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#272880 - 01/27/09 05:08 PM Neediness and Insecurity
xJustex Offline

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 8
Loc: Canada
I've been having a particularly challenging time in the relationship aspect of my life. I've grown up in a very dysfunctional household and have been abused sexually, physically, and emotionally. I haven't been in a relationships in years, my first was extremely painful as I was incredibly insecure and needy, and it was doomed. For quite some time now I've been working on healing from all this, I don't want it to affect my life anymore. I am feeling much more confident in dealing with my friendships, work and school, and was able to tackle a lot insecurities I had about them and I'm also feeling much happier.
But I met someone new recently and I've suddenly been struck with so many insecurities that it's totally affecting every aspect of my life. I'm feeling very on-edge, obsessed, paranoid, and needy for validation. It's also very painful, I feel like I'm on an emotional roller-coaster. I know It's finally time to deal with my relationship anxieties and insecurities and I've already started. Most of the insecurities I feel are pretty normal; "What if he's cheating?," "What if he's avoiding me?", "What if he doesn't like me?" they're triggered so often and so quickly that I get overwhelmed at times. Is there is any advice you can give to keep moving in that same direction? To overcome neediness, paranoia so I can just enjoy my romantic relationships (instead of endure).

#272898 - 01/27/09 07:51 PM Re: Neediness and Insecurity [Re: xJustex]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi xjustex, i ws gonna say 'join the club' but i guess since you are here, you already have.....

it's funny [..or maybe not so much] the whole recovery thing works fine on paper, but then when we get the opportunity to put it into practice, it's a very different story, eh?

i know for myself, during my years of recovery when in relationships, the greatest challenge for me, was trying to separate the current relationship from the ones i had with my abusers. at some point all my old unresolved issues would resurrect from their graves: my feeling of being trapped, misinterpretation of certain facial expressions, assigning meaning to certain events; i had so much to resolve, and had my partners been able to give me the support i needed, then things might have worked out differently.

those are just some of the isses i think survivors need to be aware of when beginning in new relationships.

who, what when where how and why do we ever get to try out the trust boundaries, if not with people we let get close to us. but when they do, fear steps in like a big foot ready to come crashing down on everything.

it makes things very difficult, that's for sure.

the only thing i can say is don't give up trying. and try to keep as much an open dialogue as possible. that's the only way you can know whether trust building and intimacy building are really going to be worth the effort with that particular person.

are they truly capable of love? i mean, you can't automatically assume, especially if they themselves have not shared the experience of having been abused, that they don't have their own issues to deal with.

it takes two to tango, but sometimes, the two bring many many invisible others to the dance.

oh brother!

good luck!


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC


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