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#283860 - 04/16/09 03:26 AM Wife...
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 01/28/08
Posts: 2615
Loc: Central PA
So tonight the wife and I are talking.

Apparently my "cuddling" up to her bothers her. She says it makes her feel like I want a mother.

I told her that wasn't the case but it's how "She feels".

So what to do now? I can't get close to her that way, and it's one of the reaons I've actually felt close to her lately and been able to open up and talk to her. She just wants me to "Hold her like a woman."

Ok, fine, but how I feel when I'm holding her is not even close to being similar to what I feel when she holds me. Matter of fact, I don't know why, but when I'm hodling her, I usually don't feel much at all. It doesn't make me feel close and I have no clue why.

So now I just feel this heavy hurt and pain inside, knowing that I have no clue how to get that close feeling with my wife that I get when she puts her arms around me.

Sometimes I hate being a man. It's ok for a woman to cuddle up to a man and no one thinks she's looking for a father, but a man can't do the same without there being some bs crap about it.

Man I hurt.

#283864 - 04/16/09 03:49 AM Re: Wife... [Re: JustScott]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA

Don't give up. You actually have a bunch of positives. You are communicating with each other even though there are some smaller negative inputs. Keep working together and communicatint to try to find expressions that please both of you.


pufferfish whistle

#283867 - 04/16/09 04:36 AM Re: Wife... [Re: JustScott]
blueshift Offline

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Men aren't supposed to be human. We're supposed to be strong for everyone else and never need help or support ourselves. It's a big load of crap that has been fed men and women both since they were little boys and girls.

Hopefully eventually you can get her to see the bs she is buying into for what it is. I think in a healthy relationship both partners should sometimes hold and sometimes be held, but society's crap dictates that a man never show any kind of vulnerability like that.

It's very sad.

My Story
My Art

#283878 - 04/16/09 10:41 AM Re: Wife... [Re: blueshift]
scuba Offline

Registered: 12/31/08
Posts: 5
Loc: Florida
Hey Scott,
Has your wife been on here? She doesn't know how lucky she is that you want to be close to her and share yourself with her. I wish I could get the same from my guy. He is still too afraid to let anyone close or comfort him. Maybe let her see this.
Good luck,

#283890 - 04/16/09 01:41 PM Re: Wife... [Re: scuba]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 01/28/08
Posts: 2615
Loc: Central PA
She's not interested in being here, that much has been made completely clear. It's been suggested and been chucked out the window.

Trouble with communication is, I only feel safe and comfortable enough to do so when I'm feeling close to her, and since the main means that's been helpful lately is now gone, I really just want to get as far from her as I can and just isolate myself.

#283895 - 04/16/09 02:25 PM Re: Wife... [Re: JustScott]
stan12 Offline

Registered: 03/31/09
Posts: 19

It sounds like your wife thinks you want a mother from her. You may be coming across like that and not be aware of it. Try being romantic and show you are are attracted to her - dinner out somewhere, maybe a movie or theater, or whatever she likes for you both to do together.

When she sees and feels you want her for the reason you both were attracted to each other in the first place, she will be more open and understanding. Marriage is a partnership and you both are there for each other. Right now, she likely sees her role as one way.

#283902 - 04/16/09 04:17 PM Re: Wife... [Re: stan12]
wes-b Offline

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

JustScott my brother...

A couple of thoughts...

you used a word that is something that I do and then sink into a pit of depression, self loathing/hatred/abuse; so I will encourage you to resist the desire to isolate... do all that you can to stay connected and engaged with people. You are worth it, and MS is a great place to connect with others who understand... ya-know the been-there done-that got the F-ing Tee-shirt crowd.

Also, I believe that I know the feeling of being held by someone who cares... I feel nurtured and cared for when she does that, something I did not get in my childhood. As I see it my sexuality and my ability to have normal intimate human relationships is horribly damaged from my abuse history that I found a woman that I thought would nurture me like I didn't get -- and that can easily be seen as wanting a mother, or to be mothered -- regardless of how it may be received I have begun to ask to be held when I feel vulnerable and want to be nurtured. We have discussed this in counselling and agreed that I ask for what I need and that she is in her right to say no. In the past I have held her in hopes that she would hold me and she would pull away... I have read and heard that this is common for couples, the enmeshed find and connect with the abandoned --God has a sense of humour, or does he want us to be in the best situation to become fully human ??? -- So my wife wants space and I want closeness --go figure, I'm the abandoned ;-) -- as we work through this I am getting better at asking for what I want in a non-manipulative way and accepting her answer... and she is also becoming more willing to indulge me; sometimes she questions what is up with me and I answer if I know or this prompts me to examine and meditate on it... then we talk about what comes up...

There I go, rambling again... Anyhow, hang in there bro. Every day of recovery is worth all the good bad and otherwise that it takes for the next breakthrough.

Love from the thawing north ;-)

You brother in healing, Wes

Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass


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