth, then he told me to do it. I'm about 12 now and he got me drunk one time, i don't remember all of it, but we had another foster kid, and we spent the night out in the stables. Like I said we got drunk together and he, dad tried to penetrate me for the first time. I screamed so he backed off, and asked the other kid if he wanted some of me. I do remember the blank look on his face and he made no motion towards me.

The baths continued, blow jobs everynight in the bathtub, well, maybe not everynight, but it happened. He sometimes wanted me to stand up so he could lick my rectum. I didn't get this atleast the blow jobs felt good, but i wasn't able to orgasm yet. He would suck me and they i would eventually piss in his mouth. Today i think of that as some kid of revenge, like o.k buddy here you go have a taste of this!

When i got to be 14 and it was the summer before going into highschool, my dad came up to me and was pretending to dry fuck me in the bathroom. Thing about is we had a window and the neighbor boys must have saw because when i got to high school a rumor was started and a bunch of the high school kids started calling me "BF" butt fuck. I was so humiliated, i was a little guy, full of zits, not good at sports and a freshman. It felt horrible, and i wasn't very strong physically, I didn't want to fight. I just took it over and over again

When i was 16, my adopted mother left. Pretty soon i was invited to go live with her, but I loved my dad too much. And this is where i have to start talking about the verbal abuse that went on. Ever since I moved in with these people, every once in awhile about once a month the old man would lose his temper and keep us captive for a whole lot of angry verbal abuse. As i got older this was direct more at me, and my mother. So i should have jumped at the chance of leaving, but my mother got wierd on me a couple of times, yelling and screaming, going bezerk, she started slapping me around. I didn't understand any of this. So i didn't go live with her.

After a year of my mother being gone. My father, myself, and the older of my two little sisters moved to my grandmother's house (dad's mother). I saw an opportunity here. I said I'm going to go take a bath, with my grandmother and dad standing there, I just looked him in the eye, and he looked back and he knew it was over, so i thought. What ended up happening is I had to share a room with dad. He started sneaking over to my bed and started sucking my penis. I wouldn't wake up till it almost over and it felt good so I would let it continue till i orgasmed in his mouth. But i hated it i would pretend not to be awake and that was it. The verbal abuse continued it happened hundreds of times, he would get in my face and yell and scream at me for hours. I would stand there frozen in fear.

I'm about 17 and with the nightly visits, he would also come up with ways to touch me when i was awake during the day. He insisted on rubbing me down with isopropyl alcohol. I hated this it was so humiliating. He would wrestle with me i thought this was fun, but i realized it was another excuse to touch me. Then came the night, he was sucking my penis, and I woke up early on instead of close to orgasm. I blew up, jumped out of bed and came towards him. He backed back down in his bed and coward like a chicken. I told him lets go outside i was set to beat his ass, I didn't care how small i was i was pissed. And he just kept saying no, no. After that it's kind of blank, but i think that was the last time he tried to suck my penis. The verbal abuse happened some more and i lost my nerve to fight him.

When I was 19 i moved out and started college and drinking and drugs. There's more, but that's the basics of how it was. I soon quit college, and took up drinking full time, pretty much stayed drunk until I was 25. I'm 41 now, been in and out of AA for the last 14 yrs. I have been to jail over 40 times all because of alcohol.

My life has basically been a mess, eventhough i keep pretty positive outlook I can't maintain anything for very long. Job after job, home after home, and friend after friend. Today, i've been sober for over a yr., use a few pills, just quit another job, but I am hopefull that things will change, since I've been participating more in MS.


[Edited to remove last name]

My Story