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#282479 - 04/06/09 07:49 AM How do survivors feel about their partners?
LittleNinja Offline

Registered: 11/06/08
Posts: 9
Loc: South Africa
Hey to all... smile

On occasion my guy has said things like "sometimes I think it would be better for you to be with someone else". Or when we have even the smallest of misunderstandings he would suddenly ask me what I want - to stay in the relationship or break up?

To me his reactions to some situasions are a bit confusing...and I'm thinking it must somehow relate to his CSA?

It hurts me when he suggests that I'd be better off without him, or at the drop of a hat gives me the option of leaving him. Sometimes I almost feel like maybe he suggests these things because he wants me to go? Even though I know he loves me? confused

I know there are many more pressing and important matters that are discussed in this forum and mine seems a little pathetic (*aplogizing*) but I was wondering if any of you ever experienced something similar to my situation and could perhaps give me some insight or advice?

How do survivors really feel about their partners?

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." - Mother Teresa

#282480 - 04/06/09 09:45 AM Re: How do survivors feel about their partners? [Re: LittleNinja]
Nate Offline

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 100
Loc: USA
my initial thought is he doesn't like how his issues are affecting you - meaning his statements are coming from a deep love and desire for you to have the best. that's why i've decided to never allow myself in a romantic relationship - the person i'd fall in love w/ deserves better and should be protected from the craziness which stems from sexual abuse/rape.

he probably doesn't want you to go, just wants you to be safe and unaffected from his issues...

i'm sorry, but i can also understand your guy's perspective all too well.

i don't have a partner, but if i did I know they'd mean more to me than life - yet another reason to shield them from the crazy effects.

hope that helps reveal a survivor's perspective.

"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

#282482 - 04/06/09 11:32 AM Re: How do survivors feel about their partners? [Re: Nate]
riz Offline

Registered: 10/08/08
Posts: 123
Nate, There is such comfort in your words. Thank you for sharing. It is so hard to keep believing that the men we love really love us, too. Even though I understand that my husband and I cannot be together, it is less painful if I believe there is love down in there somewhere deep.

Little Ninja, My husband has told me over and over that he doesn't want to hurt me any more. I would have much rather had him come back. It is hard to accept that two people love each other, but simply cannot be together. But he, like Nate, has said he is much better off alone because the fear of hurting me, or anyone, again, is just more than he can risk.

It seems like the theme of staying/going is so prevalent in our relationships and utterly confusing as to who is wishing the other would leave...because a surviver is so unsure of himself in the area of boundaries and responsibilities within a relationship...and they often end up with people with shaky boundaries themselves who are willing to take on more responsibility than belongs to them in order to make the relationship work.

Bottom line: pulling close then pushing away is quite typical. Stay strong in who you are, and in defining what is yours and what is his.

Hope this helps a little...


#282490 - 04/06/09 12:11 PM Re: How do survivors feel about their partners? [Re: Nate]
LittleNinja Offline

Registered: 11/06/08
Posts: 9
Loc: South Africa

Thankyou for your input. I understand what you are saying, the intentions behind his words come from a good place. smile

Its just hard for me to understand why he can't seem to accept that I WANT to be with him, and that I'm not going to leave unless The Lord gives me the conviction in my heart that it would be best to end the relationship. (Maybe that sounds crazy?)

I know, regardless of what the reason may be, we all try to shield the people we love from being hurt. But pushing me away in order to shield me from ANYTHING would hurt a great deal more than allowing me to be there and stand by him through whatever he (and we) may face.

I have read that some victims of abuse often feel like damaged goods, worthless, tainted... frown and that breaks my heart! I wish there was some way, some words, heck anything I could do or say to make my partner believe that he is nothing short of perfect and amazing and inspiring to me. I realise that abuse affects people in ways that I can't even begin to comprehend, but it doesn't define who you are as a person!

Peace and love

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." - Mother Teresa

#282491 - 04/06/09 12:12 PM Re: How do survivors feel about their partners? [Re: riz]
N15 Offline

Registered: 02/23/09
Posts: 6
Loc: UK
This issue is close to my heart at the moment, thank you for posting!

My partner tells me to pack my bags a few times a week at the moment... then he tells me he loves me and can't live without me in his next breath! At times I don't know what to believe.

Saying that the other night he told me he tells me to leave when he is being defensive and hurt... I guess he wants me to hurt too. I also know he has trust issues as his ex-wife left him... somewhere down there he fears that I will leave him too.

Riz - thank you for your concluding words, they do help.


#282577 - 04/07/09 12:18 AM Re: How do survivors feel about their partners? [Re: N15]
Junefriday Offline

Registered: 06/06/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Hi Littleninja,

My ex-H tells me that I am better off without him too. Deep down I think he believes that he is damaged goods. I didn't think that I treated him that way, but perhaps the simple truth that I know his secrets is enough to set that off. I don't know anymore. It is frustrating and sad because I thought he was wonderful for trying to deal with his issues.

"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.


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