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#281909 - 04/02/09 08:08 AM Telling women about your past
coaster Offline

Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 18

My stuff started when I was a little boy and went until I was 17, then my dad got too ill, He died when I was 18. He assaulted my two sisters all the time too and I expect the brothers got it as well but they are not talking. Mother got beaten up a lot too, but truth be told she cleaned me up afterwards so she knew. My dad who was a pastor who taught my sblings and I he was God. Take that german guy Fritzl, stir in Fred Phelps and you got my dad. Lots of torture, whippings, violence, spiritial abuse, and being forced to make terrible choices. Just crazy crazy warped stuff.

Pretty proud of myself though. Have done lots of recovery work for 30 years. Have had 2 girlfriends but mainly thought I must be gay and actted on this to the point where I convinced myself I am. But I don't believe so anymore.

I am NOT in recovery from being gay. This is NOT an issue of self-hatred or homophobia. I have NOT done reparative therapy. I believe people are meant to be whoever they come to believe they are meant to be, and this is a gift from God, or who or whatever you believe in.

But I have NEVER known who I was meant to be. It has all just been a confusing, perplexing journey.

After all these years of work, I have come to believe I was afraid of being like my dad (who taught me I'd grow up to be just like him), and avoided being around most girls so no marriage so no kids so no being like him (abusive) + if I told most guys I was gay they take off and I'd get to be safe from real friendships which I don't believe anymore can exist for the most part between gay and straight guys (many of the straight guys I have tried to be friends with have all asked for sex, too) + if they were gay I knew exactly how to be to get all I really ever wanted (chameleon to get comfort after the sex part was over).

So now, I have nearly hit the deepest stuff and now discover am getting repulsed by gay sex. It is just not me.

So...I'm slowly figuring out what I like in girls, what I am attracted to, etc., greatest fear is, do I be honest up-front about baggage? Both my orientation history, and also being a survivor. I mean, most people know I called myself gay so there is going to be questions.

Any suggestions on how to address this? I am totally in left field. And really scared I'll be more dumb than I already feel. Also feel really really alone. I'm so scared, I am shutting down/shutting off.

Thanks for setting up the site.


Edited by coaster (04/02/09 08:13 AM)

#281913 - 04/02/09 12:19 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: coaster]
nathan555 Offline

Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
You have survived a painful journey of abuse and betrayal
from your father/ Pastor. I am constantly amazed at the capacity to endure and survive God placed within us.

Firstly I affirm your discovery of your being hetro ans would like to affirm your decision.

I think that the "right" girl, if she loves you , will love you including your orientation history and if you like a girl who doesn't she is not the right one for you because you need a girl who will love you through this and stand by you if anything surfaces from csa later in life.

#281916 - 04/02/09 12:47 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: nathan555]
AndyS87 Offline

Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 310
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
The thing about disclosure with women is that you don't have to tell every women you're ever going to try and date or hook up with about what happened to you, at least not immediately. It's just another one of those things that you're going to figure out personally on your own. If you feel a need to disclose, examine your situation, consider your boundaries, and then make a decision. If you don't feel the need to disclose, then you don't have to until you feel the time is right.

Good luck!

#281918 - 04/02/09 12:58 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: coaster]
Jethro8 Offline

Registered: 03/16/09
Posts: 29

Hi Coaster,

I'm sorry to hear what you been through. Its good that you want to process the csa stuff before you commit to a relationship.
From my experience I say that is so wise.
Nathan is right. When you have sorted a lot of stuff out and no longer confused, the right girl would accept your csa past.
The acting out bits would need to be revealed gently.
I found the guys here willing to help with advice, and a shoulder when needed.
You're in the right place.



#281937 - 04/02/09 04:09 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: Jethro8]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
I can identify with much of what you have written. My father was a pastor also and abused me till I left home at 18. I too was left with many of the feelings you mentioned. I got married at 20 and divorced at 34. Lived as a gay for 3 years but it did not work for me at all. I was very unhappy.

I gave up trying to be anything and went back to my church roots and began my healing process. I met another woman and when I saw she was getting serious with me I disclosed to her all I understood about my past up to that time. She still insisted that she loved and wanted to marry me and we did marry but I was not recovered or even near it. She married an abused little boy.

It took 20 years and a second divorce to help me grow up. Now I am a man. A real man and I understand what that means.

Disclosure. There is a stage at where a relationship with a woman would be safe and disclosure to someone who loves you would be a good thing.

No details. A woman does not want those pictures in her head about you. General stuff is good but also tell her about your growth and progress to becoming a man. I think that would help. I would do this when you sense that she is becoming serious and thinking about spending the rest of her life with you.

Just my thoughts.

#281964 - 04/02/09 09:16 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: coaster]
LandOfShadow Offline

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Originally Posted By: coaster

But I have NEVER known who I was meant to be. It has all just been a confusing, perplexing journey.

Hi Coaster,

The part about being gay, turning straight (uh, maybe...) after 30 years is me too. I too avoided women completely. I've worked on myself a whole lot since I escaped from home too but the confusion around orientation and relationships is the hardest thing.

I've gotten a lot of acceptance from women I've told. Next time I'm going to give it a broad brush and keep the detail work out of a partner relationship. Find other people for that is my advice.

I've always struggled in my life with feeling unbearably alone and afraid. I think many of us here share that.

I know what you mean about people asking questions--who've known you as gay and now suddenly there's a girl on the scene. I so envy people who know what they want or can figure that out. Being estranged, alienated from yourself is so painful.

Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you

Paul Eluard

#282033 - 04/03/09 05:12 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: LandOfShadow]
coaster Offline

Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 18
Thanks guys...actually have some tears now cause I see there is (shared) understanding and recognition. This is cool and a relief.

The "no detail" is great advice! ..have come to see I often told details to scare people away. Disbelief when the veil is ripped away scares them away further.

One of the other interesting things is over the last decade or so, I've had other men (younger than me, usually in their early to mid-20s) attracted to me. Because of my own baggage, I usually thought they were gay too (explicit sexual advances, asking to cuddle, etc), but have come to suspect they are also wounded/survivors. This brought into sharp relief an understanding that for so many years I sought the company of older men who would
(1) pay attention to me
(2) be gentle and non-sexually loving to me
(3) be a role model for me, and most important
(4) (and for want of a better phrase), let some of that masculinity rub off on me.

This was not just other gay guys, this was any man. I got the strong impression each of these younger guys was seeking the same thing from me. Have any of you done this also? Is this a "normal" aftereffect of abuse? btw what is csa?

Sorry, I am at the start of this journey hope I am not asking too many questions. It'll peter off after a while lol...


#282034 - 04/03/09 05:19 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: AndyS87]
coaster Offline

Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 18
I'm doing group work and just starting (after 8 months) to really sit with feelings, so most of what I say for a while will be "in my head" still...

Qu. wondering if you ever have gotten trigger by the closeness of the other person (as a threat) and disclose to scare them away? I do that I think...

#282050 - 04/03/09 07:57 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: coaster]
sojourn111 Offline

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 86
Loc: midwest
No need to apologize or diminish your posts. Your voice is needed and important. Your post really opened up some stuff for me to think about. I dealt with some SSA but never really felt 'gay' '. The anger and blatent shauvinistic home I lived in pushed me down an nhealthy disrespectful path with women. But man, some good deep stuff in there and I appreciate you putting it out there.

#282089 - 04/03/09 03:54 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: coaster]
Juni Offline

Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB

CSA = childhood sex abuse
SSA = same sex attraction
T = therapist

I had to learn all this stuff at first also.


Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

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