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#278057 - 03/03/09 06:41 PM Re: Sex, or the lack thereof [Re: michael banks]
Krystal Offline

Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 1
I am so so so glad to find this site. I can't tell you how painful the last year has been figuring all this stuff out alone. I knew that CSA can manifest as depression in adults, but the more subtle things have been sort of like finding rotting Easter eggs all over the house. My boyfriend and I moved in together last year and that's when a lot of new manifestations of CSA issues came up. Suddenly he wasn't comfortable with me initiating sex, his general personal hygiene suffered, he does that thing where he's in the room but totally ignoring me, he withdrew a ton emotionally & it's taken us this long just to get to a point where we are trying to work on it together. And it's painful & hard & I'm angry after all this time of feeling rejected and frustrated...which is really hard to let go of.
What do you do? I love him & there are so many things about our relationship that are great, but how on earth can we think of making a life together & getting married with children when there is this huge painful disconnect in what should be the most postitive, trust-building part of our relationship. It's really upsetting me. I don't want to leave him, but especially when I'm so powerless to improve things, how can I stay when it's miserable. Will it improve, can it?
So what are some things that do work toward making things smoother? How do we start to build trust again? Or is it just going slow and talking about it as things come up? Ugh. Thanks for listening.

#278292 - 03/05/09 02:01 PM Re: Sex, or the lack thereof [Re: michael banks]
purplecat Offline

Registered: 03/05/09
Posts: 31
I also have a much loved man in my life who i am having the same problem. I AM SO GRATEFULL FOR THIS BORD.

for a long time, i was sad because i beleved his lack of sex for me was because he found me ugly. I stuggle with my own issues of self image. Whenever we had a problem with sex, i would withdraw, and my mind would hurl insults at me " your too fat for him" "you discust him" ect. this made both of us cry.

NOw i am starting to understand that while sex with me is hard, it isnt my looks.

my big issue is he can have sex with strangers, because according to him "it dosnt mean anything" and not with me because he cares about me and feelings are invovled. He also is very much into porn.

can anyone help explain this to me? i have a hard time understanding (i want to) how his desire for meaningless sex and porn can be there, but when it comes to me, its not there.

When we first met, i admit that we were nothing more then causal freinds who had sex but no feelings. as the months wore on, somehow we both started having deeper feelings. Its been a long, hard hard HARD road...neither of us even know how we fell in love...we both swore off love, and him with his past, he didnt trust anyone. somehow...we are on our way. but as you all know there is huge bumps in the road and the biggest one is sex.

WE want to get help, but we are both broke. he has applyed for assitants threw the state but its 'pending' so i am really at a loss on how to get help for couples going threw this. He has gotten help for his problems before and it was his idea to get help for us together.

i dont know what to do. I dont know how we can work threw the sex issue. It causes a big problem in our relationship and i need help just as much as he does. When we have a problem with sex i get depressed, cry, feel unwanted, ugly, ect. He feels bad because he wants me but just cant get past his flashbacks when we are being sexual.

does anyone have any links to help us with this? any ideas on what to try, or any ideas on how to get free help?

#278483 - 03/06/09 11:26 PM Re: Sex, or the lack thereof [Re: dls2317]
dls2317 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/28/08
Posts: 7
Thanks, all of you, for voicing support.

I wanted to give an update, because things have changed, thankfully for the better.

There are things that he's doing and things that I'm doing to make this a bit smoother. We're communicating better, and I'm getting better at not taking things personally. I think some of the work with his therapist since my first post helped.

When he's unable to communicate, we actually have a "safe word"--something silly and ridiculous that has nothing to do with sex or relationships or control. So, when he's having a bad day, he can tell me this, and I'll give him space.

Sometimes he's angry and unable to talk about it or talk to me at all. So we've worked out a system: When he's angry with me, I'm going to ignore him for a day. Then we talk about it if necessary. That way, he can work out his feelings, and I actively try to not take it personally. It's hard, but ignoring it gets easier every time.

The sex thing is still a problem. But what makes it easier is a non-sexual intimacy that we're developing that's new. So for example, he'll look me in the eye, squeeze my hand, and say, "You know, I really love you and need you in my life right now." Of course, he's said he loves me before, but it feels different now. And at random times, he'll thank me for being there for him and "putting up with his shit". I just need some positive intimacy every now and then. Sex would be ideal, and I do miss it, but I'm willing to go without if there's that connection.

Well, for now, at least.. It hasn't been very long, but things are looking up.

For Purplecat--I'm really, really sorry to hear this. it's hard enough to be strong enough to get help, but then when you can't afford it.. ugh. My partner was in the same boat. We worked it out with a therapist who works on a sliding scale. Luckily, he works well with her. I found her by calling up a local sexual abuse hotline and asking for references for therapists who work on a sliding scale.

Good luck to you, and the other partners and survivors on here.

#278514 - 03/07/09 04:05 AM Re: Sex, or the lack thereof [Re: dls2317]
purplecat Offline

Registered: 03/05/09
Posts: 31

thanks for the suggestion.

and i have also found that when my man is having one of his "moods" or bad days, the only thing that works is space or completely leaving him alone for a day or so. i learned that the hard way. so your well on the right track so good for you. That was one of the things that brought us closer is being apart. We both had time to think and regroup

#278528 - 03/07/09 07:38 AM Re: Sex, or the lack thereof [Re: purplecat]
joelRT Offline

Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada

Edited by joelRT (03/15/09 05:19 AM)
Edit Reason: leaving
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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