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#279789 - 03/17/09 11:06 AM Re: You are a loser? [Re: JustScott]
soapy bubbles Offline

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
Hi all,

I think that survivors are often scared that when someone close tells them they're ok, that they're not losers, that they're good men who deserve to think well of themselves, they panic.

They want us (family and friends) to think well of them, but they're afraid of being put on a pedestal and then not being able to live up to expectations.

In my experience with my partner that is definitely the case. If he says he's a loser, disgusting etc (which is pretty often) he wants reassurance, but he doesn't want me gushing about how wonderful he is, because he can't take the pressure of being 'wonderful'.

I truthfully say to him that I love him and that I know he's a good man who is just trying to get through life in the best way he can. We all are, not just survivors.

I find the best way to show him he's not a loser is to just be there for him; to listen and hug and care. No amount of telling him he's ok will make it so; he has to feel it for himself and I try to help him feel it for himself by showing him that I choose to give my time and my love to him because I know he's worth it.


"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

#280038 - 03/19/09 01:30 PM Re: You are a loser? [Re: JustScott]
Corbin327 Offline

Registered: 04/29/08
Posts: 38
Loc: New York
If he's never told you about the abuse, is it possible that he hasn't admitted it to himself yet? I was in my late 20's before I was willing to say, "okay, it actually happened." Before that I was very self-destructive and did all I could to push people away.

It could be that the memories are no longer something he can keep suppressing, and the "I'm a loser," statements keep him lethargic. He may be pushing you away because he knows you care, and the emotion involved with a relationship will most likely bring up the emotion involved with the abuse.

It's shaky ground, especially if he's at the first stages of dealing with his abuse. All I can say is be supportive and willing to listen. Don't push too hard.

The sacred lies in the ordinary

#280088 - 03/19/09 09:06 PM Re: You are a loser? [Re: fpower]
MPackard Offline

Registered: 12/09/08
Posts: 43
Loc: MS
My hubby has told me that when I compliment him or answer "I'm a loser" (and other various self loathing insults) with a gushing explaination of why he is so good and wonderful that it scares him because he thinks that I'm deluded, cannot see that he is such and that someday I will wake up and see him as he is and then I will leave.
I think that the right answer is what soapy said...
tell him that you just think that he's a good guy trying to make it through life like the rest of us.

#280117 - 03/20/09 01:36 AM Re: You are a loser? [Re: MPackard]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon
I've found through personal experience and from watching other individuals who deal with shame, that one of the hardest things for a survivor to do is to feel good about himself, and.... at least for me it was even harder to hear others give me praise.

I'm really not sure how a person can break through that issue with your survivor loved one because self image by it's very nature comes from within not without. Certainly I would tell your survivor at every opportunity how much you love them and how cool, hot, special, wonderful, hunky, you name it, that you think they are. Find creative ways to say it. Tell them that they might not think so but that to you they are the best at (fill in the blank).

One survivor's opinion smile

"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#280263 - 03/21/09 02:59 PM Re: You are a loser? [Re: WalkingSouth]
ComicBookGuy Offline

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 443
Loc: London, England quote Dr Phil, he will have to "fake it to make it" until he can manufacture his own self-esteem, I would suggest a gym pass, set of weights or running shoes, anything to make him exercise and get happier off the endorphins.

That's the start of it. Whatever you know he's good at, push him to that without reference to the abuse, that's where confidence will start to regenerate. At least that's how it happened for me.

Edited by ComicBookGuy (03/21/09 03:02 PM)

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