charlie if i may, your sexual confusion is not the core issue here.
what is central is the self-loathing that comes forth from being objectified in the experience of sexual abuse, and how that, in mike lew's terms, causes us make choices and determinations wherein we 'organize our life around our wound'.
the way my mind understands this is thus: in my entire life, i was never acknowledged at face value, for merely being a creature, an awesome incredible alive person. the messages were sent from a very early age that my value was somehow tied up in my function, how obedient i was, how responsible i was, how resourceful i was, how talented i was: how useable, how consumable i was.
and that was underscored for me further in my sexual abuse. for now, my body, my vehicle itself, was objectified and defined in terms of all of the aforementioned shaping factors. the use of me bodily for sexual purposes confirmed this was indeed my true worth.
across the first 13 years of my life, this was the process of my being. this was my schooling. this was the ultimate lesson: that i am only worth the skin i live in and what it can 'achieve'.
subsequently later in life while invested in this idea of my physical self as the supreme object/machine of acquiescence for getting my deepest needs met and i used those as the only techniques i had come to know. so i continued to trust that these tactics would 'work' on all my relationships.
the dissonance occurred when things did not turn out to be as i anticipated. in reaction to the failure of the mechanism to work i devised new methods for getting what i wanted and needed.
in all of this attempt to keep my 'usefulness' alive i failed! and this failure to live up to the benchmark set early on in the days of my youth, became a great source of shame and self-loathing.
as a result, i too began to look with envy at others, wishing i had what they had, and verily, wishing that i was in fact *them*. i hated myself so much for failing to be successful as in any manner such as would cause me to be loved. my dominant feeling became one of shame and self-hate.
this was the wound that i organized my life around. i created hidden contracts with the world, thinking that if i only ate the right foods, the right portions, wore the right clothes went to the right oracles, that i would be 'saved', rather that things would magically 'work' as i thought they 'should'.
so, charlie is fine as he is. a man full of possibility and potential beyond all of the tension and strife of carrying around the baggage from the trip down sexual assault lane. his physique should be healthy, but he does not need to be anyone's model. he is fine just as he was created, he is fine in the manner in which his dna is manifesting him in physical form.
he has a lot to give to the world in terms of love and service [and i mean that in both realms, sexual and non-sexual]. and that what makes him wonderful. that's what makes him desirable.
once i began to stop painting the world from the palette of hues inherited from my csa experiences, i began to allow others to be less than perfect, and found that when i did that, i gave myself permission be less than perfect, and began to recognize the deep beauty of three dimensional human being, and to dissolve the chains that kept me tethered to the idea that one day i would be worthy to be loved by a two dimensional person.
i have a body, it's not perfect, i have a mind, others have far more advanced intellects, and when those things deteriorate, i am still an energy that is indestructible, and that alone gives me my true value as a being wrapped in skin.
hoping for all the best for you in your continued healing and recovery,
Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC