I confronted my dad, after not having talked to him in 21 years. I felt honestly like without him in my life, I was only breathing with one lung, even knowing what he had done, and that what he had done has screwed me for life, more or less. But he is still my dad, and I still love him.
Anyway, I wrote him after all those years and told him that I knew what he had done and that it had damaged me, made me mentally ill, etc.
His reply was that he doesn't remember doing what I said he did, but that he doesn't deny it and that he is sorry for any hurt he has called me. Yes, an unsatisfactory answer, but enough for me at the moment to continue to be in some kind of relationship with the man who is my father. I know that he, too, had been molested by his own father, and that he is a sick man, and therefore not fully responsible for all that he did. This doesn't stop me from being in horrible rages and hating what he did to me. But I don't hate him anymore... that's all in the past. I can hate what he did and how it affects me, but I don't hate him anymore.
I don't find that it affects my recovery negatively to have him in my life; in fact, I'd say rather that it helps to have at least said what I did. I know that someday a real confrontation with details and memories, etc., will come. For now, I am at peace with my dad, more or less. Until that day, there will be a hidden wall between us, until the day when he fully admits what he did and truly asks forgiveness for it.
But as a Christian, I felt that I had to make this step, to forgive him and be as at peace with him as I can be. Over twenty years without me in his life was a hard punishment.
I'd be glad to get feedback from you guys, if you'd like.
"Blessed are those who mourn, they shall be comforted"
St Matthew 5:5
Sometimes I think milk and cookies are the ultimate comfort food!Brother B+ Story