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#278580 - 03/08/09 01:52 AM You are a loser?
fpower Offline

Registered: 03/02/09
Posts: 5
How do you answer him when he says "I'm a loser", "I am disgusting", "I do not deserve a better job", etc, etc? Has anyone figured out how to respond when he says this???

#278584 - 03/08/09 02:59 AM Re: You are a loser? [Re: fpower]
purplecat Offline

Registered: 03/05/09
Posts: 31
i dont know if this would help, but i allways say " i dont think you are a loser"

its hard to say, depending on the person what is right

*sigh* good luck

#278586 - 03/08/09 03:19 AM Re: You are a loser? [Re: purplecat]
king tut Offline

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2488
Loc: UK
i dont know, it depends on the person, it depends on the inner strength of that person how you should react, that is what would dictate whether you should directly challenge their statement or rather just softly disagree


#278592 - 03/08/09 04:26 AM Re: You are a loser? [Re: king tut]
TJ jeff Offline

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3576
Loc: Northern Wisconsin

I don't know how long you've known him or how much you know about his past or all of the things he's done in his lifetime so far...

I guess what I'm trying to say though... is that for a survivor it's often very hard to understand that when we call ourselves "loser/disgusting/worthles/ect." that it's really the feelings of the abuse of the past that's making us feel that way about ourselves - it's times like this when we really need understanding friends to help us to see the good things in our lives that we have done/accomplished

Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

#278638 - 03/08/09 06:37 PM Re: You are a loser? [Re: fpower]
riveerboy Offline

Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 84
Loc: Indiana
fpower. Don't know you, so I cannot answer as far as your history, or who said it.

My first thought was, what was the answer to yourself. The thought that just by asking, you were losing in the verbal BS that people do to each other.

Next thought was skills. Verbal or moment skills.

When hit with a position of negative shit, give a moment to your response, to yourself. Like the Kit Kat commercial. Some kind of moment.

If the loser thing comes up again. Pull a coin out and flip it. It gives you a moment before answering anyting. In that moment......You could say....hey, heads I win...not a loser today. And walk away.

Who knows buddy. The power struggles we deal with. Verbal, just the look of anothers expression, so many things we respond to daily. It is tough.

Good Luck.

#278667 - 03/08/09 11:17 PM Re: You are a loser? [Re: riveerboy]
fpower Offline

Registered: 03/02/09
Posts: 5
Actually it's to the guy I'm seeing/friends with...whatever you call it. He is in his mid 30's, I've known him for 10+ years but only this past year reconnected with him. It's kind of strange, as he has not told me he was abused, I just know. I absolutely know! There are hundreds of things that point to this but one being if I just touch him he jumps, he is so scared.

Anyway, he is very good looking and everyone calls him the funniest guy they have ever met. However..this is not the side he shows to me, for some reason he opens up to me and NO ONE knows this soft serious side. So this is the side that tells me his insecurities and if he gets really intoxicated he starts takling about what a loser he is (and he is not), but he really believes he is! He thinks he is disguisting, too skinny, too this, too that. Basically has such a horrible self esteem but when he says these things what do I say? I think he is a gift from God, which he is, but what do I say to him? I would think that he would expect me to say "no your not, you are great...etc" and I do but does he hear that?

I feel like I have to be so very careful with what I say to him because if I tell him positive things he freezes and does not know what to say or do and that is usually when I don't hear from him for days on end. It can be as simple as "your such a cool guy", he will freak out.

Is there a better response to make him feel better about himself? He has hundreds of friends and it's funny, they don't even know him. I am like this too, and never met another person with my same characteristics. It's caught me totally off guard and I'm just at a loss. I just want to stay his friend, maybe he will tell me someday but I almost don't want him too because if he did I know he would run away for good, but that is the very selfish side of me talking because I don't want him to leave. I do though want him to love himself, and whatever has to happen for him to love himself, I pray that God would make that happen...with or without me because it's not about me.

My two cents...I think this man is the greatest thing since sliced bread! smile


#278684 - 03/08/09 11:57 PM Re: You are a loser? [Re: fpower]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington
I think I might respond something like...Your not a loser, your handsome with a great sense of humor (I would ask him to look into your eyes when you tell him this).

...Or you could make a form of gratitude list with all the positive qualities that my him such a valuable friend. (friendship card).

The best revenge is living a good life...(Hopefully one day, he will see and realize, this to be his truth).

Human (The Killers)


Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#278687 - 03/09/09 12:21 AM Re: You are a loser? [Re: 1islandboy]
fpower Offline

Registered: 03/02/09
Posts: 5
One thing I want to add...I used to not be able to look people in the eyes. I tried so hard for years for it to become a conscious effort to do so. He will not hold my eye contact and often will tell me not to look at him (if we are talking and I am looking at him).

I have actually written two very non threatening letters to him about his friendship and his value and even that seems to scare him. He is very different as far as men go and I always feel he is testing me for trust issues. However, I don't want to get into that right now in this thread.

#278688 - 03/09/09 12:31 AM Re: You are a loser? [Re: fpower]
fpower Offline

Registered: 03/02/09
Posts: 5
Maybe there is no answer really...I don't know. I am very go with the flow and just whatever so most things can't get me riled up, however when I am my "normal" (which is happy, nice) he stiffens up. It's almost if he wants me to treat him like crap, which I can't do. He has crossed my boundaries several times but each one was a different boundary that he needed to learn. I am just like "look, if that is what you want, that's fine, but it's not me or I'm not cool with that". He either apologizes or gets pissed off and tells me we are two different and leaves, but then ends up coming back.

I guess I'm just starting to worry because it's coming time to hang out with him again in person and I'm worried he is going to belittle himeself and I just want to know what stance to take. Yes we only see each other about once a month or once every 3 weeks or so.

#279068 - 03/11/09 06:40 PM Re: You are a loser? [Re: fpower]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 01/28/08
Posts: 2615
Loc: Central PA
You could try what my wife does. I insult myself, she cries, and I feel even worse than I did to start with.

It's usually in moments where I feel like crap and I don't know what to do with myself and I try expressing what I'm feeling inside, but it always comes out even worse. I suppose I could say nothing, but that hurts just as bad and then I feel alone on top of that.

Maybe he is just telling you how he feels inside.

Edited by JustScott (03/11/09 06:42 PM)

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