Okay, this is something that's been worrying me and probably belongs here.
The first thing I've had to admit to myself, is that yes, I have a libido. Sinse I can't really discuss this even with close friends very effectively, I'm not sure how serious it is. My mum has stated my libido is probably above average.
She probably does know from looking at the state of my pajamas.
AAlright, let me be honest.
i mb betwene 1 and 6 times a night. I've never been tempted to use pawn or anything similar because of my fear of S, and the fact that anything around that subject would just frighten me.
when I mb, I'm thinking about a form of communication with someone, of being able to communicate with her on a different level. I'm not even usually thinking of a specific person, more a set of synaesthesic colour imprssions and occasional one flash images or sensations.
sinse the only experience I have of being close to smeone was during my abuse, I really don't think about that.
there was one point where I imagined the freedom to touch another person as I had been, with them not reacting, ---- but I've largely grown out of this idea now, and mostly I considder communication with someone.
I don't actually feel guilty or bothered by this or my need to do it,
but One thing I've realized recently which both botheres me and strikes me as not good, is that I actually use mb as a way of subpressing my reactions, ------ particularly in public.
Recently while in Itally and sharing a room with someone, I didn't Mb, and so experienced a reaction out of my control which frightened me.
One thing I've come to realize is that alone, in bed, on my own, my reactions are entirely under my control, there is nobody there to hurt me and I can outlet them safely, where as if I react at any other time or with another person, ----- I start to get extremely frightened, sinse this harps back to my abuse.
I don't know if this also contributes to my hole problem of not being able to ask anyone out, or indeed be asked by anyone and putting out the wrong signals, in fact this is one idea I've only just started to considder.
It really hurts me that the only experiences I've ever had of closeness with someone else were whiel enduring humiliation and ridicule. That I've been touched, and forced to touch ohers, had my face spatin but never kissed.
hek, i don't even know if I'm a virgn or not.
One friend of mine, one of only two peopl I've talked to about this claimes I mut be, sinse I've never experenced something two way with someoneelse, but I'm not sure. It stil botheres me that whatever my mind was doing during the abuse, I couldn't stop my body from reacting.
I really don't know what I can do about this, about my fear of my own reactions or the hole subject in general, but I really would appreciate some advice sinse this causes me a lot of pain.
thanks for listening.