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#281533 - 03/31/09 01:18 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: pemac01]
PatchworkMama Offline

Registered: 01/25/09
Posts: 54
Loc: Iowa
Wow. It's good to know so many of you are making it through this. Please continue to add, everyone who posts here have helped me to put together a picture of the future. I just pray we can hang on.

#281622 - 03/31/09 12:48 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
Junefriday Offline

Registered: 06/06/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Hi PatchworkMama,

Unfortunately my husband and I were not so lucky. After almost 2 years of marriage and none of it good, we are splitting up. After our first separation which made absolutely no sense to me, I learned of his CSA and was able to put the pieces together. He was diagnosed with depression, attended marital counseling with me and individual counseling for himself. For a few months everything was wonderful and I saw him again as the strong man that I had fallen in love with. But, after a few months he decided to stop the therapy and back came all of the negative attitudes about me. He has decided that he does not want to be married anymore but in his mind, has created such an image of me that leads him to believe that the marriage is ending becaues I wasn't right for him. No one who knows us agrees with that.

However, I am powerless to stop this. Furthermore, my needs ARE important. I am a well-developed person who has lots of friends and family to provide the support when he can't. The reason I am not fighting the divorce this time is because it isn't that he CAN'T support my needs or care about anything related to me, it is that HE CHOOSES NOT TO. I love him and I wish this weren't happening. When I married him I promised to love him more than I love myself. But he promised to do the same in return but didn't. So now two of us love him and no one is loving me. That is not right and I won't stand for it. I am tired of being in a relationship where I don't matter.

I know it isn't easy for survivors. If you are with someone who is working hard at recovery, stick with it because that is him showing you that HE matters and YOU matter. If he isn't committed to recovery, he likely won't be committed to you.

"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

#281744 - 04/01/09 01:52 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: Junefriday]
kolisha54 Offline

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
"So now two of us love him and no one is loving me. That is not right and I won't stand for it. I am tired of being in a relationship where I don't matter."

Oh my goodness!!!

Oh my goodness!!!

If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

#281755 - 04/01/09 02:56 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: kolisha54]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: Denver, CO
still together? yep - 35 years in all
making it thru this?

#281846 - 04/01/09 10:46 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: MarkK]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hi, my brothers/friends

Well from petercorbett (aka) Irishmoose.
For me it's history. I left my now (seperated) wife of almost 36 yrs in Germany. I just walked out the door, no goodby's, no tears, no emotions.

She had always reminded me that I was an emotional failure towards her. Yep I'm guilty as charged. Forget the fact that I gave her all my emotional and social skills that I had posessed. (none).

A great father and grandfather, but a lousy husband, See my other posts for my various feelings.

To those of you whom have made it a success, my congradulations.

Heal well my brothers/friends.

Pete (Irishmoose)

Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#292467 - 06/21/09 12:43 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: petercorbett]
honey girl Offline

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Patchwork Mama,

I came across this thread looking for something else, but I do want to recommend "NOT 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass for dealing with infidelity behavior.
It is not completely apt since the focus is not on the marriages of survivor men--and yet, a great deal is still perfectly relevant and helpful AS A SUPPLEMENT for the relationship, as long as the abuse issue and recovery from that is also part of the process. What Glass describes is perfectly familiar--the sense of betrayal, upheaval, lack of trust--but as long as the betraying behavior stops, from her clinical experience it is possible to salvage the relationship. Possible: no guarantees. It depends on how much both of you are willing to tolerate, and how hard you can work.
My F and I are in the middle of a huge crisis caused by his sex addiction. I don't know what will happen eventually, but he is (by all indications that I can perceive) seriously committed to the process.
But we shall see. One day at a time.
I wish you hope and healing.


I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

#292482 - 06/21/09 03:57 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: honey girl]
PatchworkMama Offline

Registered: 01/25/09
Posts: 54
Loc: Iowa
Thank You Honey Girl,

I shall read the book you suggested. My H and I are currently in limbo. Who knows what the future holds? I'm just trying to hold on to each day as it comes and appreciate it for what its worth. Treat each moment as if its our last and enjoy it for what it is worth. Some days this brings out joy and happiness. Other days bitterness and resentment. My H perceives this as wishy-washyness and I think it makes it difficult for him to trust me or believe me.

Who knows what the future holds?

Thank you.

#292532 - 06/22/09 01:32 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
friendinneed Offline

Registered: 06/04/09
Posts: 107
In fact this tuesday my wife and I celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary. She deserves all the credit the woman is a Saint to have put up with me for more than 1 hour much less the 22 years we have been a couple. She is the one who taught me unconditional love and she is the one who knew something was wrong and persisted through the pain and even the pain I caused her to get me into treatment and on the road to recovery. Hang in there.

Peace my friend.

Thank you for "knowing" and yet still caring enough to be there. You matter to your love, and everyone of us-survivors, you represent our hope you see proof that we are indeed worthy enough to be loved. We never knew this. Its hard for us to believe keep reminding us okay?


#292578 - 06/22/09 07:28 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: friendinneed]
LittleMissL Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 42
I haven't been over here in ages but happened to pop in tonight and see your post.

My husband and I are thankfully still together and knock on wood are doing well. There was a period in there where I really got scared that we might not but so far so good.

We've been lucky enough to find a therapist that we both like and that has been a tremendous help to us. I had given him an ultimatum to find a therapist and start getting help when he started acting out and while that route may not work for a lot of people, it worked in our case. I think he was at a point that he knew he needed help but it took that extra push from me to finally get him to take the leap.

We celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary a couple of months ago and I hope to have many more to celebrate in the future.

#292628 - 06/22/09 06:01 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: pemac01]
sweet-n-sour Offline

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
It'll be three years ago this month when my husband disclosed the abuse he suffered as a boy. Sometimes I feel as if we've been to hell and back a few times during this process but we are still together and we have grown.

This place we've arrived at is pretty good now. At one time the water around us was very choppy and the boat had this huge gaping hole at the center. Although it seemed as if we were about to sink, we floated through to find stability once again.

My husband has really worked towards better and I have viewed this experience as a great opportunity to get my act together as well. I am very grateful we are in a much better place present day...I believe the best part of this is how much our children appreciate having dad in thier lives and how his calmness makes them feel safe. We really missed having that.


Edited by sweet-n-sour (06/22/09 06:01 PM)
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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