I remember being a teenager watching people on Oprah or some other talk show talking about their repressed memories and how they were victims of abuse. At 15, 16, 17, 18 i used to think they were full of it. That stuff can't happpen for real..can it? Its just talk show hype isn't it? Then it happened to me.
i was joking around with a friend on my front porch. He jokingly grabbed my knee and blew in my ear. Instantly panic gripped me... I was transported back to my daycare when i was 5. The workers had put us down for a nap and left one worker with us while the rest went downstairs to have a coffee break. I was laying away the whole time while the other were sleeping.
she laid down on the cart next to mine and asked me if i wanted to play a game.... i said yes..... the game was i kiss you where you want me to kiss you and then you kiss me where i want you to kiss me. i asked her to kiss my cheek.... she had me kiss her hand....i pointed to my forhead...... then she unzipped her pants....i did what she told me to do.... i felt excited about our game but at the same time knew that something was wrong....voices came up the stairs and she zipped up and got up.... it never happened again....
I went home that night and told my grandmother at the table that i kissed a girl....before i could say anything else she said "you never mind...you don't need to be kissing any girls" I never said another word.... the disapproval was enough.
A little while later, i was still five, i was down the street with my older brother (he was 13) and his best friend. I remember his best friend, who was also 13, showing his pubic hair and telling me that my sister had hair like that except with out the boy parts... my brother was instantly upset and told him to cut it out.
Unfortunately i was allowed to run free in those days... the next day i ended up back down at his backyard but without my brother. He must have seen something in me... he asked me if i wanted to see it again..... i said yes.... this time he went all the way....he had me touch him and perform oral on him...i dissociated..my mind tucked it away until a time that i could handle it.
Sometime later, i was still 5, i was in bed with my sister..she was 15... it was night time....The incredible hulk was on the tv set.... I've always wanted to be the hulk....transform into something that would be stronger than me.... she had me touch her in her privates...she actually put my hand down her underwear....the one person i really looked up to the most....she fondled me...and performed oral on me...everything went black.... tucked away because little D can't handle it right now....but i started wetting the bed at this point.
Fast forward 3 years... i'm out of my grandparents house and we live 4 miles away... a nice neighborhood...no teenagers..I'm 8 years old....my favorite thing to do....go 1 mile down the road to the baseball fields behind my elementary school. There was a wooded area in the back..and reservoir where i would skip rocks. I loved to ride my bike down there.
One day i'm down there without my brother who is 7 years old. A man comes back there to take a leak... after he is done...he spots me....calls me over to where he is standing. He shows me his belt buckle and asks me if i like it. I remember it had a blue stone in the middle of it. I said yes.....he said "you'll like whats under it" and then unzipped his pants again and began to wave his privates in front of my face..... I froze..i couldn't move......fear gripped me.....he put my hand on his privates while pushing my face towards that same area. Then my brother came up to the area on his bike.... he called my name .... the guys stopped....... i couldn't say anything....my brother shouted for me to come home..... i got on my bike..... told my brother not to tell....then the memory was tucked away to protect little d.
when i was 10 i was back at my grandparents for good this time. Our sunday school teacher broke his ankle so they got a substitute. This was the days before background checks. This sub was so "cool" he promises that i can come over his house and hang with his kids and go to the Race car track with them. I begged my grandmother to let me go. She did....She didn't even really know the man but she let me go anyways. I was there on a friday night. He was a divorcee with a teenage son and daughter. Friday night i slept on his couch but the fleas from the dog was killing me. So saturday night after the races he told me i could sleep in his bed. Sometimes i can still feel his breath on my neck. To this day all i remember is his hand down my underwear and his beard and breath on my neck. A few months later there was some controversy about him in the church... the parents kept it hush hush...but he was gone and not talked about again. Once again my mind tucked it away... but I started having hellish nightmares. I would wake up screaming...and needing my grandmother to come into the room and sit on the edge of the bed before i could go to sleep. I was still wetting the bed...sometimes i was awake and still wet the bed because i was too scared to move but didn't know why
At 14 years old I was at the boys club....my best friend Karl and I would hang out there every afternoon. One of the workers who was shorter than me came to check on us in the game room. Karl and I began to tease him when he put his hands in his sweat pants. Like any teenage boy we started making fun of him and saying he was playing with himself. He came up behind me and grabbed me in a bear hug.. he said "I'll show you playing with yourself" at that point Karl ran out laughing..but the worker started to slide his hand down my pants. for the first time ever...I actually yelled rape.....i actually stood up for myself... he dropped me quick and i took off...i never said anything about it... I didn't go back...we found a new place to hangout....and that night I didn't wet the bed..and have not since....
yes it happened to me.......and one by one all these memories but the last one resurfaced....that one for some reason always stayed..maybe because i actually stood up for myself. Thats my story for now....After almost a year i finally have the courage to write it...
I want always to be a boy and have fun... (Peter Pan)