Sorry I havenít posted in a while. Iíve been reading books on male sa and trying to get my life back together during the last month and a half. Although Iím progressing using EMDR, Iím having to deal with the affects of my wayward wifesí problems (sheís still a victim; not a survivor yet), but thatís another post.
In my first EMDR session a month ago, I dealt with the feelings surrounding my sa, reliving it (like watching a movie) and I looked at it with curiosity rather than anger or pain. Kind of strange I think.
In my 2 other EMDR sessions however, I have been dealing with the physical abuse suffered by me at the hands of my parents.
When we started my second session, I brought up the memories of my alcoholic parents
fighting. I was always the peacekeeper in the family and only one of two (my twin, now in prison for robbery, trying to get more money for his heroin addiction) living in the house with my parents. My brothers and sisters had already moved out. I was 10 or 11 at the time. I remember feeling like a storm was brewing when my father would come home from work (already drunk) and would walk on eggshells to not piss him off.
When my twin and I would go bed, I would lay awake each night, waiting for the storm to come, and sure enough, it would start. First the loud talking, then the yelling, then the sounds of slamming doors, and then the sounds of a struggle. My twin would crawl under his bed and I would run to my parents trying to stop the fight. I remembered dad grabbing my mom by the hair and dragging her around. I remembered my mother swinging an iron, missing my father and hitting me with it. Never phased her a bit. My father threw a left hook, connecting with her eye; me screaming at the top of my lungs to stop!; trying to get between them; being knocked out the way; getting up, pushing my father over an ottoman and either knocking him out, or him passing out. My mother telling me to go back to bed, that everything was alright! (What Bullshit!!!), and me crawling under the bed to sleep there with my twin. The feelings I had during the EMDR were those of fear and extreme anger!
The third session was yesterday and it was really strange! I was really sad that my wife was out of control for the last month, explaining to the T what she was doing. Things like cursing at our children, telling me in front of them that she never should have had them, coming home at dawn so drunk that she would pass out while talking to me on the phone, not taking the children to school, etcÖnot giving a shit about anything other than herself and her bottle. I started crying while telling my T this and I couldnít stop crying! This is when we started the EMDR. What I saw was another fight when I was the same age. I remember it starting the same way it always did, with the brewing storm. I remember running into my parents room and seeing my mother in a headlock; my dad pounding his fist into her face, me looking around for something to hit my dad with to make him stop, picking up a jewelry box and pounding it into my father, my father back handing me and knocking me into the wall. The next thing I remembered was waking up in my bed, seeing my mothers swollen and bloody face.
While recalling all of this, I was sobbing uncontrollably and the T asked if she could hold my ankles. When she touched me, I immediately calmed down, but felt tingling in my legs and arms. She asked if she could do some channeling (what ever that was), and I told her to go for it. While I recalled all of this, I could feel her near me but kept my eyes closed, as we were using the tactile method of EMDR. It was pretty weird, but I could feel this tingling moving around to different parts of my body (and realizing that her hands seemed to be moving above the same parts that were tingling. It was pretty strange! She told me to go to my safe place and imagine my parents there. Also to imagine me at that age there too (my inner child?) along with me as an adult. She told me to take little Mark by the hand and wave goodbye to my parents, and they were waving back to me. I started crying again (Iím crying now as I write thisÖ
Sorry, I had to stop as I have my 3 girls with me this weekend and donít want them to see me crying).
My wife brought them over at 11:00 pm last night because she was going to Austin, about 3 hours from here in Houston, to party with her friends. She is so f*cking out of control to do this with our daughters. They are 2 years old, 5 years old, and 7 years old. They donít need to be up at that hour! Arggggghh!
Sorry, back to my sessionÖ.my T told me to pick up lilí Mark and hold him and hug him and tell him he wasnít responsible for my (his) parents actions. She told me to love and hold and comfort him and I started crying again! I felt so sorry for my little guy and the pain he (we) felt, but I felt like a giant weight had been lifted and I felt I was being bathed in this warm light.
After the session and during the day, I did a lot of thinking and although I still felt like shit, I knew I had hit a milepost in my healing. I have come to the realization that I can heal from all of the abuse suffered at the hands of my parents, both the sa and the physical; cannot control my wife; and have decided to stop enabling her to run rampant through Texas. I will be here for my children now, and will be there for my wife when or if she wants to return to us. I am not responsible for my wife, but am responsible to my children.
Thanks for letting me vent and peace to all of you.
ďOn the Road to recovery, and now have my little mark as my navigator (hope he can read a map)Ē.