You are having all those difficulties because, like so many other guys, abuse has left you with a ton of conflicted and negative feelings about yourself. But are those feelings true? Look at all the times a guy may feel guilty about something, but in fact has done nothing wrong.
A good parallel would be a traffic accident in which you are hit by another car and the other driver is clearly and obviously to blame. You are still affected. You are still injured. Your car is still totaled. You still lost a lot of time off work. But does all that make the accident your fault? Nope.
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me. (Woody Guthrie)