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#281064 - 03/27/09 08:31 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
jerunamuck Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/19/01
Posts: 22
Loc: Maine

Sorry about the delay in replying to your post. I hope you get this.

I think it's very important that you accept you are NOT responsible for the fate of your boyfriend. I for one believe you put your self and your children (even his) first. I accept that your feelings for him are genuine and appropriate despite the criticism of others in this forum. I for one RARELY post here because I do not feel it is a safe environment. I hope others will dwell on that statement before criticizing the remainder of my post here.

You asked how to help him. I will tell you from experience that you have already done so. Yes seeing him incarcerated is painful and seems the antithesis of help. It does not have to be so.

First, the restraining order is negotiable! Talk to the judge who issued it and have it amended (not revoked) to allow limited contact.

When you do get to communicate with him, be clear that his fate is out of your hands. You did what you needed to do for Everyone's sake even though it did not turn out as you hoped.

Encourage him to enter therapy. There are very caring and talented therapists inside but he will have to work hard to gain access to them. There is real hope for healing for him! Do not be surprised to find that there are other inmates will support him on his journey. However, he should remember that he is now among the worst abusers and should be safe first! All those survival tactics learned as a child will be needed for a little while longer.

Work with your therapist, the children's therapists and his therapists on a plan for the future. That plan will and should include a great deal of 'tough love'. That plan is negotiable! At any time, you, he, and the children may and should be encouraged to re-negotiate what it looks like. That plan should clearly state that anyone may take a time out from contact with anyone with no reprocussions. Yes, even the children should be able to take a time out from you. For that to work you will need to make arrangements in advance. Consider your soon to be tween daughter being able to say, "I need a time out. I want to stay with Grandma for the weekend!".

Be prepared to support long distance relationships. When he gets out there should be no problem of his NOT coming to live with you for an indefinite amount of time. That could be for months or until the kids are grown or somewhere in between.

Develop a plan that allows him to parent the child you share "From a Distance"! The power holder in that plan should be the child. I realize this is unrealistic, you the his therapist will need to moderate that plan until the child is capable of taking full responsibility for the relationship.

Above all, Persist in seeking help and feedback from people YOU trust. If you don't find it, seek elsewhere but do not stop seeking it.


#281126 - 03/28/09 04:26 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: jerunamuck]
purplestar Offline

Registered: 03/12/09
Posts: 7
Thank you for the support. I become to realize I actually get to help more than anticipated. A lot of people are in agreeance with me. We are only allowed to write each other with very close monitoring at this point, but it's a start. My daughter as already started counseling and they feel she is doing great enough at this point that only 1-2 more play therapies would be needed just to ensure. I have no intentions of him coming back into the house in the near future at all at this point. I would need to be in counseling myself to get over the betrayal aspect of it all. I've just been real stressed being a single mother of 3 raising on my own and no longer having his income but still having both mine and his bills to pay for on my own now. And I still must help his mother because she has no other family around neither and even though I feel her upraising of him played a big part, she is now to old to understand and is lost. Thanks agian to all of those who were supportive!

Edited by purplestar (03/28/09 09:32 PM)

#281178 - 03/28/09 05:33 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
Seasalt Offline

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 15
Loc: Scandinavia

When my sister was about 12, a man that helped us in the garden imposed himslef on her. He "just" put his hands on her breasts from behind and kissed her on the neck. My sister told my mother about this. The response from my mother, with the best of intentions, was for my sister to understand he was not a bad man. He had issues, was an alcoholic, and all kind of excuses. She did though take full distance from this man, and he was never allowed back to our closness. Later we have learnt that my mother said all of those things so that my sister would not be afraid of men in the future. With best of intentions, I understand, but devastating effects for my sister. It took her years to trust a man. To trust anybody.

How could she develop a true and honest relationship with a man if she had to understand all the bad things. Accept them, becuase he was a victim, of what ever circumstances. It doesn't allow clarity in a relationship, a clarity of boundaries, and without this clarity she did not embark on her first relationship untill she was 26.

What ever you chose, please make sure that what ever happens, your daughter understands, that for all of the reasons that someone does something, does not mean she has to accept it.

I strongly recommend you see the movie Dogville. It is a looong film, but truely worth it till the end. The last 10 minutes dialogue holds wisdom. You need to build up with the whole film though, to make those 10 minutes enlightening.

I wish you strength.


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