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#277349 - 02/27/09 12:45 AM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: Trucker51]
DannyT Offline

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 645
I confronted my dad. I basically had to in order to try to have a relationship with him.I wasn't aggressive, just wanted to talk it all out. He only remembered one time out of the many. I wish he could have been less defensive so that I could have learned more about him than I did. For a long time I blamed him for the results of his actions on me. Now I have a hard time carrying the blame very far. I'm sure he was also the victim of abuse that he was covering with alcohol. I'm not implying that makes it OK in anyway. I just know that he was a very complex person who did a lot of good and a lot of bad in my life. More than anything if I could change the past, I would change his childhood to a safe one that never brought on any of that pain.

I used to think confrontation was necessary as confrontation. Now I just see the need to have things talked out. In my case my dad destroyed our relationship, and I needed a dad, if even a crappy one. I wish he could have owned up to what he did the day after and just said, "son, I'm sorry." Then we could have had the talk when it might have helped both of us most. But instead it had to become a "dirty little secret." I think the secrecy is the most damaging thing of all.


#277384 - 02/27/09 09:56 AM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: overcomer4life]
pemac01 Offline

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 25
Loc: Texas
My wife and I met before I started to realize that I needed to see a T for what had heppened to me. I had some behavior that caused me to have 3 broken marrages before my current wife, and the same acting out almost cost me this one as well. She was ready to move on and we were haveing a serious talk about how we were going to divide our property when my acting out came up. She asked me why and I had no answer for her. She's in nurseing school and they had just been through some of the psych courses that she had to take so some of her alarm bells went off. I had written a letter to myself and to my T detailing all the things I had done wrong in our marrage and taking responsibility for them. I read it to her Then I finally admitted to her what had happened to me as a kid. The first person I had ever told since it had happened. It was the point that marked the beginning of a new start for me and also for our marrage. There is no formula that I'm aware of - lol.
It was just a pure luck chance that I even read the letter to her but it was the "magic button" I had needed to push to get her to take a 2nd look at us and want to make it work.
Im still not past all my issues yet but I'm working on it with her help. Dont give up whatever you do.

#277393 - 02/27/09 02:11 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: pemac01]
Brother B+ Offline

Registered: 02/19/09
Posts: 16
Loc: France
I confronted my dad, after not having talked to him in 21 years. I felt honestly like without him in my life, I was only breathing with one lung, even knowing what he had done, and that what he had done has screwed me for life, more or less. But he is still my dad, and I still love him.
Anyway, I wrote him after all those years and told him that I knew what he had done and that it had damaged me, made me mentally ill, etc.
His reply was that he doesn't remember doing what I said he did, but that he doesn't deny it and that he is sorry for any hurt he has called me. Yes, an unsatisfactory answer, but enough for me at the moment to continue to be in some kind of relationship with the man who is my father. I know that he, too, had been molested by his own father, and that he is a sick man, and therefore not fully responsible for all that he did. This doesn't stop me from being in horrible rages and hating what he did to me. But I don't hate him anymore... that's all in the past. I can hate what he did and how it affects me, but I don't hate him anymore.
I don't find that it affects my recovery negatively to have him in my life; in fact, I'd say rather that it helps to have at least said what I did. I know that someday a real confrontation with details and memories, etc., will come. For now, I am at peace with my dad, more or less. Until that day, there will be a hidden wall between us, until the day when he fully admits what he did and truly asks forgiveness for it.
But as a Christian, I felt that I had to make this step, to forgive him and be as at peace with him as I can be. Over twenty years without me in his life was a hard punishment.
I'd be glad to get feedback from you guys, if you'd like.

"Blessed are those who mourn, they shall be comforted"
St Matthew 5:5

Sometimes I think milk and cookies are the ultimate comfort food!

Brother B+ Story

#277409 - 02/27/09 03:54 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: Brother B+]
overcomer4life Offline

Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
WOW! You still LOVE him!? OOOOOOOUCH! I can not say that about my dad's brother. WOW! I admire you for that man.

Pemac...I am so jealous of you and your wife man! That is beautiful. She knew that you got "touched" as a kid and she still didn't RUN!? I have had some runners in my day! WOW!

Your story lets me know that what I seek IS's just a matter of when.


#277418 - 02/27/09 04:18 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: overcomer4life]
jesusstrength Offline

Registered: 02/16/09
Posts: 18
Loc: USA
overcomer, it very certainly is possible to have a relationship and move on with your life. It seems all the girls that I ever dated were victims as well. They just never spoke out to me about it nor did I. I would figure things out as the relationship would go on, but wouldn't say anything about neither.

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