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#276707 - 02/23/09 04:33 AM Just here to whine today, encouragement/hope?
Olive Oil Offline

Registered: 02/10/09
Posts: 20
I don't know why but it was a very hard day for me. It started off normally enough, pot of coffee, watching the news together, reading the paper or surfing the web on my laptop. Got into a discussion about my ideas on making something for our boat, and it was like he just kept shooting it down. Saying how it was too expensive, he'd already thought of it, and ultimately, how I didn't know what I was talking about it. I'm used to this an normally I just let it go but today it really got me down. I get so tired of fighting his negativity constantly...

Anyway, it was like that put me in a mood I just couldn't shake, for the rest of the day. And I am so not that way, normally I can let things roll off me and know something isn't my problem. Normally on Sundays we take a run to do some shopping but he refused and wanted to do nothing but sit on the couch. All day. I know he tries hard to get up and do things, for ME, but this time he just couldn't make himself move. I didn't want to go alone. I stayed around doing laundry and eventually went for a walk, which was OK, practicing some things I do to make myself feel better. But as soon as I got back to the house, it descended on me again.

He told me that on weekends it's much worse than during the week, when his work keeps him busy. What I see is he's not dealing with it, and sometimes I even wonder if he enjoys his misery. The reason I say that is he doesn't want to do anything to make it better. Or doesn't know how. Or maybe doesn't believe it can be better.

I have a little introduction to a course that my son gave me (he is also a survivor, by the way) and this course has totally and completely changed his life. He is now full of joy and hope, but it has taken him a full year of working on using the tools in this course. The course doesn't initially start out requiring you to bare your soul, it just starts out with examining your own notions of yourself and your notions of others. Anyway, I asked my husband if he would be willing to begin working through this course with me and he angrily refuses to touch it.

I am going to do it anyway, for myself... it is for anyone (not just survivors) but I find myself so disappointed that my husband doesn't WANT to try ANYTHING and just seems to want to sit there feeling awful. And wanting to die. He's going to a therapist and he is telling her these things, why isn't she doing something, why is she sending him home without a presciption to help him? He was on anti-depressants before but said they made him feel "numb" and like he didn't care and he has said he wants to get through this, not be drugged. I do understand BUT if he is constantly feeling this way, I still feel he should be taking something to get over these rough spots.

That's all my whining for now, sorry for dumping on everyone. I guess I will go read some more of my Avatar course material. I am feeling so lonely right now, and maybe that was the gist of it all day. Just lonely.

#276725 - 02/23/09 10:18 AM Re: Just here to whine today, encouragement/hope? [Re: Olive Oil]
An Offline

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
olive oil,
beautiful post. yes to all those feelings.

i'm thinking it's a course in Miracles - i've not done it yet but you may have just led me to that's what may be my path's curve next.

it's strange. when i was in the midst of the very intense confusing relationship, it was the men's boards i craved to understand what was happening. i still crave them but these as well as it's all helped me so much to process what i went through but without some of the self acknowledgment you conveyed so beautiful above.

i just kept accepting and rolling and he said one reason he felt leaving was important was so that i could heal (i have a major long term illness i'm battling) and that he'd destroy all the good with us if he stayed w/ me during this stage cause he'd be just as you husband is being and he felt i didn't deserve that. i took it all as excuses for abandoning me at the time but i so see the profound truth in it now.

i don't know and care less if we're ever back together though it'd be pure heaven to me, but what i do care about most and still feel will one day happen , is he'll heal. falling asleep so best let this go. I love your honesty and self awareness and i'd not call it whining. i'd call it telling it like it is. and you're right. i'm in my way less lonely now inside, sad as i am to have him gone from my life physically. but i find now i feel his warmth and love more cause it was all there and expressed. by leaving he took away just what you're talking about.
essentially it was his disassociative Self that left. His core self remains with me.

you've given me much perspctive. You're a wonderful , strong , loving woma. I hope you know you're not alone. , Hope and Healing (forgive the typos , i'm falling asleep! , An

#276778 - 02/23/09 06:37 PM Re: Just here to whine today, encouragement/hope? [Re: An]

Registered: 02/15/09
Posts: 7
I think that lonliness is a word we all use often we are very lonely in our relationships and crave the emotional intimacy we see others enjoy .I feel like I have been chasing that intimacy for 28 yrs and now after th disclosure I understand why i never got it.Doesn't fill up the lonliness though.I feel exactly like you Olive oil and when I am in those moods my husband resents it.Then we fight then I hurt back and then I'm ashamed about how cruel and hurtful I can be throwing everything back up at him .Using what he says to hurt him.Anybody able to help me to control that.I think neither os us needs the fallout from that.I also feel like he wants to do nothing to help himself and then I resent him for not wanting to fight and we go round again.Please any advice.Desperately trying

#276875 - 02/24/09 01:02 PM Re: Just here to whine today, encouragement/hope? [Re: DESPERATELY TYIN]
fromtoday Offline

Registered: 10/04/08
Posts: 74
Loc: UK

I can relate to what everybody is saying.

I was talking the other night to a friend and I said that I have come to realise that I am a trigger for my husband, I've been around since soon after the abuse and I think at times I'm entangled with that period of time, in particular I feel that my husbands inner child is particularly angry with me.

The lonliness can be overwhelming, it's hard not to compare with what you percieve others to have, I feel that at times my behaviour has been awful and abusive in it's self, I have sometimes been pushed to the very edge of what I can cope with, existing in a warped world.

I have lots of memories of when my husband has been emotionally detached from me, the milestones are the worst, marriage, childrens births, I don't know if what I wanted exists but I sure did miss it. But you have to ask if he was so awful why was I with him.

Something that I am slowly realising is that me & my husband didn't choose each other because we were healthy together, we chose each other because it enabled us to continue to retain our barriers from pain. We are pieces of jigsaw that are together because we are similar but yet just don't quite fit.

That doesn't mean that we shouldn't be together, In infact believe that we are working towards being soulmates, but it doesn't come easy.

I had a wobbler a few weeks ago and it made me realise that I have put far too much emotional energy into healing my husband, enabling me to not have the time to heal myself, I've backed off from him and guess what he's doing okay, I've joined an Al-Anon group for myself and so far it's really helping.

Since I've concentrated on myself I've found it much easier to see how wonderful he is rather than how he's not helping me.

Good Luck

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see.....
Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody

#277017 - 02/25/09 05:13 AM Re: Just here to whine today, encouragement/hope? [Re: fromtoday]
Olive Oil Offline

Registered: 02/10/09
Posts: 20
"it made me realise that I have put far too much emotional energy into healing my husband, enabling me to not have the time to heal myself, I've backed off from him and guess what he's doing okay, I've joined an Al-Anon group for myself and so far it's really helping."

I'm not good at quoting, here, or rather haven't taken the time to do it properly. Anyway, I can sure relate to putting too much emotional energy into healing him, to the neglect of my own self-care. I am TRYING not to do that, but it is dificult because right now I know I am the one who has to be strong. And it seems like, in my life, I've always had to be the strong one for everyone. I'm not sure that is accurate, but this is all such a sensitive time. I have to post a separate new post, because today he checked himself into a hospital because he was feeling so suicidal, and that is a separate subject.

On your going to Alanon, I think that's a great thing to do if your spouse is drinking or using drugs. My H was drinking for a lot of years, I didn't even know how many for a long time after I met him. Anyway, eventually he did quit but now has started again. One thing I want to mention is that you should visit as it is a very good support forum for spouses of alcoholics. The book is wonderful as well, by Toby Rice Drews. It is not about getting them sober (you can't 'make' someone quit drinking) so much as how your detaching from their drinking problem and taking carea of yourself properly actually ends up helping them in the long run.

It's difficult to detach from this problem of his because I also recently learned of my son having been abused as a child. It broke my heart. If I had only known I would have done anything to protect him. I had no idea he was struggling, now tonite on the phone he told me that he, too, had planned his own demise. And that was when he decided to deal with his "stuff" and found the Avatar course, which has brought him to a better place in his life. As he put it, it is so exhausting to keep those kinds of secrets and live that way. But... when I think that I almost lost him and the impact of that possible loss hits me, it is almost too much to bear. Even worse, actually, than my husband's current same problem, because I probably feel less responsible for my husband.

I guess I better post that other post, though. Thank you so much for your insights, all of you, all of this helps me feel so much less lonely.

#277560 - 02/28/09 01:13 PM Re: Just here to whine today, encouragement/hope? [Re: Olive Oil]

Registered: 02/15/09
Posts: 7
Hello all
Need some help.The fighting was on overload and my husband took off to be with his "dying" mother his dysfunctional family and the city of his abuse,leaving even though I am telling him I can't take anymore.For eight days there has been no communication and (God help me I am enjoying the peace).No-one believes he will return except our daughters and I don't know what to do if he does or even if he doesn't.I am caught between loving the man,feeling devasted for the boy and hating what our life has become.
Being his mother figure is becoming too hard and I need to become someone else in his life ,like maybe an equal partner.How do I make that happen and extricate myself from my other feelings.Maybe he won't come back and I will be asking for another kind of advice but for now this is what i need.I miss him so much it's like physical pain,but this is always the problem.Me loving him so much allows him to takke advantage and excuse his behaviours.Trying to stay strong and waiting

#277565 - 02/28/09 02:56 PM Re: Just here to whine today, encouragement/hope? [Re: DESPERATELY TYIN]
Olive Oil Offline

Registered: 02/10/09
Posts: 20
It's so hard! I am new at trying to cope with this, myself, but I can see that you need to take care of yourSELF. It's ok that you are enjoying the peace right now. My husband has been in the hospital all week due to wanting to hurt himself, and though I miss him, and I am worried, I am also enjoying the peace of not (for the moment) having his problems taking up the whole house.

Whether your guy comes back or not is his decision, this is not something you can control. I am also new to this board but I do know there is support here. Hang in there and try to find something to do that you enjoy (if you remember what things you do enjoy!)


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