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#275470 - 02/16/09 12:29 PM Afraid of reactions
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2711
Loc: durham, north england
Okay, this is something that's been worrying me and probably belongs here.

The first thing I've had to admit to myself, is that yes, I have a libido. Sinse I can't really discuss this even with close friends very effectively, I'm not sure how serious it is. My mum has stated my libido is probably above average.

She probably does know from looking at the state of my pajamas.

AAlright, let me be honest.

i mb betwene 1 and 6 times a night. I've never been tempted to use pawn or anything similar because of my fear of S, and the fact that anything around that subject would just frighten me.

when I mb, I'm thinking about a form of communication with someone, of being able to communicate with her on a different level. I'm not even usually thinking of a specific person, more a set of synaesthesic colour imprssions and occasional one flash images or sensations.

sinse the only experience I have of being close to smeone was during my abuse, I really don't think about that.

there was one point where I imagined the freedom to touch another person as I had been, with them not reacting, ---- but I've largely grown out of this idea now, and mostly I considder communication with someone.

I don't actually feel guilty or bothered by this or my need to do it,

but One thing I've realized recently which both botheres me and strikes me as not good, is that I actually use mb as a way of subpressing my reactions, ------ particularly in public.

Recently while in Itally and sharing a room with someone, I didn't Mb, and so experienced a reaction out of my control which frightened me.

One thing I've come to realize is that alone, in bed, on my own, my reactions are entirely under my control, there is nobody there to hurt me and I can outlet them safely, where as if I react at any other time or with another person, ----- I start to get extremely frightened, sinse this harps back to my abuse.

I don't know if this also contributes to my hole problem of not being able to ask anyone out, or indeed be asked by anyone and putting out the wrong signals, in fact this is one idea I've only just started to considder.

It really hurts me that the only experiences I've ever had of closeness with someone else were whiel enduring humiliation and ridicule. That I've been touched, and forced to touch ohers, had my face spatin but never kissed.

hek, i don't even know if I'm a virgn or not.

One friend of mine, one of only two peopl I've talked to about this claimes I mut be, sinse I've never experenced something two way with someoneelse, but I'm not sure. It stil botheres me that whatever my mind was doing during the abuse, I couldn't stop my body from reacting.

I really don't know what I can do about this, about my fear of my own reactions or the hole subject in general, but I really would appreciate some advice sinse this causes me a lot of pain.

thanks for listening.


#275472 - 02/16/09 12:43 PM Re: Afraid of reactions [Re: dark empathy]
SIDUDE Offline

Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 47
Loc: New York
Hi Luke and welcome, being a CSA you are bound to have issues, no doubt some of what you are describing is related to your abuse, I would suggest seeing a counselor, or a therapist to come to better understand the nature of this behavior. When I was younger I would MB 3 and 4 times a night too! Donít necessarily think that in and of itself is an issue.

It does sound as though you have experienced a significant trauma however, and you will need to work through that, I understand your reservations in not wanting to talk to other about it that is why it is important to communicate with others here on the Male Survivors site, it can be helpful.
Be well

#275476 - 02/16/09 01:04 PM Re: Afraid of reactions [Re: SIDUDE]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2711
Loc: durham, north england

I have been seeing a counceler, but I find discussng anything to do with S damnably difficult anyway. i've found people on this board have been really helpful with other issues over the passed couple of years, but this has been the first ime I've been able to post in this area or really raised this type of question, which is why i'm looking for advice.

Thanks for listening,



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