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#282101 - 04/03/09 05:51 PM Feeling stuck
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2669
Loc: durham, north england

I'm really sorry about another of these sorts of topics from me, but this week has been the worst I've had for a long time. Everything from fuguing aka spacing out to the point where I literally can't concentrate, to insomnia, to an extreme confrontation with my own worthlessness.

I know precisely why this is. In the last few months I've had the Mike Lue work shop, a week in Italy skeeing, a major on stage performance, a week in Egypt and then when I got back an unexpected trip up to edinburgh with my friends to see a couple of shows. The problem is, then things stop, and I'm just left alone with me again.

The fact that I stil! haven't got a T doesn't help either. I took Dusty's suggestion and tried the commercial one I saw last year, ---- which again my parents offered to pay for, but by shear bad luck she's also not working at the moment and will continue not to be for several months.

Several times I've considdered writing on here, but I've thought surely I should be further on than this, ---- and I can't burden everyone with my rubbish again.

It's all the usual stuff of course which many people will recognize, the feeling that I am worth nothing, that I am always imposing on everyone just by existing.

All I can concentrate on now from Egypt were the three people who on separate occasions told me, ----- as so many people have told me in the past, that I'd make someone a wonderful boyfriend/husband (depending upon the age of the lady in question), usually after telling me all their problems and life story.

I have no idea why people keep doing this! If i'd acquired a gf everytime someone told me I should do I'd be rivalling king solomon by now.

I stil can't get away from the fact that the closest I've been to someone was while being casually hurt and insulted, that I've had my face spat in, my hand forced up a girl's skirt, my own sperm slapped in my face, ---- ut never kissed anyone.

Sorry, stepping back now.

As you've gathered, things are pretty dire at the moment, and I'm really not sure what I can do other than just sit and wait for things to pass.

Sorry about yet another wrant, I've just been stuck lately, ----- and yet I've got absolutely no reason to be, sinse what I went through was nothing compared to what other people survived.


#282113 - 04/03/09 07:22 PM Re: Feeling stuck [Re: dark empathy]
michael banks Offline

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca

Show me in the csa survivor hand book where it states that we will get to the point of never having to post on M/S or to be a burden on others when we need to share.
OH yea, I forgot there is no such hand book or rule to that effect. So I guess you will have to conitue to be a burden or inspiration to others here by posting.


To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

#282122 - 04/03/09 08:51 PM Re: Feeling stuck [Re: michael banks]
stan12 Offline

Registered: 03/31/09
Posts: 19
dark empathy,

I'm new here and can't really help much yet. But I do know that it's wrong to compare yourself and experiences to anyone else. We all have gone through things differently and we all react differently as well.

You are unique.

We're all here to help each other and I thank you for the support and advice you gave me a couple days ago. It's comforting to know someone like you are there to help me. So I'm sure everyone here is here for you as well.


#282125 - 04/03/09 09:23 PM Re: Feeling stuck [Re: stan12]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
Why don't you sit down with a cup of tea and list all the good qualities that you have. Then make a list of some of the nice things that others have said about you. Ok Now when you are done with that I want you to list like you were trying to do here things that YOU think make you worthless. Yes, list all of those lies that you have been telling yourself and then compare the two.

You know what I think? I think if you showed that list to me I would be looking at two different people. You have major accomplishents in your life. You are a loving caring person interested in others and listening to their problems. I know how hard it is to see the good stuff in yourself. I struggle with that too. Especially after last year. But you can choose to focus on the negative or you can choose to focus on the the positives in your life. When you get the list of good things about you done Post it on your mirror and look at it ever day. Start a diary of accomplishments and affirmations that people give you and add to it daily as they come in. From time to time when you are tempted to feel bad take that diary out and re read it. See if that helps Luke.

Now go have some ice cream

#282143 - 04/04/09 12:24 AM Re: Feeling stuck [Re: Freedom49]
Dusty Boy Offline

Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 280
Loc: Australia

We are brothers in healing here and we often need to rant, we also understand when others need to. So many of have been jerked around by Tís and the system.
So what Iím trying to say is, if this your only outlet and you need to rant, then rant and really let go, get it off your chest, we understand your struggles and your FRUSTRATION at this time, and think go Luke, cause you are out there trying to win.
I want to support you in any way that I can, however when you apologise all the time I get frustrated because there is no need for you to do so.
When you were abused by the peer females and males, the feeling of worthlessness became a consuming companion(like so many of us). However at this site we are all equals in my eyes, bonded by a need to tell it to people that get it, and to hear in their post replies that that they did get it. Our stories are different yet similar and so many of us really do understand.
When you can post without apologizing I will get up from my computer and do a little dance because I will know that those people are loosing hold of you and you have progressed to the next level of healing


#282383 - 04/05/09 07:35 PM Re: Feeling stuck [Re: Dusty Boy]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2669
Loc: durham, north england

I'm sorry again, ---- yes, I appologized. To be honest I was staying clear of posting just in case things were going to get better and I could say thanks properly, ---- unfortunately things haven't.

Tonight my dad suggested that sinse I've had a pretty hechtic couple of months I'm probably having adrenaline issues, so should go back to 20 mg of citalopram for a week or two which I'm trying, ----- one of the advantages of having a qualified psychiatric nurse for a father being is it makes safely doing things with medication possible.

Unfortunately though, that's going to take a while to work.

thanks for all the responses. The problem is at the moment i genuinely can't think of anything good about myself at all.

People have paid me complements, but this is simply because most people are decent individuals who are kind enough to lie.

If I was such a nice person then why is it the closest anyone's ever wanted to get to me was while spitting in my face.

If I have such a wonderful personality, then why have I never been kissed, ---- been stripped in public, had my own sperm slapped in my face, been called a bastard, ----- but never kissed.

But I've got a wonderful personality, ---- apparently, and would make someone a wonderful boyfriend.

When E told me that just before I came to university, I believed her, because I was in love with her. Now, part of me wants to track her down and tell her just how wrong she was.

i'm really sorry about the wrant, I'm just incredibly stuck at the moment, and I don't see any way of resolving this at all, it only makes sense sinse it's me.


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