I'm wondering if any of you had experienced sexual identity confusion as a child/adolescent because you became aroused during the abuse.
Did you think it "made you gay" or did the perpetrator imply or say that you were because of the arousal?
I have not read any of the other replies here. I will tell you about some of my experiences briefly.
I was a cute kid. Girls fancy cute kids. Doesn't matter what your personality is like, not really, i was quiet, there is no way any of these strange girls knew what i was like.
I had lots of girlfriends, all short-lived, i would dump them all fast, i didn't see the point of having a girlfriend, i would prefer to just play as friends. But i found it hard to say no when they asked me.
Breasts have never been a great attraction, i like small breasts, and short hair, that still worries me sometimes, thinking that i may be looking for a girl that looks more like a boy.
Sometimes i had more than one girlfriend at a time, of course i had a guilty conscience, but i was a kid, and this girl would tell me to think of it as practice for my girlfriend, so i would listen to her.
When i was in my teens i sometimes found myself attracted to younger boys, never boys my own age, that was disgusting, but boys younger than me. Of course, i could see how messed up that idea was. For a while i really struggled with that idea, finding that i was sexually attracted to younger people. But the only reason i was feeling sexually attracted in that way is because i was given that kind of sexual pleasure at that age. I don't feel any sexual attraction to younger people anymore.
What was it? it was the fact that i was strong enough to get in touch with my own feelings, and therefore strong enough to have empathy, rather than to explore my own feelings through repetition. It was the fact that i had empathy, a quality that differs humans from the beasts. Imagine it, really imagine it, i really dont know what kind of person can go through with something like that.
But sometimes the idea of doing sexual things to a man, an older man, invade my mind. Does this make me gay? even though i may want it? even though i may temporarily feel impulsed towards it?
i understand the deep set reasons that may draw me towards certain things, but i recognise THAT, i truly do, and i recognise the feelings and emotions that may say certain things, but i SEE where that come from, and i see WHY.
That's the difference.
CONFUSION. Of course. I often thought maybe it meant i was gay. Not because of anything anybody said to me. Nobody said to me look that means you are enjoying it, and i never even related the enjoyment to their gender- i could masturbate on my own, i couldn't ejaculate, but i could feel the magical feeling. It didn't matter if it was my dad or my brother or my neighbourhood friend who was a girl or if it was just me, it was the same stuff.
Did i ever fancy any of my friends who were boys? not particularly. There was one boy, we were friends, he basically tried to have sex with me, once we were play fighting and he put me in that position, he even made me bleed by holding a knife on my head really hard (we had been play fighting rough and this was how he could win). But was it a feeling in the real sense, or a feeling of submission where i owed him this to be my friend. It was the latter. It was not because i was gay, it was because of the false lessons abuse had taught me.
I have done so much in my past sure i wouldn't think much of pleasing a guy if he wanted to be pleased, still sometimes when i feel intensely towards somebody it pops into my mind for a miilisecond maybe i should give this person what he wants. But that isn't being gay, that is messed up thinking left over from so many years of abuse.