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#275596 - 02/17/09 06:08 AM Leaving Home
xJustex Offline

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 8
Loc: Canada
I need some advice on something. This has been something that has been on my mind.

A little history first. My family is aboriginal-Canadian and has been through the residential schools and the traumatic effects of it are going down generation to generation. My brother was my main abuser growing up; emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually. It's a secret that's inside me, the rest of my family is dysfunctional and they do not know. But I've been working on healing from all this for some time, and I've been taking my power back, I'm no longer afraid of him. We both still live at home with my mother and step-dad. There is no connection or warmth in my family, it's very lonely and isolated at home. I have to go out with my friends to feel connection and intimacy...I don't get it at home. I'm starting to feel restless here.

My brother had a child four years ago with my best friend and I can't stand my nephew and I know it's nothing he did, I still have so much anger towards my brother and it's totally transferring onto his son. I can't even feel warmth or connected with my nephew, at least not yet. I hope I can be feel proud and happy to spend time with my nephew instead of drained and cold around him.

I really worry about him though. I fear for his safety. I know the fact that I was sexually abused by my brother puts my nephew at risk and I don't know if I can trust my brother. It isn't just about me anymore, it's about my nephew too, I hold they key to his safety. If I open up I know he'll be safe, his mother would protect him, but I will have to face my family and most likely their rage and's not just my immediate family either, my family is huge. But I can't keep this secret in my anymore. I feel that it's time for me to let the truth out. Even though I dread when my nephew comes over. I couldn't stand it if anything happened to him, knowing I have the power to protect him.

I feel that it's time to write some letters, one to my mother, brother, and my nephew's mother. And to leave. I want distance from my family. I want to start over, leave the abuse behind and let the secret out. I'll also be leaving for my own protection, I don't feel safe letting the secret out while in their presence. I don't want any contact from them for the first while. I want to just disappear. Maybe I'll return someday. It's just going to be hard to do this to my mother...She's worked so hard so that I could grow up in a safe community instead of a reservation and she's had it so hard already. I really love her.

I have savings and I feel I should head east. With the healing work I've done I feel more confident and capable and I know I will do a good job if I were too look for work. It's going to be hard but I have a friend that way...he's been really supportive and I trust him. I'm in University right now and I feel it's not what I should be doing right now in my life. I want to be an audio-producer or music-editor and maybe return to school for counseling in the future.

I hope my best friend isn't upset that I didn't tell her this earlier...but I didn't start recovering memories till about a year ago. It was too overwhelming to even think of telling her...but with the work I've done and I'm feeling more ready.

I kind of feel this all sounds crazy...but it just started popping into my head almost randomly, just a full plan.

I guess I just need some re-assurance. Does this sound right? Is it crazy? I feel it, I feel I should do this. It came into my head almost just like I had typed it here. I think my mind is telling my something...

Edited by xJustex (02/17/09 06:09 AM)

#275607 - 02/17/09 09:04 AM Re: Leaving Home [Re: xJustex]
fromtoday Offline

Registered: 10/04/08
Posts: 74
Loc: UK


I'm sorry for the situation you are in, I'm a wife of a survivor, I'm sure others will wade in with thei thoughts soon.

You should feel proud that you are trying to stop the cycle of abuse in your family, its very couragous and your nephew obviously needs protecting, I wouldn't worry too much at the moment regarding your negative feelings towards him, I think this is a natural response to your trama and could be overcome through therapy.

You don't say your age but I'm guessing late teens, if this is wrong my advice may differ.

My advice here is gain help from external parties, if you run away you will be opening yourself to exposure from other forces.

Think carefully about leaving University, it can provide you much more support than just education, if you go to a tutor ask to be refered to the additional needs services, explain your situation, you don't need to go into details just make sure they know you are vunerable, they may be ablt to offer student support or counselling.

You may think you can get a job but you might find that you are not mentally in the right place when this all blows up, it's much better to be in a place where you can get support, a university will, an employer is unlikely.

Don't rush to tell your best friend unless you want to, they could be a valuable ali, they may be upset but think about what you tell her and Im sure she will understand.

Think hard, do you have anyone in the family who would support you, you mention your mother, is there an aunt, uncle, family friend.

Could you be housed by the university?

I wish you luck

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see.....
Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody

#275619 - 02/17/09 02:04 PM Re: Leaving Home [Re: xJustex]
riveerboy Offline

Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 84
Loc: Indiana
Hey, buddy. Sounds like you have a cool grasp of a terrible situation. You may need more time to place things into motion. Your safety and well being are foremost. I cannot give councel on what you should do, but I do hope the best for you.

One thought is writing letters and keep them in a safe place. Writing them without pulling any punches, full of your feelings, etc.......Then giving it a week or two and rereading and rewriting in a less powerfull format. One that is best for all. Best for you, but one that may be more helpfull for others to deal with. I want to say taking the high road and being honest.

If there is someone there to proofread and make suggestions, may also be supportive to what you wish to do. A T somewhere.

I wish the best for you........Good Luck..

#275628 - 02/17/09 02:19 PM Re: Leaving Home [Re: fromtoday]
riveerboy Offline

Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 84
Loc: Indiana
This is a wierd morning. I always read all the post before replying.

I missed fromtoday's post. There is a tremendous wisdom in what was written. Tremendous. The University has a great amount of information and support systems in place. There are bound to be others there who are paid to assist you and councel.

I was in a place of dealing with family energies and wrote from that spot.

I wholeheartedly agree with fromtoday. The University has an unlimited amount of resources that may be available to you. What you want to do may be a great step forward,but, it may hold unforeseen problems.

The University may be able to assist you in so many ways, and may help in continuing your education, or work, or relocatioon, or healing progress.

Good Luck.

#275634 - 02/17/09 03:40 PM Re: Leaving Home [Re: xJustex]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi xjustex,

i have read all your posts and from this one, you seem to me to be in a state of indecision, sort of at a crossroads.

you are being confronted with a lot right now. being here with us has obviously inseminated you with a whole new perspective, and that is good in one way, but in another if reactions are not managed well, there could be a tendency to act prematurely on the visceral feelings that prompt the state of urgency.

from reading your posts, i see you have a counselor, someone to talk with about these things, and that is a very good thing!

i would recommend inhibiting taking any action, until you plan things out with your counselor or another person. it is always best to get others opinion and perspectives before you act, particularly in this situation.

the most important thing for you right now, is to count your blessings, and try not to do anything to sabotage them. i am speaking specifically of your involvement in university. why risk losing the best opportunity you have NOW to create a life of greater possibility for your future, out of the miry clay of the past.

it could be that your dissatisfaction with school right now is simply that it is not for you. but on the other hand, if that is not the case [and judging by the incredible grasp you have on the the issues of your life ... your wisdom is commendable] why put your education in jeopardy? you could always quit now and go back, or you could just focus on finishing now. once you finish you will ensure a better prospect for building a life of independence from your abusers. i didn't start university until i was 35; i wanted to start earlier; the csa ruined my chances for that. but once i got more healthy, i wanted to go to school, and each year would go by, i would say with regret, 'i should have started this fall'. eventually i realized that 5 more years could go by and i would still be where i was if i chose to do nothing. however if i started, even if only part time, in 5 years i would be closer to my goal than if had not started.

on the other hand, there is a plan for your life and while it may not include finishing school, i doubt that you would have been brought to such a privileged situation in the first place if it were not.

you will be dealing with the effect of sexual abuse for the rest of your life. it is better to walk that journey as well equipped as possible, so i suggest staying in school.

so many things on your heart and weighing on your mind dredged up by finding this community and looking into the mirror of its soul. this is difficult alone, to confront the effects of sexual abuse on your life.

i say, do whatever it takes to finish your education. and while you are doing that surround yourself with people who will help support you in that singular focus.

i realize that you are hungry for real love right now, but you have the rest of your life for romantic relationships. first you must work to prepare the best ground from which to grow your future.

once you are solid, then think about confrontation, and relationships. those two alone have the power to completely derail your destiny. you already have one strike against you, why go into life with a disadvantage stacking the deck against you? it is of the utmost importance that you make certain that you understand that most major life events are difficult enough to face, but for survivors the challenge is greater still.

as far as your nephew goes, you of course realize that you are transferring your anger and resentment from your brother to him, and you know that is not fair. however, you need to think of your best interests now, and that's why i suggest inhibiting the desire to open pandora's box, so to speak. both i and those of my brothers who were abused, but not abusers, went on to become parents. i understand your concern that your nephew may be at risk; maybe i am speaking blindly here, but in the interests of good timing, rather than out your brother's past abusive behavior, closely monitor the situation with his son. you have the angel overseer's perspective, and truthfully child protective services cannot act efficiently on unfounded accusations. believe me, you don't wanna get caught in that loop unnecessarily. i have friends who have gone that route, and their lives become a living nightmare. just be very careful to make sure that when you do decide to disclose, that it is not done merely out of revenge. try to get past that so the disclosure has healthy effects and benefits. so that those involved can be brought to a place of healing, not more vindictive and division.

you cannot unring a bell. if you blow the whistle, the ensuing results may take over your life, and eliminate options and possibilities which otherwise would not be available. and if and when you disclose, there will be chaos, guaranteed.

as survivors, we lost so much of the ability to determine our life's course. take the best of what you have right now and capitalize on it before you take the risk of losing the ability for the better life, one that you so richly deserve. please consider finishing your education first.

i hope for all the best success for you as you go through this difficult discernment period,


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#275641 - 02/17/09 04:26 PM Re: Leaving Home [Re: Sans Logos]
wes-b Offline

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada


Little Brother, I hear your pain and fear... and I see you accepting blame and responsibility for a whole lot that is outside of your control. Your mother, your nephew, your best friend(sister-in-law), your family's denial. I am moved to say "not your stuff", this is something I am coming to know through my membership in Al-Anon. What I do or do not do does not control the outcome, the outcome is in the hands of my Higher Power, my responsibility is to tune in and listen to and do as my Higher Power asks.

I pray that you find your top plate to be the healing of your self... as you do that you will connect with the next right thing for your life, and clarity will emerge form the current confusion/angst that is evident in your posts to date...

Little brother, open your heart to the supports you have at your disposal, MS, Therapist(s), support groups, healing circles, Sweats... whatever it takes your healing is paramount. The Most High only knows... but you may be a messenger of hope in training.

My prayer is for you to find the strength and direction you need for your healing to flourish.

With love and hope, Wes

Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

#276021 - 02/19/09 05:04 PM Re: Leaving Home [Re: wes-b]
xJustex Offline

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 8
Loc: Canada
The thing is I'm not really feeling University right now. I've been there for two years and I've barely gotten to use any of my talents or abilities. Just read and write papers. I don't know if I can continue this for five more years. I'm doing just okay in Uni, my motivation is very low right now, I don't feel like putting in that extra effort anymore.

Most of my strengths lie in creativity and problem solving. I enjoy challenging myself and creating things like; writings, editing, songs, or performing and Uni is not really built for that. I've already started building a career as a model and I'm also wanting to do audio production to continue going down this route.

I would like to return to Uni one day, as I would like to perhaps a school counselor or something along the lines of that, but right now I feel like I shouldn't be schooling paid for so I can always return in the future...


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