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#27329 - 10/05/06 12:03 AM still hanging in there
bc22 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/06
Posts: 82
Loc: indiana
I had a good discussion with my wife today. I do not know what the future holds, but she is more supportive than I initially thought. Maybe it is going to take her a while to come to terms with things just as it will for me. The whole soul searching thing is incredible painful, but it is rewarding at the same time...what a strange sensation!


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#27330 - 10/05/06 12:06 AM Re: still hanging in there
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
bc,

I think that's exactly how you need to approach this. You needed time before you could come forward and talk about it; she's in an even more trying position because she knows you are waiting to see how she will react.

Yes, the soul-searching is rough, but so rewarding if you can be there for each other and do it together.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#27331 - 10/05/06 02:10 AM Re: still hanging in there
bc22 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/06
Posts: 82
Loc: indiana
She is going to be out of town for a few days, so that should be good for the both of us. I would just like to start sleeping again and have my brain shut down for at least a few minutes. Everytime you have but stuff in there about allowing the perp to take the blame, if causes me to cry. I guess it is just so emotional or an emotional release to see someone else say, " they are to blame, not you." It is very reassuring and helpful to actually believe it! Thanks you!!!


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#27332 - 10/05/06 03:17 AM Re: still hanging in there
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
bc,

It's worth recalling that by the time we start out in recovery we have usually spent years thinking it WAS our fault. That's not an easy burden to shed.

But it's something to work towards, and gradually we do accept - and believe! - that it's true. If you already believe this then you have passed one of the big hurdles. Good for you!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#27333 - 10/05/06 06:32 AM Re: still hanging in there
bc22 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/06
Posts: 82
Loc: indiana
One of the hardest things for me right now is when I look at my son, he is about 1 year younger than I was when I started being abused. I look at him, am thankful he is safe, pray he remains safe, and am mournful of my own childhood. I have to conquer this to insure he never has to endure it. We have to stop all and every other perp!!!!!!


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#27334 - 10/05/06 09:35 AM Re: still hanging in there
thwap Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/06/06
Posts: 30
Loc: Atlanta, Georgia
Someone told me the other day that to be good at something you have got to want to be good at it. You have got to want it and do whatever it is takes to get there. Once you feel you have gotten there, achieved what it is that you wanted to be good at, you are no longer good at it.

Try giving your wife one compliment each day and thanking her once each day for helping you through this stuff. It worked wonders for me with my girlfriend during a hard time. Now I compliment her all the time and thank her so much - all without thinking of it. It is cool because she really appreciates it and I actually changed a negative behavior to a positive one.


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#27335 - 10/05/06 04:46 PM Re: still hanging in there
bc22 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/06
Posts: 82
Loc: indiana
Good advice!!
Thanks!!


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#27336 - 10/05/06 05:16 PM Re: still hanging in there
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
bc,

Quote:
One of the hardest things for me right now is when I look at my son, he is about 1 year younger than I was when I started being abused. I look at him, am thankful he is safe, pray he remains safe, and am mournful of my own childhood. I have to conquer this to insure he never has to endure it. We have to stop all and every other perp!!!!!!
I so feel for what you are saying about your son. When mine (now 22) was growing up I was still in denial, but even so, I can see how I was very protective and perhaps overly so.

I think any good father would realize the need to make sure that his little boy stays with safe people and safe situations. But just as important, and absolutely crucial, is the need to make sure your son feels wanted, important, and very very special; he needs to feel and see that he is loved and cherished without reservation or conditions. That way, if he is ever approached by someone in a way that makes him feel uncomfortable, he will know that he can come to you right away and talk about what's bothering him. That is so vital: predators count on finding boys who for whatever reason don't feel they can go to safe adults and tell them what's happening.

In speaking of your mourning for your own lost childhood, you say this:

Quote:
I have to conquer this to insure he never has to endure it.
Can I suggest a slightly different way to look at this that you might find helpful? There's nothing wrong with mourning what we have lost; that's a healthy thing to do, and in fact it's a vital step in our recovery. But yes, after a point we have to realize that the past is gone and beyond our reach. If we stay there we will spin our wheels forever and never get anywhere. We have to "conquer" this temptation to get bogged down in the past. We need to stay present, in the here and now, where we are actually able to take decisive action: not just protecting the next generation, but recovering ourselves.

That brings me to your final comment, my friend. It's a good thing to be thinking of what we ourselves can do to stop predators from harming new victims the way they harmed us, but in order to do that we have to take care of ourselves first. We have to make real progress in our own recovery before we can be of effective assistance to others. In a way, we have to adopt a "me first" attitude, but in a pratical rather than selfish sense. An image that helps me to realize this is to think of two ships sailing along together: how can one help the other if both are burning? Unfortunately, child abuse is an ongoing problem; there will be plenty of opportunities for strong survivors to reach out to help others and fight against the blight of abuse itself. But gather your own strength and confidence first.

Just some thoughts. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm lecturing you!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#27337 - 10/05/06 07:18 PM Re: still hanging in there
bc22 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/06
Posts: 82
Loc: indiana
On the contrairy, Larry, I feel as though you are taking a personal interst in my healing. I have a long ways to go, and any and all advice is welcomed! Most of the time, the things you write make me break down in tears because they are so right on and intune with what I am thinking. I do have a good bond with all of my children. The one thing that I think is now making that bond stronger is my realization of "zoning out". Now that I am more aware of it, I have been catching myself and stopping myself. It has helped me "be present". I still need to find a way to sleep. My thoughts are ever present now! I can see some good in this for now, but hopefully someday soon there will come a day when my mind feels it can rest. Thank you for all of your support. I don't think I can put into words how much the support I have gotten from MS means to me!!!


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#27338 - 10/06/06 06:19 AM Re: still hanging in there
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
bc,

Just a further thought on "zoning out", at which I have been an expert for years. My wife found this terribly annoying, because for quite some time she took it as a sign that I wasn't interested in what she was saying. But once she knew what was really going on, we talked about it and she hit on a solution.

Now, any time I "go away", she waits a moment and then says to me, "Earth calling Larry" \:\) . It turns what could have been an annoying moment into one where we both get something: she gets to let me know I still have this problem to work on and she does need my attention, and I get to see she understands and supports me and doesn't take this problem personally. When it happens I don't feel like a freak; it's just a brief break, a moment of smiles, and then back to living our lives.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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