Don't even look into picking up the gun; cancel the order. It won't protect you from the dreams and there's no other reason to have it.
Do look into picking up some properly prescribed anti-depressants, after you see your doctor. If the ones you were using before were helping, good. If not, try something else. I went thru several before I finally found the one I've been on for years--the one that when I try to give it up or even cut it back I go thru a slice of hell on earth!
I've not had bad dreams quite like that in a long time. But I used to have several.
I was raped by a gay couple my mother sold me to when I was 10--a memory I promptly dissociated. For 5 years after I had a recurring nightmare in which I was falling down what for a long time seemed like a bottomless pit. Gradually as I fell further down I began to see the bottom. Night after night it got closer & closer. Finally, one night, just as I was hitting bottom, I woke up screaming. But I never had that nightmare again.
Still I did think about it thru the years. Only last year, after about 10 years of therapy 7 psychiatric care, when my abuse memories began to come back, starting with that rape, did I start to realize what the nightmare had been about & why it had ended.
At first I knew it was connected to that rape, and thot the nightmare ended after the last time I saw the rapists, trying to "visit" me at the children's home, when I stood up for myself & put them off, even threatened them. That may have been part of it. But I don't think I was yet 15 at that time. (Maybe that's when I started seeing the bottom?)
But then around Christmas last year (another reason this isn't my season to be jolly!
), memories of the times my mother incested me started coming back.
Now I know why I quit having the nightmare at age 15: that was when my mother quit coming to see me at the children's home & moved out West. Deep down, tho I didn't know exactly why then, I was glad I wouldn't be seeing her anymore.
While I know therapy, particularly my current T who I started seeing a couple years ago, contributed to this, I didn't talking directly about the dream in order to come to this, just like I wasn't talking about SA when I started remembering mine.
Now, while all dreams don't necessarily have any clear symbolic meaning (this one was pretty easy once I remembered the whole story), talking about your dreams with a good T might help.
Have you told your T the dreams yet, specifically? Do you know if the dreams are memories of real people & events of your past, or might they be more symbolic or just true memories trying to break thru your confusion & pain?
Just some thots.
As I was writing this I saw JMs post pop up & I affirm it. Please get help now, my friend.