I'm new here and this is my first post.
I've read some of the survivor stories on this site and the abuse you guys have suffered is so horrible. I was molested when I was about 5 or 6. I first started having flashbacks about the SA when I was around 9 or 10, which is also when I started masterbating. I would masterbate to the thought of myslef being molested and raped. At that time I didn't understand that the SA I had gone through was something bad.
Unlike a lot of the guys here I wasn't physically, verbally or mentally abused as a child. I wasn't held down and raped or threatened or made to perform oral sex. I don't remember having any physical pain from my SA, but today, I can definately feel the deep scars it left. The memory is very short: I'm about 5 or 6 and I'm on the third floor of my house where my older brother's room is. For a long tme I convinced myself that the abuser was a friend of my brother, but now I have admitted to myself that it was my brother. I don't remember exactly how the event started; all I remember is that he was sitting on the edge of is bed with his bed covers over his legs. He told me to get under the covers and when I did I noticed he didn't have on any pants or underwear. I could see his penis and testicles. I don't know if he told me to or not, but I remember touching and fondling him. Then he pulls the covers back and smiles at me. He's my big brother so I smile back. Then he pulls the covers back over me and I continue. That's the end. That's the only abuse I remember suffering and it seems so small to me, but it still effects me today.
When I was 15 I witnessed my dad, who was and still is my best friend and hero, die of a massive heart attack. I was already introverted and had few friends at the time but his death made it even worst. I began to have severe depression and started making myself throw up and I also self-injured for a while. It wasn't until I got to college and I started seeing the therapist there that the feelings really came out. I saw that therapist for about 5 months and then she referred me to my current therapist who specializes in victims of sexual abuse. He's great and I love talking to him.
My abuse wasn't painful physically, but what it's done to my mind is what really hurts me. I'm 19 and ever since I was about 11 I've struggled with sexual thoughts about children. My therapist knows this and has been great in helping me reduce the thoughts. They are very strong and sometimes I feel like I can't help them. I used to not be able to get an errection without thinking about a child in a sexual way, but wth my therapists help and the medication I'm on those thoughts have dramatically reduced. It's still a struggle, but I am making progress.
Yet another 24 hours.