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#281671 - 03/31/09 06:29 PM was sex ever talked about at home?
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
how did you find out about sex?

was it first through abuse, schoolyard banter or some other avenue?

the first time i ever heard about sex was when my peers started talking about 'it' [meaning the sex act], and how our parents did 'it'. i was devastated to think my parents did 'it'; i wnated to puke, and felt like my elevator dropped 40 floors. why did i have such a sickening feeling about sex before i even had an intellectual grasp of it? was it because i was jealous that my mom and dad had that kind of relationship? later, in my teens i remember asking my mother about it, and she said ' i never turned your father down' as if it was all his fault, and she was only doing her duty. in other words sex was a chore, and of course we we raised in household that believed that sex was morally legitimate when it occurred in the context of a heterosexual relationship that had been sanctioned by the 'sacrament of matrimony'.

all other sex, a perfectly natural human function, was, according to this definition, seriously 'disordered'. nice about your psychological, emotional and spiritual abuse.

anyway, it seems our personal attitudes toward sex are shaped by the positive or negative attitudes of the systems [family of origin, educational, cultural, religious, political] that birthed us.

does anyone feel like sharing their process of becoming sexually aware?

thanks bros,


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#281676 - 03/31/09 06:41 PM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: Sans Logos]
JBells Offline

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Juneau
when i was real young someone asked me if i wanted to have "sex". no idea what he was talking about but i guess i kind of assumed it was some kind of candy or treat or something and i looked up to the person so I said yes. after it was over and i knew what sex was, or at least i knew what his version of it was i was disgusted with myself and terrified. so growing up all the violence and all the bad stuff that happened to me was just "sex". at some point in school i heard some kids talking about it so i thought well maybe whats been happening to me is normal after all, but they were talking about it like as if they liked it, enjoyed it, like it was something they wanted to do, i couldnt understand why anyone would want to do that and i couldnt understand why anyone would think it was fun or felt good and i was totally confused about it for a long time.
so now i know the difference between sex and abuse but it doesnt mean im any less confused about it.

#281677 - 03/31/09 06:41 PM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: Sans Logos]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 01/28/08
Posts: 2615
Loc: Central PA
Mine was purely through the abuse and external sources.

When I was 11, my mother finally gave me a book, I guess that was her way of giving "the talk".

I read through it eagerly, but was disappointed to find that there was nothing I didn't know, and of course there was a lot I knew that the book didn't cover.

I just always figured there was something special to it that I was missing or didn't have and then to suddenly come to a place or realization that it's pretty much all the crap I already knew really was a huge huge let down.

Hurts. Deep down inside even now as I think about it.

#281678 - 03/31/09 06:43 PM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: Sans Logos]
ComicBookGuy Offline

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 443
Loc: London, England
Put it this way, my parents opted out of sex ed completely, just dumping a book in my hand about human biology at 10, leaving any further explanations to the school. So the abuse happened before getting that book so I found out about the birds and the bees from banter and schoolfriends as you say, in particular one older friend who lost it on a school trip. How we envied that guy! laugh

Not that it didn't stop me from swearing off sex in general by 12 as HIV and AIDS was breaking through in the 80s.


#281679 - 03/31/09 06:49 PM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: Sans Logos]
Trucker51 Offline

Registered: 05/21/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
My initiation came pretty early at the hands of some older neighborhood boys. I learned about sex and where babies came from by the time I was in grade school through the neighborhood grapevine. I remember several of us in about 3rd grade looking through an early copy of Playboy that one of my friends had taken from his dad's collection. By then I had already been victimized and was at that time being victimized, though it was just fondling. My folk's sent me to a series of summer camps every summer starting about 4th grade and there was a lot of banter in the camps even from counselors there during that time too. By the time that I was 4 I had seen my sister nude when my mom changed her diapers or when mom used to bathe us together. By the time that I was 12 I had played "doctor" or "show & tell & touch" or "strip poker" with a couple neighborhood girls too and this continued a few more times along with skinny-dipping with them in the lake behind our houses at night. The first time that I had consensual straight sex was a few weeks before my 15th birthday with a same-age gal on the bus on the way to summer camp the last time that I went, which was in the Summer of 1972. This event happened right after a horrid two weeks alone with my parent's ex-Vietnam Marine church friend, and came just before my mother's violent attack when I tried to disclose to her after she caught my 13 year-old sister and I nude in our motel room together involved in a little consensual sex play.

That was the event that really set me back and made me clam-up for the next 14 years after that. My mother and her extremist religion views said that sex was only for procreation and that sex was "dirty". Her religious-influenced prudishness and over-protection of her church and its members at all costs threw me for a real loop a week after my 15th birthday. But at least by then I had already experienced the joy of a consensual sexual relationship with Nancy for 3 weeks at summer camp.

Thanks Nancy, I still remember you,


"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark

#281748 - 04/01/09 02:12 AM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: JBells]
mapleleafsn Offline

Registered: 11/03/08
Posts: 131
Loc: Eastern Canada
No! absolutely not!! I didn't even see my parents kiss, hug or holdhands. Any talk of sex or even anything remotely similar or anything was strictly forbidden. At age 6 when my uncle abused me he never used the word sex. Around age 8 or 9 my older brother about 12 at the time had a friend staying overnight. My parents were out for the evening and they were watching the BabyBlue movie on channel 79. We had just recently got cable and apparently this was the channel to watch on friday night at midnight. I crept down the stairs and hid behind a wall. I could see the TV screen but my brother and his friend could not see me. My eyes were glued to the screen. There was a party going on with everyone naked and touching and moaning and moving all over. Then one scene showed a woman giving oral to a guy and I started to shake. All I knew was that this channel had sex and it was bad for us to watch and I saw people doing what my uncle made me do to him. I bolted back upstairs and just quivered and shook for about an hour.

The next morning I asked my brother and his friend what it was that they were watching. He threaten to smash my face if I told mom or dad what they were watching. I told him that I would not tell I just wanted to know more about what I did with my uncle without letting my brother know. He and his friend tried to give me the facts of life in their own young adolesent way.

For the most part my sex education was from the street and poolhall and the few girlfriends that I had during teens. My mother never spoke the word, only made constant remarks about how my father could not please her and that I was going to be the same when I grew up.

That was my introduction to sex.


When the pain of remaining the same finally outweighs the pain of change---things will begin.... life is meant to be enjoyed not endured.

#281749 - 04/01/09 02:17 AM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: Trucker51]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2688
Loc: durham, north england
My story's rather different, ---- and almost the opposite way round.

I heard the word quite early on at my first primary school, but didn't really know what it meant, ---- simply assumed it was a joking swear word.

At the age of about 5 or 6 I distinctly remember having a conversation with my mum where she explained that babies grow inside the womb, and when I asked her "But how do you decide to make one" she just said "the woman just decides to" and left it at that.

The boarding school I attended from the age of 8-10 was positively victorian, ---- they even thought that "heck" was swearing, and I don't even think I heard the S word at all. I did fall very seriously in love at the age of 9, but about the most we did was hug and kiss each other on the cheak when we were both thrown out of P.e. for forgetting our kits.

Somewhere around that time my then 18 year old cousin got me to fondle him on several occasions, but nothing went any further than that, and once I told my parents what he'd had me do we were never left alone together again.

At ten, first my mum, then my dad sat down, read me a book on the subject, and explained it to me. It was explained as something both natural, and reasonable to do with the right person. It was very much stressed to me that this was perfectly fine, ---- I even remember sharing a cabin with a 9 year old boy on a comping trip, and him making a remark which showed clearly to me he didn't know about the subject, ----- but I simply left things, and certainly didn't bother making jokes, sinse it was all fine and normal, any joke would just be pointless.

All this completely changed at secondary school. What my parents told me was absolutely fine was seen as a thing to make jokes about, jokes which down right confused me. We used to have a ritual where I'd tell my parents any new terms I'd come across at school and they'd explained them.

I tried to join in said jokes, but they just felt wrong, and completely stupid to me, ---- sinse there were much more interesting things to talk about.

By the age of 12 this left me entirely isolated, and by 13 the seriously bad stuff started to happen. I don't remember precisely the first time I was fondled, ----I might have been 13 or 14, but I did know it got to the point eventually of having my trousers removed in public, or being forced to touch a girl while having my face spat in.

I learnt to associate anything to do with the subject with being hurt and abused, and stil have trouble hearing the S word or seeing things which are particularly explicite.

As to anything consensual, I'm 26 and have stil never even kissed anyone, and the fact that the physically closest I've been to anyone was while being insulted, reviled and humiliated hurts! a lot!

#281759 - 04/01/09 03:24 AM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: dark empathy]
myboyhoodfears Offline

Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
no one ever talked about sex in my household in any official way...i wasnt sat down and told about it....but porn was readily available around the house so learned it that way,..objectify and use...there was "brief" sex ed in school when i was 13 or so...but by then i already knew the machanics of it straight from Hustler magazine...and Penthouse, at least since i was 5 or 6 and surely before 8...i never associated my CSA with sex untill well after it guessing at probably around 12 or 13....i cant be sure when i first understood what happend was a sexual act...its weird though because i knew about sex before the incident, im pretty sure...maybe because of how the incident was framed for me, by my uncle and not sure i was able to make the connection that what i was doing was sexual at the time, or that it was similar to what i saw in magazines...which were a curiousity for me more than anything at age 5...i will say that my childhood was full of termoil and its a tricky thing to place feelings and memories in the exact order in which they occur...i have to reference things by where i lived, or what school i was in...because we were all over the place..back and forth...its hard to keep these memories in order without some stable point of refernce.

Post Nubilia Pheobus

#281887 - 04/02/09 03:53 AM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: myboyhoodfears]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon
Nope, not even. I was just left to twist in the wind. Steal a playboy or two from the local market, take as gospel what the neighbor kid/abuser told me, and believe everything I heard in the restroom and on the playground at school. Reliable information, eh?

"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#281894 - 04/02/09 04:16 AM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: WalkingSouth]
loberhead Offline

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 172
I learned about sex from my abuse at age 6. And then watching porn a lot after that. My mother showed me at the library where the books were on puberty when I was around 12, but that was it.

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