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#271376 - 01/15/09 06:05 AM Decided to put my preferences down on paper
nonchalant Offline

Registered: 11/17/08
Posts: 42
Loc: Northern Ireland, UK
After a year of total confusion and non stop stressing about my sexuality, i decided to write everything down in the hope of some clarity or closure. Decided to paste it on here on the off chance it might be useful to someone else. Also, if anyone disagrees with anything i've written or has alternate opinions, feel free to express.....


HOMOSEXUAL = a man who exhibits a sexual response when faced with erotic same-sex stimuli. This is hardwired and cannot be changed. 4/5 of men with homosexual responses still identify as straight

GAY = an identity based upon wanting to love and be loved by other men. A generally lifelong desire for sexual and
romantic relationships with the same sex. An acceptance that you cannot be fulfilled emotionally or sexually by
living as a heterosexual

(in bed kissing a woman, i'm probably going to want sex with her, but i don't in general)
(agree to go on a date with a gay man, more likely to get romantic thoughts, but i don't in general)

SEXUALLY (generally prefer men)
- I respond to men in general (fantasies, porn, erotic images)
- More aroused by the idea of having sex with men, simply because they are men (not because i prefer the acts or whatever)
- I do not respond to women in general (don't get aroused by female porn or images of naked women, nor by the idea of
having sex with a woman) but I can respond to a woman through intimacy i.e. in intimate situations (kissing and cuddling
etc) i desire the woman sexually and enjoy the act(s)

EMOTIONALLY (generally prefer women)
- I emotionally and romantically desire women in general
- Have always crushed on women and am much more comfortable with the idea of being with women
- I do not desire men emotionally in general, but i feel i could develop feelings for a man in the same way that i develop
sexual feelings for a specific woman despite GENERALLY preferring men

AESTHETICALLY (pretty similar)
- I find both men and women attractive although in a public place or whatever i'd be more likely to feel attracted to women
- Attracted to femininity more than anything, very unlikely to find a really hairy, manly guy attractive

LIFESTYLE CHOICE (favour heterosexually)
- I do not see myself as gay and feel much more 'at home' and comfortable with the 'heterosexual community'

If i went to a nightclub, i would spend the night eyeing up women, trying to flirt with women, hoping to kiss women and get their phone numbers. However, if i was going to have a 1 night stand, i'd prefer it with a man. I am not interested in women for one night, but i'm not interested in men for more than one night

Edited by nonchalant (01/15/09 06:13 AM)

#271390 - 01/15/09 11:13 AM Re: Decided to put my preferences down on paper [Re: nonchalant]
Kathryn Offline

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303

I'm still not sure if I"m allowed to post here, so I'll make it short and then scoot and resist any future attempt to do so smile

Under "Aesthetically" you put that you feel more attracted to women in public places, and yet you say it's "(pretty similar") -- similar to what? Porn? But you say you're more attracted to men in porn....

But porn is an individual, isolated thing. It's only about our fantasies, not about another person in a social situation.

Public places is a different matter: all those very complicated things that happen to us, even at the bio-chemical level.... processing pheromones, clueing into all those subtle nuances (and not just the blunt shapes, and hairy/non-hairy things, etc....),

Just seems our reactions to things like porn is somewhat artificial because it's such a controlled environment.

Public places are so much more messy -- and spontaneous.

Anyway, just some thoughts.

Seems to me, though, that both homosexual and gay men respond to men in public places as well as in porn and fantasy -- "Wow, he has a cute but" -- "Wow, look at him -- yum, yum". Personally, I think that spontaneous "Yum, yum" is important. Means we want to eat them alive.... means THAT'S who we feel will nurture us, both sexually and emotionally.


#271489 - 01/16/09 01:43 AM Re: Decided to put my preferences down on paper [Re: Kathryn]
Kathryn Offline

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303

I've actually spent a great deal of time trying to figure out why I'm straight: I like women, like the way they look, can have an erotic response, have had crushes, etc.

But there's just something that happens when I see a man. And it's really hard to put into words, which is probably we resort to poetry....

So I've thought about something that keeps coming up in poetry in relation to sexual attraction: smell.

It's interesting how often smell is referred to in poetry.

And then there's the pheromone studies.... where an area of the primitive brain lights up when exposed to either male or female pheromones.

So... who would you rather smell? Don't over-think it.... get in a poetic frame of mind.... and how would you like to smell?



#271760 - 01/18/09 03:12 AM Re: Decided to put my preferences down on paper [Re: Kathryn]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington

I could really identify what you had to say.

It seems like you have done alot of soul searching to produce this.

I have been on that non stop stressing roller coaster,and have decided it is not good for me or my soul. (started with confusion).

As far as I am concerned, I feel closure is an unattainable goal.

I can't really separate my sexuality from my abuse. (I believe I was born straight and what happened has pulled me closer to the middle).

The key for me is acceptance. I accept me, for who I am, right here, right now. (No future tripping or backtracking).

Even attempting closure, forces me back on that emotional roller coaster. (Who I am...should be with or where I'm going).

I have chosen to LIVE in the PRESENT and to be HONEST in ALL my relationships. (this includes friends and family...etc...not just committed).

The rest is really beyond my control.

What a relief it is, to not have to listen to, those old tapes in my head. (I hope you find the same relief).

Simply Me,


Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#273367 - 01/31/09 04:43 PM Re: Decided to put my preferences down on paper [Re: 1islandboy]
brother2none Offline

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 269
Loc: Undisclosed
I can relate to what you say about living in the present. I am much happier today than ever before. It is in the HERE AND NOW, that I can enjoy my sexuality, my attractions, my feelings.

And when it comes to acceptance, I am able to find self-acceptance in the moment of NOW.

Thanks for your post on this. It's a great reminder for me.

#273431 - 02/01/09 12:55 AM Re: Decided to put my preferences down on paper [Re: nonchalant]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
non-chalant you really lined it out nicely here. i think i have been in every category at some point in my life. however with many years of hindsight, i realize for me that i am attracted to male energy. i can appreciate the beauty of certain female characteristics, just like i enjoy just about anything i can see. but what magnetizes me is the male dynamic. i melt for men......unapologetically.....


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#273471 - 02/01/09 03:58 AM Re: Decided to put my preferences down on paper [Re: Sans Logos]
michael banks Offline

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca

I just don't understand the same sex attraction thingy. Not that there is any thing wrong in it. The only thing I am attracted to men for is friendship. I sometimes wished I was gay. Because it must be easier to relate to each other. Because men and women are such different creatures.
But for me when God created women physically he created perfection. I love the way they look especially if they have alot of curves. Their softness when you touch them. The sweetness of their smell.The sound of their voices- love a southern draw. There is no sight as beautiful as watching a woman's butt who is walking in front of you.


To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

#273564 - 02/01/09 09:45 PM Re: Decided to put my preferences down on paper [Re: michael banks]
Dan99 Offline

Registered: 06/18/07
Posts: 163
Loc: Washington DC
Great post, Nonchalant. I've been down this road myself trying to figure things out in the last couple years. My desires don't line up exactly like yours, but I see great similarities in the way we think about it.

As much as I'd rather not think of myself this way, I'm definitely bisexual. The record is what it is, and I've had sex with men. I think being raped as a child has a lot to do with the way I continued to seek out sex with men as an adult. For instance, when I've had sex with men I don't have an orgasm. It's much more about recreating the type of sexual situation I was in as a child. It's one of the hardest things I've had to accept about being a survivor. I don't know how or even if my bisexuality would have manifested itself if I hadn't been abused. But as much as I may wish it weren't true, I lost my virginity to a man. My earliest sexual experiences were with men. They started way before I hit puberty and extended right through early stages of it. And they left an imprint that still affects me to this day.

When it comes to attraction, it's funny but I wouldn't spend two seconds looking at a man on the street or in a club or even in porn. I'm not attracted to them that way. But if I'm in contact with a woman for even a matter of minutes, I'll make an instant internal decision about whether I think she's sexy. And there's no question that I prefer the company of women over men. And if given the choice where door number one had a woman behind it and door number two a man, I'd generally always take the woman.

I think the confusion over sexuality is one of the hardest aspects of being a survivor. For a long time I hated the fact that I had any sexual feelings toward men. When I've struggled with staying faithful in relationships, I would even tell myself that if I was going to cheat I would at least cheat with a woman. Somehow that made it better in my mind.

Anyhow, I appreciated your posting your analysis. It's a brave thing to do. That's really why I wanted to respond. I think it's difficult to have frank discussions about this stuff, even among survivors. I can also really appreciate what island posted about acceptance. That's the bottom line for me. I'm just working on loving all of myself, especially those parts of me that I wish didn't exist.

Take care.

Work like you don't need the money;
dance like no one is watching;
sing like no one is listening;
love like you've never been hurt;
and live life every day as if it were your last.


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