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#275015 - 02/13/09 02:51 AM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: cstjude]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington
Brother Mike,

I am not really qualified to give advice, but often moments of clarity come, when I hear others tell their story and I get outside of self.

Somewhere it is said that the sick attract the sick and your only as sick as your secrets.

That being said, I helped damage my relationship beyond all repair, my ex in denial of her shortcomings and at the same time magnifying mine...Really not talking about support here. More like a distraction from our lack of communication and understanding within my trainwreck of a marriage.

Scared of the unknown, not wanting to break up the family unit, and fear of of becoming a statistic, I begged her not to leave.

To this day, I can't really give you a good answer, why my reaction was so...

Was it because I was sleeping on such a comfortable couch, while my wife and daughter slept together in the same bed?

Actually I feel kinda blessed, because when I really came was easy for me to see that this wasn't a fixer upper, but more like a realisation that this relationship is BROKEN...!!!

o.k. enough about me, let's go a different direction..

My ecclectic neighbor was so bent out of shape over my removal of an overgrown landscape and aggressive pruning techniques...and here I am a two years later...with compliments of how well I making room for new growth. (who woulda thunk).

I still feel I am in the infancy of my new relationship, but when we get far enough along...I plan to listen to the 4 cd set of, "Relationships" through the 12 Traditions. with Dave and Polly P from Birch Bay, Washington. (Acquired from Great Events - Recording and Audio) at the last quarterly speakers meeting.

Just throwing this out...if you feel, there is still hope...

You've only got...Once around the ride (Cinderella)


Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#275086 - 02/13/09 04:31 PM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: michael banks]
sweet-n-sour Offline

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Mike:

This is the third attempt at responding to your post. Since it is in the Family and Friends forum, I'm thinking you are looking for both perspectives regarding your marriage, from survivor's and that of us who are in a relationship with a survivor.

This much I know is true regarding marriage in general. The other person is NOT responsible for your happiness and contentment in life. They should be viewed as an added bonus, a friend and a testament to your life and experiences. Someone you wish to share your life with in a give and take sort of balance. When this balance is off center, resentment grows and with that trouble in a marriage.

I believe that if you are unhappy in your relationship, it is safe to guess that your wife is as well. You stated that a few years ago you were in therapy together, apparently it didn't work and if I were in your position, I would be discussing the option of attending couples therapy once again but find a therapist that you BOTH feel can help you.

None of us can control the other person we are with. I know that Male Survivor's "Family and Friend's" forum was a lifesaver especially in the beginning stages of my husband's journey...the many books I've read in addition to the counseling we've attended, it all seemed to pull us through and I have personally grown from this experience. Just as I can't control what my husband does or does not do regarding his healing, so it stands to reason, you also have no say on how you wife chooses or does not choose to support you or herself at this time.

When in a relationship we all must take responsibility for ourselves, but you and your wife both have an equal stake in your marriage. Such forums here can offer us all a different perspective but at the end of the day, when the computer is off, none of us are in your life living it, you know?

From what you've shared, it seems as if there is a lot that you carried into your relationship, patterns of seeking negative attention that needs to be addressed. Even if your marriage does not make it, without work on this pattern, the next time around the same>
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

#275303 - 02/15/09 04:51 AM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: sweet-n-sour]
michael banks Offline

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca

Thank You for your replies.

At times in recovery we come to a crossroad where we have to choose which path is the right directions for us. And at these times we also have to part paths with those we love because the direction they must travel is different than the one you must take. Maybe there is no fault only choices that each of us must make for ourselves.
It is difficult to make these decisions because of the impact it has on those we love and care about.

But in the end do we not have to be "True to ourselves"?


To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

#275338 - 02/15/09 03:33 PM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: michael banks]
Kathryn Offline

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303

Edited by walkingsouth (02/18/09 03:54 AM)

#275358 - 02/15/09 06:07 PM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: Kathryn]
Kathryn Offline

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303
Hey Mike,

So, in what way have you acted the "bad boy" to get attention?

This to me is a common dynamic: guy uses distance as a form of self-preservation, but also in a passive-aggressive way, with fantasies of being rescued by the very same person from whom they're fleeing from....

Woman takes on too much responsibility emotionally, she's chosen by the guy, in part because she fits the scenerio of having her own need to rescue others fantasies. She either is too permissive, asks few questions, but takes the martyr stance -- or she takes on the hard, aggressive role and yells and screams to no avail.

Then the guy begins to take responsibility for who he is. A very good thing.

But.... now the woman knows that his odd distance, etc.... says nothing about her worth. And she's pissed because she's allowed this guy to play her for years, making it feel that it was HER, not his own, personal issues.

And she does not want to come to places like MS because she fears she'll get right back into being overly concerned with HIM, yet again. What if she yet again begins to empathize with him -- who's going to empathize with her?

If she reads about HIS life, will HE read about HER life?

So now the guy feels like SHE's not looking at her own issues, and how she contributed to this mess.... And so she should, really.

But because both have been carrying too much of the other person's shit, a period of emotional separation usually happens. And too often that means a period of mutual demonization.

Can both partners find a place of enough separateness with demonizing the other?

Seems that's the trick.


Edited by walkingsouth (02/18/09 03:57 AM)

#275391 - 02/15/09 10:18 PM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: Kathryn]
nathan555 Offline

Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia

Edited by walkingsouth (02/18/09 03:46 AM)

#275396 - 02/15/09 11:05 PM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: nathan555]
Dusty Boy Offline

Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 280
Loc: Australia

you could be writing about my ex wife here, we went to couples councelling and she had a list longer than your arm for the T to fix in me so she would have a better life. Then after a few sessions they became about my side of the issues and she was not looking so good and not smelling of roses. My ex then became disruptive in the sessions because her greedy needs were not being met and she was not prepared to meet mine, not even 1% when I said that I had had enough the T agreed with me. I left the marital home and only then could I see the big picture of how I tried for 19 years to meet her needs and the more i did the bigger the list grew.
From my experience it the T suggested that you separate then run, dont bother to slow down to collect $200 when you pass go, just keep running. If she is not prepared to meet you even a little bit I dont see your recovery happening, and your depression getting worse.


#275398 - 02/15/09 11:14 PM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: Dusty Boy]
Dusty Boy Offline

Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 280
Loc: Australia
Katie... (edited) Altough I agree with you that marriage is a two way thing, that is not happening here. We all have Issues, and if one is prepared to admit their problem and the other is not prepared to even look at helping until her undisclosed ??? are not fixed then how is that 2 way?


Edited by walkingsouth (02/18/09 04:12 AM)

#275406 - 02/16/09 01:00 AM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: Dusty Boy]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon
Hey all,

There have been some good points made here by all, but please, let's remember to be kind. I'd like to ask that if anyone in this thread made comments that were maybe across the line that they be edited to a more benign form regardless of who you believe may have started it.



"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#275453 - 02/16/09 05:35 AM Re: Need some advice regarding my marriage. [Re: WalkingSouth]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hi Guys, ooops gals too.

My 2 euro cents worth. (Not for much longer).

My marriage problems are posted elsewhere. It's over.
Did I or we, ever have the right emotional skills for marriage? Certainaly not me. I really wasn't worth a crap after (almost) 36 yrs.

Just two weeks from tomorrow (Tuesday) my married life will be formally over. I am leaving her and Germany far behind. No tears, no regrets and no emotional feelings. GONE FOREVER.

A new beginning, a new T, a new life, a new love? But more importaint to me a new hope.

Heal well my brothers/friends.

Pete (Irishmoose)

Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

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