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#279444 - 03/14/09 06:25 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
fromtoday Offline

Registered: 10/04/08
Posts: 74
Loc: UK

Please do not delete this post, it may help others in the future.

I don't really have anything to add to what the others had said, but would really urge you to dig deep and analyise why you would be defensive of your boyfriend, its concerns me that you are even considering reuniting your child with her abuser "if" he graduates a "program".

You may have read that new programs can "help", but you must accept that the current general opinion is that abusers do not "get better" but are simply taught techniques to avoid situations where they may abuse.

I haven't the time to quote various sources to you but in my opinion, abusers do not get better and should be removed from society.

Why would I have this opinion?, well because I have watched the devastation.

My husband is an abuse survivor, he is a hero, my heart bleeds when I know what he has experienced as a child, it's never right,

if (and I am in no way implying that survivors of CSA become abusers) he abused a child I would personally throw away the key to his cell.

Why would I do this? because the man which I love wouldn't exist.

Please protect your daughter, it will never, in my opinion, be appropriate for him to have access to her.

Please seek help for yourself, his problems are too big to be fixed by you.

Sending love to you and your daughter.

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see.....
Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody

#279446 - 03/14/09 07:08 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
joelRT Offline

Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada

Edited by joelRT (03/15/09 04:53 AM)
Edit Reason: leaving
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

#279452 - 03/14/09 08:47 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: joelRT]
Kathryn Offline

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303

I"m so sorry about all this.

In my opinion, your daughter should be number one.

And in continuing to support you boyfriend, you risk making her feel like what's happened to her isn't a HUGE thing.

I know you also feel compassion for your boyfriend, but how would your REALLY feel if you also found out that his mother knew what happened, and rather than stopping everything to help HIM, she expended a lot of emotional energy in also helping whoever abused him?

It just seems to me that you need to at least take some time off from your bf's issues and focus on your daughter.

There's tons of time to once again turn your attention back to your bf is you want at some other point.

Take care,

#279459 - 03/14/09 10:31 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: Kathryn]
Trucker51 Offline

Registered: 05/21/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
I was raped at gunpoint hitchhiking at 18, the last of 22 separate incidents of molestation and rape that spanned my life between age 5 and 18, at the hands of 11 different perps. And I know for a fact that recovery is possible because I have lived it for the last 12 years, the last 9 & 1/2 years being the best years of my life. Like Joel I am 51, born in 1957. I do not have any particular fears keeping me down on the farm, and enjoy driving a semi to inner-city Chicago and NYC and mingling with the locals. But I let-go of my hatred many years ago and moved ahead with my life without my past.

Here in Colorado there is a correctional department program for sexual offenders that has had some success. Of course, not every offender is cured. But there has been some success. Now I might agree with Kathryn that your daughter has to come first. Even if the State makes some kind of deal with your boyfriend, he would need to be on a very short leash when it comes to your daughter. There are several inpatient programs that he could attend. Prescott House in Prescott, AZ is fairly inexpensive as inpatient CSA programs go. Perhaps after your boyfriend has some success in a program like theirs you might reconsider, but your daughter's issues have to come first.

So there is hope for recovery, but it can be a long road. And there will always be nay-sayers at every step of the way.

Just have to learn to apply selective listening and shut-out people who aren't helpful.


"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark

#279460 - 03/14/09 10:33 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: Kathryn]
Tadd Offline

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 30

I don't usually say too much myself but felt I also needed to add something here as well.

It seems that you've become a member here in search of a fight or something more for your boyfriend for his past abuse issues. However I feel it's more fitting that your membership here is not for that now but for your daughters new abuse issues.

All of us that are survivors are also responsible in life for the same acts and crimes that any other person is responsible for. I am the father of 3 children myself but if I had in someway acted out with one of them, I would expect no, demand that they would make me accountable for my actions to them. It's called the thing of being an adult no matter what our past is or was.

I've read all of the posts and you seem now to be kind of getting upset with some of the answers in them, sometimes when asking for advice you also need to understand that you won't always get to see or read what you're hoping to hear.

No one doubts that being a good mother, you trained your daughter to come with you with this kind of thing but you also made a statement concerning his other child as well....there are some children that when traumatised that won't come forth, no matter how much they've been taught to do so. I'm sure there are many here that also can attest to this.

You also equated drug addicts and others as such to being able to get the help they need to be cured with being a survivor of abuse.....two whole different worlds there sorry to say! There is no course or magic pill if it were that can be popped and everything is cured especially in abuse and survivor issues.

As someone already has stated, you should be telling his lawyer about your concerns about his past and his maybe present mental health so that when he comes to trial over this his attorney might suggest to the courts that he also get care he needs during any sentencing for this further.

And I mean no offense but when you said what sturdy stock you and your daughter are and she will get through actually played down what was done to her. How do you or could you or anyone else for that matter possibly know what may or maynot transpire for her in her future? She may actually one day experience PTSD when she's don't know this yet, no one does.

You've mentioned getting help and seem more to be on a crusade to help your boyfriend out then anything else which is how I'm sure some of the others are also perceiving this as well and you're not liking some of the answers for whatever reasons you may have.

No one here is trying to pick on you at all....but the help you really are needing at this time is for your daughter but guess what? it's also for yourself because now you're also a victim. I'd suggest that you also get some Therapy with this issue as well and not just your daughter.

This isn't a world of let's go get help now and kiss and make're boyfriend already knew about his own past but didn't choose as being an adult to seek out help himself prior to all of this. If he could talk to you about these issues he can talk to a Therapist, we all have some sort of trust issues each for our own reasons. Even with all of these issues we've sought after help and guidance no matter how much it may pain us to do so.

He crossed the line now and must take what, just like the rest of us would in a similar situation, the consequences to come may be.

You also need to remember still another thing, in some states, if he becomes a convicted felon over this and you permit contact with the minor children again the court can also take the children away from you whether abused or not abused. I'm just saying this to give you something more to think about is all.

I'm sorry if any of what I've said may in some way upset or offended you, it wasn't meant to do that in any certain terms.


#279479 - 03/15/09 01:25 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
ChristineTrying Offline

Registered: 06/24/08
Posts: 36
It was not my intention to make you want to leave this site. I'm sure there is a lot of good information for you on it.

I myself have not found help on this site and therefore I am leaving.

I understand you've done the best for your daughter. I just want you to remember that when he gets out of jail and wants back in your life. He is your ex-boyfriend and although one of your kids is his child, it doesn't give him the right to abuse them. I don't care what happened in a person's childhood to mess them up. He will get help if you can be strong enough to let the system work and keep your kids away from him.

#279493 - 03/15/09 04:01 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: ChristineTrying]
Tadd Offline

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 30

I'm really sorry to hear that you are leaving us and couldn't find what you needed here at this site.

I wish I had the time to have gotten to know you, I'm really sorry again to hear your decision.


#279504 - 03/15/09 07:06 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: Sans Logos]
michael banks Offline

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca

I don't think anyone wants to burn him at the stake.
I know I wish him the best in his recovery process and even maybe i will chat with him at M/S soon.
But the child's welfare must come first PERIOD!!!
All other issues are immaterial in comparsion.


To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

#279524 - 03/15/09 04:06 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: michael banks]
Survivinguy Offline

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 318
Loc: Colorado

I have to say right off the bat I don't have any answers for you. I just sympathize with your struggle. I work in the legal system and I've seen parents struggle with something similiar - loving their child that has perpetrated on a sibling. It's an impossible position to be in - it's not as if they can just choose to stop loving either child but they have to make choices for what is in everyone's best interests and often that means separating the children, sometimes through the remainder of their childhoods. I understand it's not exactly like your situation but the struggle/conflicts/turmoil is similar.

My thoughts and prayers for you and your family.


I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

#279569 - 03/15/09 06:50 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: Survivinguy]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon

I commend your actions taken in defense of your daughter. certainly no judgment is implied by myself, but the bottom line here is that by your own admission there's nothing you can do for the BF because you're not allowed contact.

That being the case it's time to focus on the five year old and yourself. See a counselor on how to work out the painful issues of your relationship with the BF. You stated yourself you're not qualified to determine these things about him so consult with a professional who knows this territory and can help you walk this incredibly difficult path.

"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

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